Merry Christmas 2010 from the Rose Family! :)

Soon, very soon, we should be able to post a REAL photo of all 3 kids! :)

The death of "What could have been"

The last few weeks have been smooth sailing here in the Rose household. Snow, a break from school, a wonderful Thanksgiving with 35 family members, and preparations for Christmas have brought fun and joy into our home. Gratefulness and a recognition of God's grace in our lives have kept us pressing ahead. The healing of our hearts has also been evident, and the sadness I had been feeling was taking a back seat.

However, a couple of nights ago, I feel like I took a few steps backwards in terms of where my heart was in the healing process with Baby. It had been several days since he had crossed my mind, and a couple of weeks since I had felt any strong presence of grief. But---I had a dream. A dream that there had been a terrible mistake and that the state realized that they were supposed to leave Baby in our care. They were returning him to us. Permanently. I was overjoyed and ecstatic---sobbing hysterically to Micah in my dream that I was glad I was "waking up from the nightmare" I was having and that he coming back to us.

Then I woke up. And proceeded to then cry hysterically that I WAS in fact waking up from a nightmare and that it was all a mean joke. A mean, cruel, joke, played on me by the enemy to kick me while I was down. To try and get me to live in a state of defeat. sorrow. hopelessness.

And then, I had to laugh. I know Baby is where he belongs. I know that God has a plan for our family and I can see a vision of my little family huddling together, with God's hands outstretched over us. He is protecting us. Watching out for us. He's got our back. And where the light of Jesus is---the enemy has to flee. He is not welcome to bring unwarranted attacks against me and my family. I stand in victory in THE LORD JESUS CHRIST! :)

Grief is a cycle. Supposedly, one moves from denial, to bargaining, to anger, to acceptance. I've been through all 4. Denial that we were losing him. Bargaining with God to get him back. Totally ticked at God for allowing him to leave. Surrendering to God that His will is best.

The hardest part currently is a "death of what could have been." I have a little more insight now on friends who have had miscarriages. I never could relate to that before, and to be honest--I never could understand how big of a deal it was. I get it now, though. It IS a big deal. The grief I've dealt with is not so much a "loss of Baby." It's the loss of "what could have been." It's a loss of his first birthday, of Christmas, of all the other "firsts," and of watching him grow up.

It all comes back around to surrender. Surrendering to the One who has the Master Plan. And you know what? Surrender is an active, constant choice. I can choose to surrender, or I can choose to wallow in anger and self pity. This girl's choosing to move ahead. Choosing to trust. Choosing to obey. Choosing to not dwell in sorrow over what could have been.

One Month

One month ago today, we walked out our front door with 4 children, and walked back in with 3.

One month ago today, I parted with the baby I thought was going to be part of our "forever" family.

One month ago today, I tried my best to explain to the other kids that God had a plan for Baby, and that plan was for him to live somewhere else.

One month ago today, I yelled at God and demanded understanding. I wanted to know WHY He would allow us such heartache after all we had invested into one of HIS precious children.

It's been one month, now. The flower arrangements different friends gave us have died, the little cards of encouragement have stopped, time has moved on, and our hearts have come to a place of acceptance. God doesn't ask us to LIKE everything that happens in our lives, but He asks us to TRUST that He will work all things for good for those who love Him. And since we love Him, we know that He is protecting us, keeping us safe, and doing what is best for us.

Our perspective has changed significantly in the past month. After 2 weeks, we ran into Baby and his new foster family at a public location. His foster mom brought him over to us and he immediately grinned from ear to ear at the sound of our voices. He recognized us. I climbed back into the car and burst into tears. I missed him. I wanted him back. Later that night I said to Micah, "You know that I am not going to be able to do this again, right? The only way I could EVER part with another baby EVER again is if God says we are to do this again, and I sure don't think He is!"

A lot has transpired from that moment until now. I have purposefully not blogged about it because I wanted to KNOW that I KNOW that what I am about to say was from God. After two weeks without budging, I am convinced.

