It's been 3 weeks since my last post and A LOT has changed in those 3 weeks! First, baby girl is still with us, and she won't be leaving us anytime soon. Though our foster/adopt journey has obviously had unpredictable twists and turns, she is here for now and we are thrilled to be her Mommy and Daddy for even one more day. That is another blog post for another time....but for now.....
I know you are probably wondering if my anxiety is still, in fact, gone. Guess what? It is!!! :) This is the craziest thing! Really, you will probably all think I've fallen off the deep end and lost my mind, but but I have been so busy enjoying my newfound freedom that I haven't made time to blog. ;)
I wish I had adequate words to paint a picture for you of the depth of anxiety I lived in. Saying it was awful, impairing, tormenting, or even crippling, is not a severe enough description of the prison I lived in.
I had an opportunity to share my story at church a couple of weeks ago! You can see it here:
http://www.cccog.com/#/media
(Then click on 8/19/12, "The Resurrection." My part starts around the 26 minute mark, but it's a great sermon if you want to listen to the whole thing! ;)
Though anxiety has been a lifelong affliction, it's intensity grew to a point of being debilitating only in the past few years. Simple tasks like going to get groceries or running to the bank were anxiety provoking. Events that others would view as fun, like taking a day trip to the beach, was stretching and not enjoyable. Being away from the kids for more than a night was out of the question.
BUT PRAISE THE LORD, I HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!! Set. Free. And believe me, I cannot tell you how undeserved this is. Seriously!! There is NOTHING I did to deserve this freedom. I have a nice long list of reasons why I do NOT deserve it!
I said "no" when God asked me to trust Him! When He asked me to run to Him for peace, I instead kept my mind busy with things like housecleaning or chatting with a friend or reading blogs so I didn't have to face the reality of my shrinking world. It took me over 5 years to see a even see a counselor because I was too afraid to ask for help and felt like a "good Christian" should just stop being anxious and move forward.
I absolutely CANNOT believe I lived like that for a good 12+ years! And above all else, I can't believe I reached a point where I actually "made peace" with the fact that anxiety would just be a permanent part of my life. PSH! How in the world can you "make peace" with anxiety?!
Today I packed up the kids and drove up to Olympia to take them school clothes shopping. I GOT ON THE FREEWAY AND DROVE THERE! With NO anxiety. Zilch. None. Not a second thought. I drove there like I'd done it a million times. I didn't have a panic attack. I didn't wonder if I was going to have a heart attack and die and crash my car. I didn't take my pulse a thousand times (or even once!). I didn't feel like my throat was swelling shut. It was the most freeing feeling! (Girlfriends, who wants to take a trip to Hawaii with me?! OK, nevermind, if I'm going to take a trip with someone it should probably be Micah since we spent our honeymoon in Oregon instead of Europe like we had hoped because it was the only place acceptable we could drive to.)
I know this may seem silly to someone who has never dealt with anxiety before, but this has been the reality of my life and I hope you've learned by now that I do not pretty things up before I barf them onto the pages of my blog. This is real life. My life. And my hope is that it will somehow, in some way, encourage someone else in their struggle.
Anywho, I'm off to get some sleep. Did I mention my insomnia is gone too? I honestly did not think there was a correlation between the two but I have slept like a rock for the past 3 weeks! :)
Nighty, night! :)
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
The goodness of God
This has been an amazing vacation. Not because of the beautiful surrounding
mountain scenery, the pink painted sunset we watched line the sky, the family
bike rides we've taken through nature, or the repeated trips to the pool
watching our four little ones play for hours. Yes, these things have brought me
joy, but they are miniscule in comparison to the unseen work God is doing on my
heart.
I have been struck repeatedly on this trip by the basic goodness of God. His hand of protection over my family. His mercy. His grace. His undeserved forgiveness for my lack of faith in Ariana’s life. I have been reminded multiple times over the past few days that God is just plain good. My circumstances do not change His goodness. My broken heart does not change His goodness. My fears, insecurities, doubts and unbelief do not change His goodness. See, God IS good. He doesn't "act" good or "allow" good things to happen. His very character IS goodness, and that will never change.
