The death of "What could have been"

The last few weeks have been smooth sailing here in the Rose household. Snow, a break from school, a wonderful Thanksgiving with 35 family members, and preparations for Christmas have brought fun and joy into our home. Gratefulness and a recognition of God's grace in our lives have kept us pressing ahead. The healing of our hearts has also been evident, and the sadness I had been feeling was taking a back seat.

However, a couple of nights ago, I feel like I took a few steps backwards in terms of where my heart was in the healing process with Baby. It had been several days since he had crossed my mind, and a couple of weeks since I had felt any strong presence of grief. But---I had a dream. A dream that there had been a terrible mistake and that the state realized that they were supposed to leave Baby in our care. They were returning him to us. Permanently. I was overjoyed and ecstatic---sobbing hysterically to Micah in my dream that I was glad I was "waking up from the nightmare" I was having and that he coming back to us.

Then I woke up. And proceeded to then cry hysterically that I WAS in fact waking up from a nightmare and that it was all a mean joke. A mean, cruel, joke, played on me by the enemy to kick me while I was down. To try and get me to live in a state of defeat. sorrow. hopelessness.

And then, I had to laugh. I know Baby is where he belongs. I know that God has a plan for our family and I can see a vision of my little family huddling together, with God's hands outstretched over us. He is protecting us. Watching out for us. He's got our back. And where the light of Jesus is---the enemy has to flee. He is not welcome to bring unwarranted attacks against me and my family. I stand in victory in THE LORD JESUS CHRIST! :)

Grief is a cycle. Supposedly, one moves from denial, to bargaining, to anger, to acceptance. I've been through all 4. Denial that we were losing him. Bargaining with God to get him back. Totally ticked at God for allowing him to leave. Surrendering to God that His will is best.

The hardest part currently is a "death of what could have been." I have a little more insight now on friends who have had miscarriages. I never could relate to that before, and to be honest--I never could understand how big of a deal it was. I get it now, though. It IS a big deal. The grief I've dealt with is not so much a "loss of Baby." It's the loss of "what could have been." It's a loss of his first birthday, of Christmas, of all the other "firsts," and of watching him grow up.

It all comes back around to surrender. Surrendering to the One who has the Master Plan. And you know what? Surrender is an active, constant choice. I can choose to surrender, or I can choose to wallow in anger and self pity. This girl's choosing to move ahead. Choosing to trust. Choosing to obey. Choosing to not dwell in sorrow over what could have been.

One Month

One month ago today, we walked out our front door with 4 children, and walked back in with 3.

One month ago today, I parted with the baby I thought was going to be part of our "forever" family.

One month ago today, I tried my best to explain to the other kids that God had a plan for Baby, and that plan was for him to live somewhere else.

One month ago today, I yelled at God and demanded understanding. I wanted to know WHY He would allow us such heartache after all we had invested into one of HIS precious children.

It's been one month, now. The flower arrangements different friends gave us have died, the little cards of encouragement have stopped, time has moved on, and our hearts have come to a place of acceptance. God doesn't ask us to LIKE everything that happens in our lives, but He asks us to TRUST that He will work all things for good for those who love Him. And since we love Him, we know that He is protecting us, keeping us safe, and doing what is best for us.

Our perspective has changed significantly in the past month. After 2 weeks, we ran into Baby and his new foster family at a public location. His foster mom brought him over to us and he immediately grinned from ear to ear at the sound of our voices. He recognized us. I climbed back into the car and burst into tears. I missed him. I wanted him back. Later that night I said to Micah, "You know that I am not going to be able to do this again, right? The only way I could EVER part with another baby EVER again is if God says we are to do this again, and I sure don't think He is!"

A lot has transpired from that moment until now. I have purposefully not blogged about it because I wanted to KNOW that I KNOW that what I am about to say was from God. After two weeks without budging, I am convinced.

God is asking us to risk all. Again. To open our hearts. To open our home. To welcome HIS precious children, and to trust Him. We now feel like we are to say "yes" to the children, whether there is a "strong chance" they will be adopted or not. God has asked us to be willing to also do short-term foster care, and to entrust our family to Him. He knows who will become permanent members of our family, and who will just be here for a short time. He is asking us to love with all of our hearts, and to show the children in our care the love He has for them. We will love them all as our own children, for however long that may be. And we will trust Him, even if that means the next 20 babies that enter our home end up leaving. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is in control of our lives. And I also have surrendered the right to understand. I know that when I am not surrendered to His will, I am miserable. Defeated. Hopeless. Angry.

Thankfully, THANKFULLY, God is seated on His throne, and He is faithful to complete the work He started in us. We do not know what the future holds for us, but we know that as long as we are surrendered to His will in our lives, we will have peace with where He takes us.