I can hardly believe it.

Seriously. I can't believe it. After the roller coaster of a life we've lived for the past year or so, we finally have a little "calm."

As I've mentioned before, Micah's place of employment, Maple Lane, is being shut down due to budget cuts and he has been on the hunt for a new job. This summer we were disappointed when he didn't get hired with the state patrol. This fall we were disappointed when he made it all the way to spot #2 out of 100 guys with the Aberdeen Police Department.....and they only hired 1 guy. Last month we were disappointed to find out that he was in fact, losing his job at Maple Lane imminently and that the "option" they gave him was to take a significant demotion and less appealing hours. Let's be honest: it's been a rough season in the Rose household. Add to Micah's job stress the heartache of losing a baby, the potential of losing our other sweet girl, my Dad's illness, and moving, and you pretty much have an equation that equals a *slight* feeling of being out of control. :)

Don't get me wrong--I know that I am clearly NOT the one in control. BUT: when SO many things seem to go awry, I often resort to feelings of futility and hopelessness. I seem to have a limit of what I can deal with, and when that bar gets raised I tend to throw in the towel and say "I can't handle it."

This week the bar was raised again. We had an baby in our care for 2 days who has undergone more trauma in her short life than I could bear. I cannot give details, but in order for a child to be removed from their home in our state, they have to either be severely abused or neglected. How someone could significantly abuse or neglect an infant is beyond me. In the 2 days we had her, my heart broke yet again for the children in THIS country who endure things they should never have to endure. My heart cry was, "God! Please! The injustice!!" Unfortunately, this baby girl had more needs than we felt like we were able to meet practically, and I had to call them and say that I didn't feel like we could keep her. That was another tough phone call. And another opportunity to surrender to Jesus and say, "Not my will but Yours be done." God knows our hearts. He knows our desire for more children. And he also knows that our hearts are still very much healing from losing Baby 2 weeks ago and that we need a little bit of time before committing to another baby long term. We feel like He has told us to take a little "breather" through the holidays and to wait until the 1st of the year before taking another placement. My heart is at peace with that. I am looking forward to a little bit of a slower pace for these next couple months! :)

THEN, to cap off all this craziness, last night at 5:30 Micah and I, the kids, and my parents were all sitting down at their house chatting about what to do for dinner. Micah's cell phone rang and he proceeded to have a conversation with someone on the other end. He refused to make eye contact with me and wouldn't answer any of the questions I was whispering at him while on the phone. He was being such a stinker! ;) Anyways, he got off the phone, stood up and announced to us all that he got the job as the Program Manager for ECEAP at the college!!! This was SUCH an answer to our prayers! It is a job close to our home. A job the pays the exact same thing as what he was making at Maple Lane, but with TWO MONTHS OFF every summer! Can you believe it?! I can hardly believe it!!

I knew this summer when Micah didn't get hired with the state patrol that God had something better. However, it was difficult to envision what "something better" looked like practically. I cannot tell you now how thankful I am that he did NOT get hired with the state patrol! I look at this job that he will be starting next week and think, "Thank you God that you know our needs so much better than we do!"

I am humbled. Thankful. Appreciative of God's faithfulness despite my frequent feelings of unbelief and fear. Our lack of faith does not change God's faithfulness, and for that, I am grateful.

An Encouraging Day

I am thankful. Thankful that God has been so gracious to meet me where I'm at. In my brokenness and mess, He has met me and whispered words of hope at just the right time. Today I was driving to pick up Caitlyn from school, and who did I see walking along side the road? Baby's parents. They recognized my car and flagged me down. I pulled over, and they came running up to my window and asked how I was doing. They had obviously heard that all 3 of their children had been moved to a new foster home together, and their words spoke straight to my heart. They stood there at my car window, cried with me, and thanked me repeatedly for caring for their son. Baby's Dad said that he and Baby's Mom wanted to take Micah and I out to dinner just to thank us for "all we did for them."

I was baffled. You see, biological parents are generally not thrilled about foster parents. To them, foster parents are doing the job that they see themselves fit to do. Foster parents are raising THEIR children. The children that they birthed. The children that they love, in the way that they know how to "love." Essentially, foster parents are their competition.

My heart aches for this couple. They are broken, hurting, and surrounded by influences that make it harder for them to succeed. You will never hear me make excuses for people who abuse or neglect their children. HOWEVER, if you look at generational patterns of poverty, lack of stability, and abuse, it is a little easier to understand HOW things like that happen. Again, I am not making excuses for them, but my heart is heavy for them tonight. You know why? I HAVE JESUS---someone who will listen to my heartache, grieve with me, and pull me through. I have friends and family who have been incredibly supportive and who I KNOW are lifting my family up in prayer. THIS COUPLE does not. They do not have a support system. They do not know Jesus. And they have A LOT to overcome in order to "make it."

The irony of this, to me, is that Jesus used this broken, hurting couple to minister to MY heart. To know that this one couple was blessed by our investment in their baby for the last 3 months makes it TOTALLY worth it. They seriously want to take US out to dinner?! Amazing! And that fact that Baby's Mom kept reaching into the car and trying to comfort me when we were ALL crying?! I couldn't believe it!