I have struggled for years with fear. Counseling, medication, different forms of therapy, positive self talk, breathing techniques, and numerous self help books have all been attempted to quell the anxiety that has been present every day of my life for at least the past 15 years. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have been unable to drive on the freeway for several years now. I've missed out on women's retreats, fun weekends away with girlfriends, playdates with friends from out of town and many other events as a result of the fear that has plagued me. I desperately wanted to take an out-of-country trip with Micah to celebrate our 10th anniversary this spring but settled for one night alone in our own house while my parents kept the kids at their house a few blocks away. I have been unable to even run up to Olympia to do errands by myself. Instead I have dragged my husband and 4 kids along for the ride because something as simple as driving 20 minutes to Costco alone was not an option.
Last fall I had multiple blood tests done, urine tests, a chest x-ray, an ultrasound of my heart and abdomen, thyroid tests, a gallbladder function procedure, and an endoscopy and biopsy under sedation of my stomach. All these procedures were done to discover why I was constantly having digestive issues, stomach pain, shakiness, weakness, dizziness, and fatigue. Final diagnosis? Other than a small ulcer that was corrected with an over-the-counter medication in about 6 weeks, NOTHING. No blood chemistry was off. My vital organs were all healthy and functioning exactly how they were created to. My thyroid was normal. No gallstones. Normal pee. No signs of cancer or serious disease anywhere in my body. Ironically, within days of completing the tests and being given the “all clear,” my symptoms dissipated. Completely. Can you say, “anxiety?”
I have felt God speaking to me for quite a while regarding this issue. He has asked me to trust Him. To give up control (which technically is just the impression of control as we don’t really ‘control’ our lives anyway). To spend more time seeking HIS desire for my life in regards to living a life bound by fear. And I have not done what He asked. Instead I have gripped tighter, attempted to control my circumstances to a greater degree, and practically “get over” my anxious thoughts. I have not fallen flat on my face in utter desperation to petition God for a miracle. I felt like if medication and therapy did not work, then I needed to just accept this as part of who I am. Friends, if you hear nothing else, please hear this: God does not intend for us to live our lives bound by fear! You probably aren’t as sinful as me. Seriously. Your fears may be nowhere as intense as mine, but He wants us all to trust Him even in the “little things.” Two nights ago I was cooking dinner, and I felt the presence of God so strongly. I don’t want to get all weird on you, but I literally felt anxiety and fear lift off of me. Gone. Eradicated. I wanted to put down the wooden spoon I was stirring the pasta with and drive somewhere, alone, just because I knew I could! Micah and the kids were in the kitchen too and I was so struck by God’s presence that I was completely oblivious to anything else going on. I was brought to my knees. Thankful. So, so thankful that He was doing a work on my heart. I am very aware that this is not something I deserve.
The world is SO MUCH BIGGER than just me and my little circumstances. I look back on times in my life when I was devastated--and believe me, there have been plenty of times—and am appalled by my reactions. How in the world could I actually be angry with the very One who created me? Who died on a cross, so that I could be set free from the bondage I live in? Did you hear that? Jesus died, NAILED TO A CROSS so that I could be set free from my anxiety. Continuing to choose to live a life of bondage is discrediting the ultimate sacrifice God made. That is very, very, humbling.
So what is the secret to this unmerited peace? Genuine thankfulness. A heart of gratitude. I am humbled that God cares enough about my character to allow trials to come in order that my faith may grow. I am clearly in need of greater refinement and sanctification in my life. If difficulties never presented themselves, how would I have a chance to grow? To trust? To submit to the One who sees the big picture?
I don’t anticipate feeling joy on Monday as I say goodbye to the baby I wanted to keep forever. I can hear her cooing and babbling as I type this blog entry, and my heart is broken over the fact that those adorable baby sounds will not wake me up next week at this time. My faith is being stretched to a level that is quite uncomfortable, yet I have such peace.
