A year ago today in a rural hospital, a tiny babe was born. She spent the next 5 weeks struggling to overcome hurdles no human being should ever have to endure. Her tiny body experienced pain that not even the strongest narcotic could relieve entirely. By all worldly definitions she was unplanned, unwanted, abandoned, and alone. For those 5 weeks, doctors and nurses cared for her, but she had no physical presence of a Mama or Daddy there to whisper "Fight, baby girl! Fight!" into her ear.
However, she was definitely not alone. Though her biological parents did not plan her, GOD DID. While I poured my heart out to God the entire month of February BEGGING him to protect the child or children who would join our family that year, He was doing exactly that, without my knowledge.
We had no idea of her existence until she was a month old. But! God, the King of the Universe and the Father of all creation, had His hand on baby A's life from the moment she was conceived. HE was there with her the entire time in the hospital. He saw every blood draw. He witnessed every injection of medication she needed. He was right beside her as oxygen pumped into her lungs and heart monitors ensured staff were notified if anything was awry. And a couple hundred miles across the state, He was preparing our hearts for her arrival.
I clearly remember sharing with a couple of friends how hard it was to wait. To not have any idea what age, sex, or size the child(ren) would be was difficult. The last several children in our home had been baby boys, and I had nothing for a baby girl. (I take that back. I DID have one little pink puffy winter coat.) While Caleb and Daddy prayed for a baby boy, Caitlyn, Elianna, and I prayed for a baby girl. And though many of you know that God answered the prayers of ALL of us last year, baby A would be the first to arrive.
We got the phone call about her placement on a Thursday evening, but she wasn't quite ready to leave the hospital and we arranged to meet her and pick her up on Monday morning. Our 3 older kids were with us, and we waited in a small office while a nurse explained her discharge instructions and asked if Micah and I had any questions. After signing a bunch of paperwork, she left the room to get the baby. We moved into the lobby area and waited only a brief minute before a sweet, very alert, brown eyed girl, swaddled tight in a light pink thermal-knit receiving blanket was brought through the door. We didn't even know her name! As much as I tried, I could not contain the tears. My eyes flowed buckets over this amazing little fighter who was entrusted to ME to take care of. Like many times over the last few years, I was humbled. This wide-eyed beauty was coming home with ME?
I have a history of disqualifying myself from any sort of blessing. My thoughts often frequently fall along these lines: We shouldn't take a vacation because we really haven't really worked hard enough to warrant a break. We shouldn't increase our foster license to take another child because we aren't the most patient parents. I shouldn't sit down and take a nap today because I should be cleaning the house instead.
You get the point.
Somehow along the line I linked good things in my life to how hard I "do" for Jesus. And I always come up short. I constantly feel like I don't do enough, read enough, pray enough, give enough, or sacrifice enough. To be completely honest, it sucks to feel like I am always playing catch up.
And yet for whatever reason, God chose US as baby A's parents. And he chose HER to be our daughter. We have been entrusted with a gift. Why He chose us? I do not know. I do know that I am a regular person. A plain Jane. I get angry. I forget to call people back. I'm late a lot. I raise my voice. My house still has lots of boxes waiting to be unpacked. I have piles of laundry that I need to do. My kids don't get baths often enough. Sometimes I forget to pack their lunches. But thank God, literally, that His grace fills in all the places I fall short.
The last 11 months with baby A have been an incredible roller coaster. A not-so-fun game of "she's staying, she's leaving, she's staying, she's leaving." But she is staying now. Not going anywhere anytime soon. :) We love her dearly. I do not feel any different about her than I do the children I birthed. She is God's chosen daughter, a princess of the King!!
Baby A will get older. She will make mistakes. She will fall short. And God will cover her sin with His grace, just like He continues to cover mine. I cannot tell you how excited I am to teach her this! To lavish love on her and tell her about the God who created the universe, and about how much more He loves her than I even do!
God is teaching me so much. Showing me that His blessings are poured out over our lives because He loves us! Oh, how He loves us all! We have not earned His blessings. We cannot "do" something to make His blessings come. He is good, He is faithful, and He blesses us because He wants to. He has chosen us as His children.
Baby A, God chose you. He planned you. We wanted you. We waited for you. We love you.