We have not chosen foster care for accolades, thank-yous, or recognition. (Trust me, it would be A LOT of work for a pat on the back!) I never expected anything from any of these parents. But to know that the love we gave Baby was recognized and appreciated by them somehow brings healing to my heart. Their words were the reassurance I needed that yes, we are doing the right thing. And yes, it is worth it.

Strong enough to handle?

Many people have been encouraging me with the following verse: "God won't give you anything you aren't strong enough to handle." I've heard it so many times in this last week that I decided to look it up in the Bible and do a little study on the verses surrounding this one. After scouring through several different translations and multiple different online searches, I came to discover one thing: that phrase is not a Bible verse! The closest thing I could find came from 1 Corinthians 10:13: "The Temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure (NLT)."

This verse does NOT actually say that my CIRCUMSTANCES will not be difficult or challenging. It says that God will provide a way out when I am TEMPTED!

Our hearts are hurting.....sad.....well, completely broken if I'm being honest....and I am finding myself faced with decisions all day long. You might even call them TEMPTATIONS. When I started putting away the baby's things, I was TEMPTED to scream and yell at God, "I will never do this again!!! It is TOO hard! TOO costly! What you've asked of us is just. too. much!" When our precious 2-year-old will not let me out of her sight because she's afraid she has to move too, I am TEMPTED to shake my fists in the air and demand an answer to my question: "Are you going to take her from us too, Lord?!" When I'm going about my day and suddenly get hit with the thought of another Mom getting to rock the precious baby I have grown to love, I am TEMPTED to question God's plan for us, to disqualify myself as a mother because of all my imperfections, and to wonder if I am being punished for not being perfect.

However, the last half of that verse in 1 Corinthians clearly states: "He will show you a way out so that you can endure." You know what that means? Exactly what it says! #1--He will show me a way out. #2--I can endure.

But......I don't want to endure! I don't want to be refined. I don't want to hurt. I do NOT want my kids to hurt. When kids hurt, mommies and daddies hurt too. Seeing our kids hurt and try to fumble their way through this is incredibly difficult to watch.

My flesh wants the first half of that verse---the "way out" part. And by "way out," I don't mean it wants to make the right choice and to look to Him for strength and guidance. My flesh wants the EASY way out. My flesh wants to turn around and run in the opposite direction. Away from the trials. Away from the children who need a home. Away from the cost. My flesh cries out that this is just. too. much.

But guess what else? There is a small flicker deep within my heart that knows we will come out the other side of this. I know that that small flicker will soon be a glowing fire. Romans 5:3-5 says: "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." I am not exactly "rejoicing in my sufferings" at the moment, but I'm hangin' in there to get to the "hope" part. :) I am thankful that God is willing to meet me where I'm at, despite my imperfections, with the small seed of faith that I carry. He WILL transform us. He WILL make our faith greater than it has been. And as much as I shake my head in utter disbelief and humility, He WILL bring us to a place where we are able to give ALL to the next child that walks through our door.

I want to end this post with a story that I hope is encouraging. Yesterday, instead of doing our usual Sunday routine, we decided to "escape" for the day as a family. We headed out of town and spent the day doing several different things just for fun. Sometime late afternoon I told Micah I wanted to go into a Christian Bookstore. I was browsing through the kids' devotional section looking for something to practically help the kids through this season in our lives. After picking up a couple of books that were way over their heads, I picked up this book called "The Adventure Bible Book of Devotions for Early Readers." I flipped it open to a random page, and read it. After doing so, I nearly scraped my jaw off of the floor! The page I had turned to was called Plenty of Room and the entire story was about the importance of Foster care! The last paragraph says this, "Many families all across the world have made the choice to open their homes to a child that needs a family to love and care for them. It isn't just that kids need foster moms an dads. They also need foster brothers and sisters. You can be a hero to someone who needs somebody like you to be part of his or her family for a long time or short time." Um, okay Lord! I'll buy it! :)

Mark 9:37 -- "Anyone who welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me."

Jesus, we welcome you into our home and our lives. Transform us from the inside out. Heal our hearts. Give us the strength to love. We say 'yes' to you, Lord. We trust you. Amen.

Meeting the "new mom"

I finally mustered up enough strength today to call the woman who is going to be taking Baby and his siblings. I was given her phone number last week and told by our social worker that it would be best if I met her before just handing him over to her next weekend. I agreed, but needed a few days to process before I could actually make the call. Poor woman.....I had been doing fine all morning, but when she answered the phone I instantly burst into tears and could not even speak to identify myself. She must have had caller ID, because she said right away, "It took courage for you to call me and I understand why it took you a few days."

This foster mom just last week experienced losing a child. She had a baby in her care for 8 months that she thought would become a permanent member of their family, but that baby returned to a family member. Unfortunately, knowing that someone else just experienced the same heartache I am beginning, somehow brought no solace to me. I wasn't focused on the fact that she had lost someone she had grown to love. What I cared about was that fact that I don't get to adopt the baby that I have grown to love over the past 3 months. You may think that sounds selfish and completely unsympathetic. And it is.