I have been struck repeatedly on this trip by the basic goodness of God. His hand of protection over my family. His mercy. His grace. His undeserved forgiveness for my lack of faith in Ariana’s life. I have been reminded multiple times over the past few days that God is just plain good. My circumstances do not change His goodness. My broken heart does not change His goodness. My fears, insecurities, doubts and unbelief do not change His goodness. See, God IS good. He doesn't "act" good or "allow" good things to happen. His very character IS goodness, and that will never change.
I have struggled for years with fear. Counseling, medication, different forms of therapy, positive self talk, breathing techniques, and numerous self help books have all been attempted to quell the anxiety that has been present every day of my life for at least the past 15 years. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have been unable to drive on the freeway for several years now. I've missed out on women's retreats, fun weekends away with girlfriends, playdates with friends from out of town and many other events as a result of the fear that has plagued me. I desperately wanted to take an out-of-country trip with Micah to celebrate our 10th anniversary this spring but settled for one night alone in our own house while my parents kept the kids at their house a few blocks away. I have been unable to even run up to Olympia to do errands by myself. Instead I have dragged my husband and 4 kids along for the ride because something as simple as driving 20 minutes to Costco alone was not an option.
Last fall I had multiple blood tests done, urine tests, a chest x-ray, an ultrasound of my heart and abdomen, thyroid tests, a gallbladder function procedure, and an endoscopy and biopsy under sedation of my stomach. All these procedures were done to discover why I was constantly having digestive issues, stomach pain, shakiness, weakness, dizziness, and fatigue. Final diagnosis? Other than a small ulcer that was corrected with an over-the-counter medication in about 6 weeks, NOTHING. No blood chemistry was off. My vital organs were all healthy and functioning exactly how they were created to. My thyroid was normal. No gallstones. Normal pee. No signs of cancer or serious disease anywhere in my body. Ironically, within days of completing the tests and being given the “all clear,” my symptoms dissipated. Completely. Can you say, “anxiety?”
I have felt God speaking to me for quite a while regarding this issue. He has asked me to trust Him. To give up control (which technically is just the impression of control as we don’t really ‘control’ our lives anyway). To spend more time seeking HIS desire for my life in regards to living a life bound by fear. And I have not done what He asked. Instead I have gripped tighter, attempted to control my circumstances to a greater degree, and practically “get over” my anxious thoughts. I have not fallen flat on my face in utter desperation to petition God for a miracle. I felt like if medication and therapy did not work, then I needed to just accept this as part of who I am. Friends, if you hear nothing else, please hear this: God does not intend for us to live our lives bound by fear! You probably aren’t as sinful as me. Seriously. Your fears may be nowhere as intense as mine, but He wants us all to trust Him even in the “little things.” Two nights ago I was cooking dinner, and I felt the presence of God so strongly. I don’t want to get all weird on you, but I literally felt anxiety and fear lift off of me. Gone. Eradicated. I wanted to put down the wooden spoon I was stirring the pasta with and drive somewhere, alone, just because I knew I could! Micah and the kids were in the kitchen too and I was so struck by God’s presence that I was completely oblivious to anything else going on. I was brought to my knees. Thankful. So, so thankful that He was doing a work on my heart. I am very aware that this is not something I deserve.
The world is SO MUCH BIGGER than just me and my little circumstances. I look back on times in my life when I was devastated--and believe me, there have been plenty of times—and am appalled by my reactions. How in the world could I actually be angry with the very One who created me? Who died on a cross, so that I could be set free from the bondage I live in? Did you hear that? Jesus died, NAILED TO A CROSS so that I could be set free from my anxiety. Continuing to choose to live a life of bondage is discrediting the ultimate sacrifice God made. That is very, very, humbling.
So what is the secret to this unmerited peace? Genuine thankfulness. A heart of gratitude. I am humbled that God cares enough about my character to allow trials to come in order that my faith may grow. I am clearly in need of greater refinement and sanctification in my life. If difficulties never presented themselves, how would I have a chance to grow? To trust? To submit to the One who sees the big picture?