God is asking us to risk all. Again. To open our hearts. To open our home. To welcome HIS precious children, and to trust Him. We now feel like we are to say "yes" to the children, whether there is a "strong chance" they will be adopted or not. God has asked us to be willing to also do short-term foster care, and to entrust our family to Him. He knows who will become permanent members of our family, and who will just be here for a short time. He is asking us to love with all of our hearts, and to show the children in our care the love He has for them. We will love them all as our own children, for however long that may be. And we will trust Him, even if that means the next 20 babies that enter our home end up leaving. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is in control of our lives. And I also have surrendered the right to understand. I know that when I am not surrendered to His will, I am miserable. Defeated. Hopeless. Angry.

Thankfully, THANKFULLY, God is seated on His throne, and He is faithful to complete the work He started in us. We do not know what the future holds for us, but we know that as long as we are surrendered to His will in our lives, we will have peace with where He takes us.

I can hardly believe it.

Seriously. I can't believe it. After the roller coaster of a life we've lived for the past year or so, we finally have a little "calm."

As I've mentioned before, Micah's place of employment, Maple Lane, is being shut down due to budget cuts and he has been on the hunt for a new job. This summer we were disappointed when he didn't get hired with the state patrol. This fall we were disappointed when he made it all the way to spot #2 out of 100 guys with the Aberdeen Police Department.....and they only hired 1 guy. Last month we were disappointed to find out that he was in fact, losing his job at Maple Lane imminently and that the "option" they gave him was to take a significant demotion and less appealing hours. Let's be honest: it's been a rough season in the Rose household. Add to Micah's job stress the heartache of losing a baby, the potential of losing our other sweet girl, my Dad's illness, and moving, and you pretty much have an equation that equals a *slight* feeling of being out of control. :)

Don't get me wrong--I know that I am clearly NOT the one in control. BUT: when SO many things seem to go awry, I often resort to feelings of futility and hopelessness. I seem to have a limit of what I can deal with, and when that bar gets raised I tend to throw in the towel and say "I can't handle it."

This week the bar was raised again. We had an baby in our care for 2 days who has undergone more trauma in her short life than I could bear. I cannot give details, but in order for a child to be removed from their home in our state, they have to either be severely abused or neglected. How someone could significantly abuse or neglect an infant is beyond me. In the 2 days we had her, my heart broke yet again for the children in THIS country who endure things they should never have to endure. My heart cry was, "God! Please! The injustice!!" Unfortunately, this baby girl had more needs than we felt like we were able to meet practically, and I had to call them and say that I didn't feel like we could keep her. That was another tough phone call. And another opportunity to surrender to Jesus and say, "Not my will but Yours be done." God knows our hearts. He knows our desire for more children. And he also knows that our hearts are still very much healing from losing Baby 2 weeks ago and that we need a little bit of time before committing to another baby long term. We feel like He has told us to take a little "breather" through the holidays and to wait until the 1st of the year before taking another placement. My heart is at peace with that. I am looking forward to a little bit of a slower pace for these next couple months! :)

THEN, to cap off all this craziness, last night at 5:30 Micah and I, the kids, and my parents were all sitting down at their house chatting about what to do for dinner. Micah's cell phone rang and he proceeded to have a conversation with someone on the other end. He refused to make eye contact with me and wouldn't answer any of the questions I was whispering at him while on the phone. He was being such a stinker! ;) Anyways, he got off the phone, stood up and announced to us all that he got the job as the Program Manager for ECEAP at the college!!! This was SUCH an answer to our prayers! It is a job close to our home. A job the pays the exact same thing as what he was making at Maple Lane, but with TWO MONTHS OFF every summer! Can you believe it?! I can hardly believe it!!

I knew this summer when Micah didn't get hired with the state patrol that God had something better. However, it was difficult to envision what "something better" looked like practically. I cannot tell you now how thankful I am that he did NOT get hired with the state patrol! I look at this job that he will be starting next week and think, "Thank you God that you know our needs so much better than we do!"

I am humbled. Thankful. Appreciative of God's faithfulness despite my frequent feelings of unbelief and fear. Our lack of faith does not change God's faithfulness, and for that, I am grateful.

An Encouraging Day

I am thankful. Thankful that God has been so gracious to meet me where I'm at. In my brokenness and mess, He has met me and whispered words of hope at just the right time. Today I was driving to pick up Caitlyn from school, and who did I see walking along side the road? Baby's parents. They recognized my car and flagged me down. I pulled over, and they came running up to my window and asked how I was doing. They had obviously heard that all 3 of their children had been moved to a new foster home together, and their words spoke straight to my heart. They stood there at my car window, cried with me, and thanked me repeatedly for caring for their son. Baby's Dad said that he and Baby's Mom wanted to take Micah and I out to dinner just to thank us for "all we did for them."

