It's been 3 weeks since a little wispy haired, blue eyed, adorable little boy walked through our door into his forever home. Although I was ecstatic for him to become a part of our family, I had one significant apprehension. Bonding.
Before foster care, I hadn't really put much thought into that word. Bonding with my biological children was instant. The bonds were strong. They grew even greater over time. It was completely natural and took zero effort. The concept of a child having difficulty "attaching" was nowhere in my frame of reference.
And then we got our first foster placement: a strong-willed, 2-year-old who was broken. Very, very broken.
The bond was not immediate. I did not have a warm, fuzzy feeling like "all was right in my world." But I wanted to feel SOMETHING! After all, this child had experienced a significant amount of neglect and loss in such a short little life that surely my heart should feel SOMETHING! Compassion, sympathy, love? After all, I had been pouring out my heart to God for YEARS over orphans! I was THRILLED that our journey down this path was finally beginning, so why am I not feeling it? And after a couple of weeks it hit me:
Surrender.
I was trying to make it feel the same as I felt for my other kids. I expected that when a child walked through our door the bond would be instant and our love would be enough to heal every wound and we would all live happily ever after.
Funny, God doesn't always work the way we think He will. In fact, He made it very clear to us in the beginning that this was His story, and we were along to be His hands and feet. I can see in hindsight that had it worked out the way I envisioned it, I never would have realized my absolute need for Him. I wouldn't have been desperate. I would not have cried out to Him for help. And I never would have seen the beautiful story that arose from the ashes of that first child to enter our home. And oh, it's a beautiful story. It's Elliana's story. A story of surrender. Of healing. Of a blossoming 5 year old girl that I love and would die for. It's the story of my daughter.
We have had 7 other babies in the last 2 1/2 years, and I gave my heart to each and every one of them. But they were just that: babies. It is easy to love and bond with a tiny, helpless baby that depends on you to meet their needs. But a toddler? That could be different.
I knew God would meet me where I was at. I knew He had asked us to open our home to this precious little boy, but I was afraid. Scared. Terrified, to be completely honest with you. What if he didn't bond with us? What if he was was too broken and rejected our attempts to love him? Lord, please. I can't do this again. I just can't. It is exhausting. It is humbling. It is heartbreaking. It is frustrating. I cannot question, once again, my very integrity. I HAVE to know that he will bond with us. That we will bond with him. And that it won't be such a battle. Please, Lord, I beg you.
He gave me no promises. No assurance that it wouldn't be a struggle. No vision of "happily ever after." But He continued to remind me over and over that we were welcoming "the least of these" and that our love for this little boy was actually His love for this little boy.
I surrendered. Again. :) THAT, I could live with.
It's been an interesting 3 weeks. Unfortunately he has been quite sick, and thanks to an incredible pediatrician who wanted us to schedule a hearing test for him, we discovered that he has hearing loss in both ears. :( They are doing a medical procedure next week under anesthesia to see if that helps, and then we'll move forward with speech therapy from there. He has very few words which we think is related to the hearing loss. But boy, does he have quite the personality! ;) He runs around with the other kids, eats like a horse, pushes his trucks around, tries to be a helper, and sleeps like a champ! (And bites the baby and gets into the dogfood and tries to climb on top of the fridge and screams louder than anything you can imagine, but who's keeping track?)
I said to Micah a couple of nights ago, "It's happening." He kind of cocked his head and said, "What is happening?" I said, "I am already noticing a strong bond with him." When I put him to bed last night and rubbed his little head, I realized afterwards that I said, "I love you sweet boy! Have a good sleep." And I meant it. :) I am sure that bond will continue to grow, but I went to sleep last night thanking God that something on this journey has been easy.
I am so, so grateful for God's grace. Just a couple of months ago I was really questioning God's goodness to me. I mean REALLY questioning it. That's not a great thing to type, and as much as I'd like to deny it, it's the truth. :( A friend and I were talking recently about how God can come through and show Himself to us in such amazing ways, but how quickly we forget! How quickly do our circumstances become our gauge of His faithfulness in our lives! This should not be the way we live. As much as challenging circumstances should not define His faithfulness to us, easy circumstances should not define His blessing over us! God is good. God is faithful. End. Of. Story.