I don’t anticipate feeling joy on Monday as I say goodbye to the baby I wanted to keep forever. I can hear her cooing and babbling as I type this blog entry, and my heart is broken over the fact that those adorable baby sounds will not wake me up next week at this time. My faith is being stretched to a level that is quite uncomfortable, yet I have such peace.
Our
salvation is enough. If God did NOTHING
else for us, NOTHING else, we are still blessed!!! Do you realize what we deserve? It is not what we have been given! Every time I fall short, every time I fail to
acknowledge His grace in my life, every time I ignore Him and go my own way, I
do not deserve that grace that He gives!
Repentance is such a gift.
May I live
every day I have on this earth choosing to live set free. Choosing peace. Choosing to trust God for the
grace I need to make it through each day.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Trust
This morning I woke up bright and early and opened my devotional. This is what it said:
When things seem to be going all wrong, stop and affirm your trust in Me. Calmly bring these matters to Me, and leave them in My capable hands. Then, simply do the next thing. Stay in touch with Me through thankful, trusting prayers, resting in My sovereign control. Rejoice in Me--exult in the God of your salvation! As you trust in Me, I make your feet like the feet of a deer. I enable you to walk and make progress upon your high places of trouble, suffering, or responsibility.
When things seem to be going all wrong, stop and affirm your trust in Me. Calmly bring these matters to Me, and leave them in My capable hands. Then, simply do the next thing. Stay in touch with Me through thankful, trusting prayers, resting in My sovereign control. Rejoice in Me--exult in the God of your salvation! As you trust in Me, I make your feet like the feet of a deer. I enable you to walk and make progress upon your high places of trouble, suffering, or responsibility.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Not My Idea of Vacation
For the past few months, we have been anticipating a wonderful summer vacation. Our agenda included spending 10 days in the glorious sunshine in Sunriver, Oregon....playing at the pool, riding bikes with the kids, taking morning trips to the bakery, nightly trips to the ice cream shop, and lots of relaxing. In June we sent an email to our social worker asking for an out-of-state travel authorization for baby girl. When asking for a court order, they normally only need you to give them two weeks’ notice, but we wanted to make sure we were prepared well in advance.
Two days before our trip our social worker informed us that he was having a hard time getting the court order and that we needed to be patient while he worked to get it for us. Much to our frustration, receiving the authorization we needed took WAY longer than usual and we had to start our vacation 2 days late…..
We arrived at our vacation spot on Friday evening, unpacked the car, put away our groceries, and watched the Olympics before calling it a night. We went to bed tired, but anticipated waking up to a week of nothing but fun, fun, fun! Unfortunately I didn’t sleep well and was up earlier than planned. I checked our email and was shocked to see a message from our social worker letting us know that baby girl will be leaving us the day after we return home from vacation. Wait, what?! I’m sorry, did I read that right? Are you serious? The baby girl we’ve been moving towards guardianship of….THAT baby girl? She is leaving? Um, I think I’m just going to stay on vacation for the rest of my life and pretend I never read that email. If I delete it, then it never really existed in the first place, right?
Micah was gone on an early morning bike ride and I struggled to maintain composure in front of the kids. But here’s the crazy thing! As much as my heart was breaking, I felt SUCH PEACE. My normal reaction in crisis usually goes something like this: shock, fear, tears, call a close friend, let my mind wander to all the terrible “what ifs,” cry a little more, think, “oh! I should probably pray!” Pray. Yes, you read that chronology correct. But this time was different. My reaction was: shock, peace, pray, surrender, more peace. It was crazy. I don’t know why my response was different this time, but it was. And I am holding on to that peace for dear life. My heart is so full for this 6 month old sweetie we had the honor of bringing home from the hospital. I love her. SO. MUCH. I love her like I birthed her. Like I anticipated her arrival for 9 months. Like there is no other baby in the world as precious as her. I know that may seem difficult to understand, but it is absolutely impossible for me to care for a baby without pouring my whole heart into that child. Micah and I believe that God’s desire is for us to be vessels of His love to the children He brings into our home. That means giving ourselves to them. Whole heartedly. No holding back. No self-protection. No “what ifs.” That is what we’ve done with Ariana—woken up each morning and loved her that day. And the next day. And the day after that.