I was baffled. You see, biological parents are generally not thrilled about foster parents. To them, foster parents are doing the job that they see themselves fit to do. Foster parents are raising THEIR children. The children that they birthed. The children that they love, in the way that they know how to "love." Essentially, foster parents are their competition.

My heart aches for this couple. They are broken, hurting, and surrounded by influences that make it harder for them to succeed. You will never hear me make excuses for people who abuse or neglect their children. HOWEVER, if you look at generational patterns of poverty, lack of stability, and abuse, it is a little easier to understand HOW things like that happen. Again, I am not making excuses for them, but my heart is heavy for them tonight. You know why? I HAVE JESUS---someone who will listen to my heartache, grieve with me, and pull me through. I have friends and family who have been incredibly supportive and who I KNOW are lifting my family up in prayer. THIS COUPLE does not. They do not have a support system. They do not know Jesus. And they have A LOT to overcome in order to "make it."

The irony of this, to me, is that Jesus used this broken, hurting couple to minister to MY heart. To know that this one couple was blessed by our investment in their baby for the last 3 months makes it TOTALLY worth it. They seriously want to take US out to dinner?! Amazing! And that fact that Baby's Mom kept reaching into the car and trying to comfort me when we were ALL crying?! I couldn't believe it!

We have not chosen foster care for accolades, thank-yous, or recognition. (Trust me, it would be A LOT of work for a pat on the back!) I never expected anything from any of these parents. But to know that the love we gave Baby was recognized and appreciated by them somehow brings healing to my heart. Their words were the reassurance I needed that yes, we are doing the right thing. And yes, it is worth it.

Strong enough to handle?

Many people have been encouraging me with the following verse: "God won't give you anything you aren't strong enough to handle." I've heard it so many times in this last week that I decided to look it up in the Bible and do a little study on the verses surrounding this one. After scouring through several different translations and multiple different online searches, I came to discover one thing: that phrase is not a Bible verse! The closest thing I could find came from 1 Corinthians 10:13: "The Temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you can endure (NLT)."

This verse does NOT actually say that my CIRCUMSTANCES will not be difficult or challenging. It says that God will provide a way out when I am TEMPTED!

Our hearts are hurting.....sad.....well, completely broken if I'm being honest....and I am finding myself faced with decisions all day long. You might even call them TEMPTATIONS. When I started putting away the baby's things, I was TEMPTED to scream and yell at God, "I will never do this again!!! It is TOO hard! TOO costly! What you've asked of us is just. too. much!" When our precious 2-year-old will not let me out of her sight because she's afraid she has to move too, I am TEMPTED to shake my fists in the air and demand an answer to my question: "Are you going to take her from us too, Lord?!" When I'm going about my day and suddenly get hit with the thought of another Mom getting to rock the precious baby I have grown to love, I am TEMPTED to question God's plan for us, to disqualify myself as a mother because of all my imperfections, and to wonder if I am being punished for not being perfect.

However, the last half of that verse in 1 Corinthians clearly states: "He will show you a way out so that you can endure." You know what that means? Exactly what it says! #1--He will show me a way out. #2--I can endure.

But......I don't want to endure! I don't want to be refined. I don't want to hurt. I do NOT want my kids to hurt. When kids hurt, mommies and daddies hurt too. Seeing our kids hurt and try to fumble their way through this is incredibly difficult to watch.

My flesh wants the first half of that verse---the "way out" part. And by "way out," I don't mean it wants to make the right choice and to look to Him for strength and guidance. My flesh wants the EASY way out. My flesh wants to turn around and run in the opposite direction. Away from the trials. Away from the children who need a home. Away from the cost. My flesh cries out that this is just. too. much.

But guess what else? There is a small flicker deep within my heart that knows we will come out the other side of this. I know that that small flicker will soon be a glowing fire. Romans 5:3-5 says: "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." I am not exactly "rejoicing in my sufferings" at the moment, but I'm hangin' in there to get to the "hope" part. :) I am thankful that God is willing to meet me where I'm at, despite my imperfections, with the small seed of faith that I carry. He WILL transform us. He WILL make our faith greater than it has been. And as much as I shake my head in utter disbelief and humility, He WILL bring us to a place where we are able to give ALL to the next child that walks through our door.