I know that the brutal honesty in my blogging opens the door for people to form opinions, be critical of where I am at, and share their "advice." But I HAVE to chronicle the reality of where I'm at now so that I can look back later and see the full picture. I KNOW that redemption will come. I KNOW that my heart will heal and I will be able to pour myself whole-heartedly into the next foster child that walks through our door. I want to be able to say "look what the Lord has done!" And in order for that to happen, it is only fair to chronicle what He is GOING to pull us out of! :) He will not leave this process unfinished. I know that He will not allow me to flop around like a fish outta' water for long. He WILL restore our hearts and I WILL boast of His grace to our family. Is He trying to bring me to an even greater place of desperation and dependence on Him? Yup. Do unfortunate things just happen sometimes because of the world we live in? Yes. Do we ever see the full picture in the midst of challenging circumstances? Unlikely. Do our hearts hurt sometimes? Um, yes.

I love the words to this song by Casting Crowns called "Praise You in this Storm." I could listen to it over and over and over.

I was sure by now

God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

More Than Conquerors

I am committing to blogging more. I realized today that many times I fail to blog because of my own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. I fear being misunderstood. Lacking eloquence. Being looked at as crazy. Not holy enough. Stumbling over the words I write and my postings just looking like I barfed on the page. But you know what? I don't care anymore. I want to document our journey and I am willing to expose the raw emotion, challenges, and joys that we face.

With that being said, here is our latest update. :)

Romans 8:37 says: "In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

More than conquerors, huh? That's funny. I feel like this week has been a week of defeat for me. A week of putting one foot in front of the other and questioning why God has had us on the path we are on. Micah received his layoff notice at work (effective 10/14), and in one phone call from our social worker we found out that baby "M" is going to be placed in another foster home along with his siblings, and the biological parents of the "Little Miss" are suddenly compliant and there is a strong possibility she will be leaving us as well.

When we initially became licensed to Foster-Adopt, we knew that this road would be challenging. We knew it would be costly. We knew there was a chance our hearts could be broken. However, I have declared all along that God will see through whatever it is He is asking of us.

I'm going to be really honest here: It is much easier to say that when life looks peachy. When your happy little family is sitting in Starbucks drinking hot chocolate, or playing at the beach, or snuggling on the couch watching Veggietales and eating popcorn--it is easy to say all the wonderful cliches us Christians are so good at: "God is so good to us!" Or "We are so blessed!" Even prayers of thanksgiving seem to flow when the happy moments are at their peak. But what about when life is hard? When trials are thrown our way? When I found out "baby M" was leaving this week and that we could easily lose our sweet 2-year-old, and that Micah was losing his job, I had two choices. I could throw up my hands and say, "No more! I can't take it, Lord!" Or I could say, "Not my will but Yours be done, God!" You know what? I know I'm supposed to say that I chose the second phrase, but I didn't! I ran upstairs, buried my face in my pillow and sobbed until I was hoarse. Over and over I cried, "why? Why? WHY?!!" I justified every reason to God of how we had "been so obedient" and "gave all of our hearts" to these children. I told Him that it wasn't fair and that I didn't understand why he would allow such heartache. Prayers of thanksgiving were not at the forefront of my mind. God's goodness was not at the forefront of my mind. The fact that "someday there will be other children who need us to pour into them" was not on my mind. Feelings of loss and grief were at the front of my mind.

Today is Saturday and that "conversation" God and I had was just on Thursday evening. I'll be honest again: I'M NOT THERE YET. I haven't "arrived" at the place of feeling peachy keen. I haven't gotten over the fact that another family gets to adopt the precious baby that has captured my heart in the 12 weeks I've cared for him. I do not have the answers to some of the questions I have asked God.

BUT--I DO know that I am more than a conqueror in Jesus Christ. And thanks to a wonderful video by Beth Moore, I was reminded that in order to be an overcomer, I have to OVERCOME something!

If I look back over my life, I could list numerous difficult circumstances I have faced that I swore I would never make it through. From the loss of a child, to significant illness in my family, to financial strain, sometimes the road has seemed too much to bear. Thankfully, God has used each and every one of those trials to strengthen my mustard seed faith. He healed my Mom of Leukemia. He led the doctors to find the hidden clot in my dad's brain that nearly cost him his life. He has given me an amazing relationship with Drew and his adoptive family. And He has provided for all of our needs financially. Over and over again God has proven himself faithful, despite my inadequacies and periods of unbelief.

These next few weeks are going to be rough. I know from experience that grief is a process and that God is asking me to take His hand and to trust Him to see our family through this transition. He will. I know He will. A pastor from our old church always used to say, "Faith first, feelings later." I'm standing on that. Knowing that as I declare God's goodness in the midst of this fire, He will heal my heart and I will come out the other side even more confident of the truths I declare.