We opted not to tell the kids until we get home because really? Why ruin their vacation? They love this peanut as much as we do and no one likes to be the bearer of sad news to their kids. Especially on vacation. We played in the pool yesterday and relaxed at our condo for a bit before heading into Bend for dinner. We went to our favorite dining spot (10 points for the first person to comment where that is! Haha) and enjoyed a yummy dinner. As we were getting ready to leave, a gentlemen I had seen a few tables away got up from his meal and came over to us. He said, “I am here with my family celebrating my 63rd birthday and I just had to come over here and tell you how well behaved your children are! I am so impressed! And this little cutie here (as he put his hand on baby girl’s head), my wife and I would adopt her if we could!” After I almost spit water out of my mouth in response to his “well behaved” comment, I instead said, “Thank you! We’d like to adopt her too if we could.”
I left it at that. No explanation that she is a foster child. No sob story about the news we’d been handed first thing that morning. He looked right into my eyes and as he left his hand on her head he said, “I don’t know if you know this or not, but there is a verse in the Bible: Jeremiah 29:11. It says: ‘For I know the plans I have for Ariana,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Plans for a hope and a future for Ariana.’ “ I almost collapsed right there in the middle of the restaurant. I was speechless (which for those of you who know me well, know that is a rare occasion).
I, of course, know that verse well. If you were to scroll back to a blog post I wrote a couple of years ago, you would see that that very verse was the one God used to promise redemption to me after relinquishing my son for adoption. He spoke it to me 13 years ago. And He spoke it again to me last night.
I fumbled my way out of the restaurant through tears and replayed the interaction with the man in the restaurant repeatedly on the car ride home. God DOES have a plan for Ariana. He IS protecting her. He knows our desire to keep her forever and who am I to think that MY plans are better than His? This whole thing isn’t about us anyway. I’ve said it before and I will say it again until I live and breathe it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: This is God’s story. He is allowing us to be a part of HIS plan. Not vice versa. This is not our plans with a little of God’s “tossed in.” The only thing we are called to do is love the children that are in our home TODAY. Not to worry about tomorrow. Not to wander off track into “what if land.” As long as we keep our eyes fixed on the One who is holding us all in His hands, then there is no need to fear.
As we spend the rest of our vacation enjoying each moment we have with our little peanut, we are continuing to pray that God’s will would be done in her life, (as well as all of our lives) and that He will protect her from harm. Our hearts’ desire, of course, is that He will make a way for her to stay with us forever.
One final thing I want to share with you: When we started the foster care journey, God gave us this verse as our family motto, and once again, I wrote about this in my very first blog post about beginning foster care: James 1:27- “Pure and lasting religion is this, to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to refuse to let the world corrupt you.” I texted a dear friend yesterday morning to let her know what was going on with the baby, and she wrote me back an encouraging message with that verse included. She reminded me that loving Ariana is what God has called us to do, and we will continue to do just that.
We arrived at our vacation spot on Friday evening, unpacked the car, put away our groceries, and watched the Olympics before calling it a night. We went to bed tired, but anticipated waking up to a week of nothing but fun, fun, fun! Unfortunately I didn’t sleep well and was up earlier than planned. I checked our email and was shocked to see a message from our social worker letting us know that baby girl will be leaving us the day after we return home from vacation. Wait, what?! I’m sorry, did I read that right? Are you serious? The baby girl we’ve been moving towards guardianship of….THAT baby girl? She is leaving? Um, I think I’m just going to stay on vacation for the rest of my life and pretend I never read that email. If I delete it, then it never really existed in the first place, right?