I want to end this post with a story that I hope is encouraging. Yesterday, instead of doing our usual Sunday routine, we decided to "escape" for the day as a family. We headed out of town and spent the day doing several different things just for fun. Sometime late afternoon I told Micah I wanted to go into a Christian Bookstore. I was browsing through the kids' devotional section looking for something to practically help the kids through this season in our lives. After picking up a couple of books that were way over their heads, I picked up this book called "The Adventure Bible Book of Devotions for Early Readers." I flipped it open to a random page, and read it. After doing so, I nearly scraped my jaw off of the floor! The page I had turned to was called Plenty of Room and the entire story was about the importance of Foster care! The last paragraph says this, "Many families all across the world have made the choice to open their homes to a child that needs a family to love and care for them. It isn't just that kids need foster moms an dads. They also need foster brothers and sisters. You can be a hero to someone who needs somebody like you to be part of his or her family for a long time or short time." Um, okay Lord! I'll buy it! :)

Mark 9:37 -- "Anyone who welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me."

Jesus, we welcome you into our home and our lives. Transform us from the inside out. Heal our hearts. Give us the strength to love. We say 'yes' to you, Lord. We trust you. Amen.

Meeting the "new mom"

I finally mustered up enough strength today to call the woman who is going to be taking Baby and his siblings. I was given her phone number last week and told by our social worker that it would be best if I met her before just handing him over to her next weekend. I agreed, but needed a few days to process before I could actually make the call. Poor woman.....I had been doing fine all morning, but when she answered the phone I instantly burst into tears and could not even speak to identify myself. She must have had caller ID, because she said right away, "It took courage for you to call me and I understand why it took you a few days."

This foster mom just last week experienced losing a child. She had a baby in her care for 8 months that she thought would become a permanent member of their family, but that baby returned to a family member. Unfortunately, knowing that someone else just experienced the same heartache I am beginning, somehow brought no solace to me. I wasn't focused on the fact that she had lost someone she had grown to love. What I cared about was that fact that I don't get to adopt the baby that I have grown to love over the past 3 months. You may think that sounds selfish and completely unsympathetic. And it is.

I know that the brutal honesty in my blogging opens the door for people to form opinions, be critical of where I am at, and share their "advice." But I HAVE to chronicle the reality of where I'm at now so that I can look back later and see the full picture. I KNOW that redemption will come. I KNOW that my heart will heal and I will be able to pour myself whole-heartedly into the next foster child that walks through our door. I want to be able to say "look what the Lord has done!" And in order for that to happen, it is only fair to chronicle what He is GOING to pull us out of! :) He will not leave this process unfinished. I know that He will not allow me to flop around like a fish outta' water for long. He WILL restore our hearts and I WILL boast of His grace to our family. Is He trying to bring me to an even greater place of desperation and dependence on Him? Yup. Do unfortunate things just happen sometimes because of the world we live in? Yes. Do we ever see the full picture in the midst of challenging circumstances? Unlikely. Do our hearts hurt sometimes? Um, yes.

I love the words to this song by Casting Crowns called "Praise You in this Storm." I could listen to it over and over and over.

I was sure by now

God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

More Than Conquerors

I am committing to blogging more. I realized today that many times I fail to blog because of my own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. I fear being misunderstood. Lacking eloquence. Being looked at as crazy. Not holy enough. Stumbling over the words I write and my postings just looking like I barfed on the page. But you know what? I don't care anymore. I want to document our journey and I am willing to expose the raw emotion, challenges, and joys that we face.

With that being said, here is our latest update. :)

Romans 8:37 says: "In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

More than conquerors, huh? That's funny. I feel like this week has been a week of defeat for me. A week of putting one foot in front of the other and questioning why God has had us on the path we are on. Micah received his layoff notice at work (effective 10/14), and in one phone call from our social worker we found out that baby "M" is going to be placed in another foster home along with his siblings, and the biological parents of the "Little Miss" are suddenly compliant and there is a strong possibility she will be leaving us as well.

When we initially became licensed to Foster-Adopt, we knew that this road would be challenging. We knew it would be costly. We knew there was a chance our hearts could be broken. However, I have declared all along that God will see through whatever it is He is asking of us.

I'm going to be really honest here: It is much easier to say that when life looks peachy. When your happy little family is sitting in Starbucks drinking hot chocolate, or playing at the beach, or snuggling on the couch watching Veggietales and eating popcorn--it is easy to say all the wonderful cliches us Christians are so good at: "God is so good to us!" Or "We are so blessed!" Even prayers of thanksgiving seem to flow when the happy moments are at their peak. But what about when life is hard? When trials are thrown our way? When I found out "baby M" was leaving this week and that we could easily lose our sweet 2-year-old, and that Micah was losing his job, I had two choices. I could throw up my hands and say, "No more! I can't take it, Lord!" Or I could say, "Not my will but Yours be done, God!" You know what? I know I'm supposed to say that I chose the second phrase, but I didn't! I ran upstairs, buried my face in my pillow and sobbed until I was hoarse. Over and over I cried, "why? Why? WHY?!!" I justified every reason to God of how we had "been so obedient" and "gave all of our hearts" to these children. I told Him that it wasn't fair and that I didn't understand why he would allow such heartache. Prayers of thanksgiving were not at the forefront of my mind. God's goodness was not at the forefront of my mind. The fact that "someday there will be other children who need us to pour into them" was not on my mind. Feelings of loss and grief were at the front of my mind.

Today is Saturday and that "conversation" God and I had was just on Thursday evening. I'll be honest again: I'M NOT THERE YET. I haven't "arrived" at the place of feeling peachy keen. I haven't gotten over the fact that another family gets to adopt the precious baby that has captured my heart in the 12 weeks I've cared for him. I do not have the answers to some of the questions I have asked God.

BUT--I DO know that I am more than a conqueror in Jesus Christ. And thanks to a wonderful video by Beth Moore, I was reminded that in order to be an overcomer, I have to OVERCOME something!

If I look back over my life, I could list numerous difficult circumstances I have faced that I swore I would never make it through. From the loss of a child, to significant illness in my family, to financial strain, sometimes the road has seemed too much to bear. Thankfully, God has used each and every one of those trials to strengthen my mustard seed faith. He healed my Mom of Leukemia. He led the doctors to find the hidden clot in my dad's brain that nearly cost him his life. He has given me an amazing relationship with Drew and his adoptive family. And He has provided for all of our needs financially. Over and over again God has proven himself faithful, despite my inadequacies and periods of unbelief.

These next few weeks are going to be rough. I know from experience that grief is a process and that God is asking me to take His hand and to trust Him to see our family through this transition. He will. I know He will. A pastor from our old church always used to say, "Faith first, feelings later." I'm standing on that. Knowing that as I declare God's goodness in the midst of this fire, He will heal my heart and I will come out the other side even more confident of the truths I declare.

Oldies But Goodies

I stumbled across these photos of the kids that I took when they were just little munchkins and thought I'd post them for fun. :) Caleb had just turned 3, and Caitlyn was 7 1/2 months. And Micah? Well.....let's just say he was younger than he is now! ;)

Tractor Boy

We picked up this ride-on-toy for Caleb when he was only 2, and he still loves it. Can't take a boy away from his tractor!

Tolmie State Park

One of our fun summer adventures was a day trip to the beach!

"The Haircut"

Every year at the beginning of the Summer, Micah gives Caleb his "summer haircut" with the clippers. As you can tell from one of the photos at the end, Caleb is never thrilled.....however, it is not because he is losing his hair....it is because he doesn't like the noise!

Backyard Sprinkler Fun!

Well, since it's officially September and Summer is virtually over, I figured it was time to update the blog with photos from our summer adventures! As usual, with "non-identifying" photos of our Little Miss! ;)

Caitlyn warming up!

Air Time!!

The Little Miss watching Caleb run for it!

Precious Babe

Hi there! We are only allowed to post "non-identifying" photos of our newest little guy, so these photos will have to do. :) Baby is doing well. Enjoy!

Change, change, and more change!

I know I am really behind in blogging, but I had to at least post a quick update! For the past couple of months, we have felt a tug to simplify our lives.....to get rid of "stuff," to spend more time at home, and to focus on what is really important to us while letting the less important things fall to the side. Last week, we committed to renting a house a few miles away that is HALF the size of the home we are in now! We are so excited to see God bring our family even closer together in this next season.