Micah was gone on an early morning bike ride and I struggled to maintain composure in front of the kids. But here’s the crazy thing! As much as my heart was breaking, I felt SUCH PEACE. My normal reaction in crisis usually goes something like this: shock, fear, tears, call a close friend, let my mind wander to all the terrible “what ifs,” cry a little more, think, “oh! I should probably pray!” Pray. Yes, you read that chronology correct. But this time was different. My reaction was: shock, peace, pray, surrender, more peace. It was crazy. I don’t know why my response was different this time, but it was. And I am holding on to that peace for dear life. My heart is so full for this 6 month old sweetie we had the honor of bringing home from the hospital. I love her. SO. MUCH. I love her like I birthed her. Like I anticipated her arrival for 9 months. Like there is no other baby in the world as precious as her. I know that may seem difficult to understand, but it is absolutely impossible for me to care for a baby without pouring my whole heart into that child. Micah and I believe that God’s desire is for us to be vessels of His love to the children He brings into our home. That means giving ourselves to them. Whole heartedly. No holding back. No self-protection. No “what ifs.” That is what we’ve done with Ariana—woken up each morning and loved her that day. And the next day. And the day after that.
We opted not to tell the kids until we get home because really? Why ruin their vacation? They love this peanut as much as we do and no one likes to be the bearer of sad news to their kids. Especially on vacation. We played in the pool yesterday and relaxed at our condo for a bit before heading into Bend for dinner. We went to our favorite dining spot (10 points for the first person to comment where that is! Haha) and enjoyed a yummy dinner. As we were getting ready to leave, a gentlemen I had seen a few tables away got up from his meal and came over to us. He said, “I am here with my family celebrating my 63rd birthday and I just had to come over here and tell you how well behaved your children are! I am so impressed! And this little cutie here (as he put his hand on baby girl’s head), my wife and I would adopt her if we could!” After I almost spit water out of my mouth in response to his “well behaved” comment, I instead said, “Thank you! We’d like to adopt her too if we could.”
I left it at that. No explanation that she is a foster child. No sob story about the news we’d been handed first thing that morning. He looked right into my eyes and as he left his hand on her head he said, “I don’t know if you know this or not, but there is a verse in the Bible: Jeremiah 29:11. It says: ‘For I know the plans I have for Ariana,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Plans for a hope and a future for Ariana.’ “ I almost collapsed right there in the middle of the restaurant. I was speechless (which for those of you who know me well, know that is a rare occasion).
I, of course, know that verse well. If you were to scroll back to a blog post I wrote a couple of years ago, you would see that that very verse was the one God used to promise redemption to me after relinquishing my son for adoption. He spoke it to me 13 years ago. And He spoke it again to me last night.
I fumbled my way out of the restaurant through tears and replayed the interaction with the man in the restaurant repeatedly on the car ride home. God DOES have a plan for Ariana. He IS protecting her. He knows our desire to keep her forever and who am I to think that MY plans are better than His? This whole thing isn’t about us anyway. I’ve said it before and I will say it again until I live and breathe it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: This is God’s story. He is allowing us to be a part of HIS plan. Not vice versa. This is not our plans with a little of God’s “tossed in.” The only thing we are called to do is love the children that are in our home TODAY. Not to worry about tomorrow. Not to wander off track into “what if land.” As long as we keep our eyes fixed on the One who is holding us all in His hands, then there is no need to fear.
As we spend the rest of our vacation enjoying each moment we have with our little peanut, we are continuing to pray that God’s will would be done in her life, (as well as all of our lives) and that He will protect her from harm. Our hearts’ desire, of course, is that He will make a way for her to stay with us forever.
One final thing I want to share with you: When we started the foster care journey, God gave us this verse as our family motto, and once again, I wrote about this in my very first blog post about beginning foster care: James 1:27- “Pure and lasting religion is this, to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to refuse to let the world corrupt you.” I texted a dear friend yesterday morning to let her know what was going on with the baby, and she wrote me back an encouraging message with that verse included. She reminded me that loving Ariana is what God has called us to do, and we will continue to do just that.
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