SO, less than one week after committing to move to this cute little house next month, we got a phone call from our social worker asking if we would be willing to take a newborn baby boy! And even more crazy....he was going to be born TODAY and we would be picking him up FROM THE HOSPITAL TOMORROW! We said yes! Haha!

I am ecstatic, overjoyed, nervous (!), anticipatory, at peace, and ready to see where God takes us in this next season. When we moved into the house we are in now last Fall, we thought we would end up selling our house in Tacoma and eventually buying this one. We dreamed of raising our family here and frequently commented on the beauty of this home and how perfect it was for us. But God had a different plan. :) Besides, I know the unfortunate strength of my flesh and how easy it has been to place much more value in the structure of my home instead of the character of the people in it. I know we have to move before our priorities shift too far towards worldly goals. I refuse to let a love for money and the things of this world stand in the way of our children's growth and their relationships with God. Micah is an amazing leader of our family and fortunately has felt the same tug.

We take the verse in James very seriously when it talks about caring for orphans and widows. God has called the Rose family to say yes to the broken, hurting children right here in our portion of the world, and to try and make a difference in their lives, with His leadership. We hope and pray that each new child that comes into our home will feel His presence and know they are loved. This is no small task. We know we will fail miserably without relying on God continually for strength, wisdom, and guidance. Please pray for us as we enter a new season with this little one! Pray for our biological kids to be protected, for an easy transition for all of us, and for God to continue to direct us as we seek His will during this season! :)

Two Weeks of Accomplishments!

It's been two weeks today since the "Little Miss" joined our household, and I thought I would share some of her *remarkable* accomplishments during her time here!

*She managed to dump out an entire brand new bottle of syrup out all over the counter, the floor and herself. She then proceeded to not just 'finger paint,' but to hands-and-feet-paint with it all over the barstools and kitchen floor.

*She has thrown numerous toys down the the stairs and onto the tile floor below, including baby dolls, a plastic shopping cart, dolly stroller, and piggy bank. Remarkably, none of said toys have broken.

*After a week of hunting for that Netflix DVD we were SO waiting to see, we located it--IN THE VCR.

*On a more heart warming note, she learned to sing Jesus Loves Me. Her version, "Dee-dus yuvs me" is far more precious than the original and my mom had the privilege of being in the car with me when she belted it out for the first time. I could have listened to her sing that song for hours. The longer she is with us, the more protective I feel of her and the desire I have for her to be a permanent part of our family continues to grow. As always, though, we are trusting God's plan for her life. (Isaiah 55:8)

*Finally, and most impressively, she cut her own hair. Her bangs were hanging down in her eyes and I gave them a VERY small trim the night before. She must have been unimpressed and thought she could do a better job herself, because yesterday, she grabbed a pair of kitchen scissors and took a nice chunk out of the side of her hair! As foster parents, you are only allowed to trim a child's hair...you cannot, under any circumstances, cut their hair or change the hairstyle without permission from the social worker or the biological parents. Oops!

A visit with the Ords!

The day after the Barkers came to visit, we were blessed to have more friends come! Josh and Jessica Ord have been good friends of ours for the past 10 years, and it was fun to have them and their 3 munchkins come down for a visit from Tacoma. We unfortunately hadn't gotten to see each other much over the past couple years and it was great to just pick up where we left off and keep right on going. We love you guys too! :)

This is the *best* photo I got of all 5 kids in their jammies! :)

Cute little Eli!

Caitlyn and Grace

A visit with the Barkers!

Last Thursday we were blessed to spend a little bit of time with the Barker family! Aaron and Ronda were good friends of ours when we lived in Tacoma, and it was really great to connect with them again before they left for their next adventure! Next week they are moving to Kona, Hawaii to join up with the YWAM base and do full-time missions work, using Kona as their homebase. Their faith and courage is incredibly inspiring and we have been so blessed to watch their journey this past year. Love you guys!

Ronda and Kirsten

Caleb, Jacob

Ariel, Caitlyn, Hailey (current ages: 7,6,5,4,3!)

Just the girls: Ariel, Caitlyn, Hailey

Buddies! Caleb and Jacob

The first 10 days

The past 10 days have been quite the roller coaster! There are so many things I could comment on, but I'll just have to highlight a few:

--The transition to 3 has been incredibly easier than expected! The "little Miss" has received quite a bit of attention and is often fought over at every meal, car ride, etc....."NO! It's MY turn to sit by her!" "NO! It's MY turn! You got to sit by her at breakfast!" The kids have been extremely generous with their things and I have been so proud to see their interactions with her.

--I am SO ready to be done with diapers! Haha! I really, really appreciate having children that are potty trained and I am motivated to potty train this little one as soon as she shows interest! (don't want to push her into anymore transition! )

--I am in NO rush for another child. :) We could still technically get a phone call for another child, but three is fine for now. We have our hands full!

--The foster/adopt process is WAY more complicated than we ever would have expected! The process is long, unpredictable, and inconsistent. We are in this for as long as it takes, risking our hearts, and giving all. As much as I have tried to guard my heart and be realistic about the process, if I chose to be guarded and not give everything I have to this little one as I would my own biological children, I would have so many regrets. How could I justify it if two years from now she were to return home and I hadn't loved her to the the fullness of my capacity while in our care? My only reason for holding back would be to protect myself and that is not something I want hanging over my head! I understand that the risk is great...the cost is great... and the sorrow could be great....but that is a risk we are willing to take. I trust 110% that God will meet us where we are at and either celebrate with us, our heal our hearts. For now, we are taking it a day at a time and loving her as much as we can today. There is nothing more we can do.

I hope you enjoy these couple photos. As I said before, we can't post any photos of her face, so these will have to do. :) Thanks, friends, for your support!

--

Top 5 Things From Day 1:

Thank you so much, friends and family, for your support of us in this season! We are so excited to start this new chapter in our lives and hope you will check our blog for updates. :) Unfortunately, because of legal reasons, we cannot share her name or post any photos on our blog, and the information we ARE allowed to share is limited. These blog posts will have to do for now! (I will reference "her" as the "little Miss")

Here are the top 5 highlights from day one:

5. Back to diapers again. It's been a couple of years since we've had a little one in diapers, and after EVERY diaper today being poopy, I sure have the motivation to potty train this little one!

4. Needing to make a "quick trip to Wal-Mart" for 2 things I forgot to pick up yesterday. First of all, "quick" and "Wal-Mart" should never be used in the same sentence. It took us roughly and hour and a half to load up 3 kids in the car, make our trek through the store, and then get home to unload. And yes, we actually live close enough that we can see the store out of our window at home.

3. I decided to have Micah put the double stroller in the back of the Suburban because I thought that the little Miss might do better if she could sit next to Caitlyn (our stroller is a side-by-side). It quickly became apparent that pushing two girls who are 35+ pounds each counted as Micah's workout for the day. The weight was not distributed well because the girls kept leaning forward. Micah kept asking them to sit back, which Caitlyn was not doing, but the little Miss was listening quite well. She was so baffled that Caitlyn was not obeying! She had this look of shock on her face time and time again when Caitlyn would lean forward on purpose when Micah wasn't looking (I had the privilege of pushing the cart behind them and viewing these interactions) Finally, after saying virtually NO words for the first several hours of being with us, she looked at Micah, yelled "DAD!" and flailed her arms towards Caitlyn as in, "Aren't you seeing what she's doing?!!" It was hilarious.

2. Watching her and Caitlyn do laps through our house, pushing a dolly stroller and giggling like they have known each other forever. I know a true friendship is blossoming already.

1. Rocking her at bedtime, as she just looked up at me with bright, shining eyes and precious smile. I wonder what was going through her mind...to be in a new house, with new kids and new adults and a new room with a new blankie.....

We are so grateful. Happy, thankful, and joyous seem to be words that fall incredibly short of the true honor we feel to play a small part in God's plan for this little one's life. Whether she is with us a month, or for the rest of her life, we have such peace in knowing that we have said "yes" to the journey. God will take care of the rest. He will guide our hearts--guard them if they need to be guarded, and expanded them if we need to give more. We are trusting Him.

Waiting for Isaac

I will be the first to admit that I struggle with impatience. I do not like to wait....especially for things that are exciting! Christmas is easily my favorite holiday, but it takes a great amount of self control on my part to not give loved ones their gifts as soon as I can get them wrapped. I am not known for purchasing gifts far in advance, wrapping them right away, and placing them under the tree to gaze at for weeks. I'm more of a "buy it, wrap it, give it" kind of girl! ;) As we've been on this journey of adoption, there have been numerous little "snags" that have really stretched my patience level. It took longer than we had to expected to complete the training, homestudy, reference checks, background checks, interview, etc.....but here we are, officially licensed. Officially waiting to see what precious children will be joining our family. We received our legal license in the mail last week on Wednesday, so it has not even been a week yet....but I just wanted to share what God has been doing in me and our family.

Since we started this process in the fall, Micah and I had always been in agreement about the direction we felt God was leading us: to get our license specifically to 'Foster Adopt'--meaning we would only have children placed in our care who have a long term plan of adoption. Either they would have had biological siblings who had already been adopted by other families, or they were 'legally free' to be adopted. Neither of us ever felt like we were signing up to just do foster care or respite care (very short term care). We never vacillated from this direction, and in fact, proceeded ahead with great confidence that this was the route we were to take.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have really started to grow impatient. Though we didn't even receive our official license until last Wednesday, I have been nearly consumed by the details for several months....who are these kids? Where are they? God-please protect them! When will they be joining us? When, when, WHEN?! I knew that my anticipation was turning to impatience when I decided to "help" God out a bit. Though it wasn't something I did consciously, it played out like this:

Micah and I were driving up to Costco last week when I decided to let him know I was thinking he may not have made the best decision by 'limiting us' to Foster Adopt instead of just general Foster Care (my MISTAKE #1). My rationale was that often times people who are general foster parents (without the intent to adopt) end up with the option to adopt children placed in their care in the long run...."Honey," I said...."Don't you think we might be limiting God by only being willing to Foster Adopt? It is taking SO long! (remember, we hadn't even gotten our license in the mail yet at this point!) Don't you think we maybe should have said that we would be willing to just do foster care so that we would have kids placed with us sooner?!" (MISTAKE #2) At the time, I honestly felt like it would be YEARS before we had a child (or children) placed with us and I was just not willing to wait that long.

Micah, kindly, but with great conviction, looked at me and said, "We are NOT trading Isaac for Ishmael!" I knew exactly what he was saying. In the Old Testament, God had spoken to Abraham that he and his wife Sarah would have a son. Sarah, was well into her 90's at the time and she laughed when she heard that spoken (as I'm sure I would have too)! Instead, Sarah gave her servant Hagar to Abraham to bear a son for her, and that son's name was Ishmael. God LATER fulfilled what He had spoken to both Abraham and Sarah, and they conceived a son whom they named Isaac.

Micah's point was that we didn't need to act like Sarah and help God out by "expanding our options" and "making it easier for Him" to fulfill what He had spoken to us. God does not need our help! In fact, God usually prefers to glorify Himself by surprising us with HIS amazing plan, not our I-think-I-have-it-figured-out plan!

Foster Adopt is easily the least glamorous of ways to expand your family. We anticipate that it will be challenging, emotionally strenuous, and refining. However, we also know that God will carry us through the challenges we face and will strengthen us through the process. I am excited to testify to His faithfulness through this journey!

So here I am, just over a week later, and my patience continues to be stretched. HOWEVER, I trust God, and I trust His timing. I trust Micah as he seeks God in leading our family. We may wait days, or we may wait several more months. But the one thing I know for sure is this: whether it be in the form of a little boy, a little girl, or both--I am DEFINITELY waiting for Isaac.

And you thought YOU had a lot of laundry....

This is what happens when Daddy takes 2 weeks off of work and Mommy chooses to do no laundry during those 2 weeks. This clean pile literally took me HOURS to fold and put away, but it was worth it to have 2 weeks chore-free. :)

Bye-bye tooth!

Caleb lotht hith firtht top tooth thith fall! :) His friends must have wealthier parents than us because we were informed that the going rate for a top tooth was significantly higher than for a bottom tooth! And since he lost both front teeth within a few days of each other, his piggy bank grew and our bank account shrunk. He was graciously informed that the front teeth were special, but in order to have enough money for all of the other little kids in the world, he shouldn't expected more than $1 from the tooth fairy for the subsequent pearly whites that fall out.

Catching Up

Ok, ok....I know that I am REALLY behind. So here are some photos from last fall up until this week! :)

Caleb and Caitlyn both played soccer this fall.....Micah got to be Caleb's coach, and Caitlyn got to play on a team with several other little kiddos from church. Here are a few photos from the season!