Bonding

It's been 3 weeks since a little wispy haired, blue eyed, adorable little boy walked through our door into his forever home.  Although I was ecstatic for him to become a part of our family, I had one significant apprehension.

Bonding.

Before foster care, I hadn't really put much thought into that word.  Bonding with my biological children was instant.  The bonds were strong.  They grew even greater over time.  It was completely natural  and took zero effort.  The concept of a child having difficulty "attaching" was nowhere in my frame of reference.

And then we got our first foster placement: a strong-willed, 2-year-old who was broken.  Very, very broken.

The bond was not immediate.  I did not have a warm, fuzzy feeling like "all was right in my world."  But I wanted to feel SOMETHING!  After all, this child had experienced a significant amount of neglect and loss in such a short little life that surely my heart should feel SOMETHING!  Compassion, sympathy, love?  After all, I had been pouring out my heart to God for YEARS over orphans!  I was THRILLED that our journey down this path was finally beginning, so why am I not feeling it?  And after a couple of weeks it hit me:

Surrender.

I was trying to make it feel the same as I felt for my other kids.  I expected that when a child walked through our door the bond would be instant and our love would be enough to heal every wound and we would all live happily ever after.

Funny, God doesn't always work the way we think He will.  In fact, He made it very clear to us in the beginning that this was His story, and we were along to be His hands and feet.  I can see in hindsight that had it worked out the way I envisioned it, I never would have realized my absolute need for Him.   I wouldn't have been desperate.  I would not have cried out to Him for help.  And I never would have seen the beautiful story that arose from the ashes of that first child to enter our home.  And oh, it's a beautiful story.  It's Elliana's story.  A story of surrender.  Of healing.  Of a blossoming 5 year old girl that I love and would die for.  It's the story of my daughter.

We have had 7 other babies in the last 2 1/2 years, and I gave my heart to each and every one of them. But they were just that: babies.  It is easy to love and bond with a tiny, helpless baby that depends on you to meet their needs.   But a toddler?  That could be different.

I knew God would meet me where I was at.  I knew He had asked us to open our home to this precious little boy, but I was afraid.  Scared.   Terrified, to be completely honest with you.  What if he didn't bond with us?  What if he was was too broken and rejected our attempts to love him?  Lord, please.  I can't do this again.  I just can't.  It is exhausting.  It is humbling.  It is heartbreaking.  It is frustrating.  I cannot question, once again, my very integrity.  I HAVE to know that he will bond with us.  That we will bond with him.  And that it won't be such a battle.  Please, Lord, I beg you.

He gave me no promises.  No assurance that it wouldn't be a struggle.  No vision of "happily ever after."  But He continued to remind me over and over that we were welcoming "the least of these" and that our love for this little boy was actually His love for this little boy.

I surrendered.  Again.  :)  THAT, I could live with.

It's been an interesting 3 weeks.  Unfortunately he has been quite sick, and thanks to an incredible pediatrician who wanted us to schedule a hearing test for him, we discovered that he has hearing loss in both ears.  :(  They are doing a medical procedure next week under anesthesia to see if that helps, and then we'll move forward with speech therapy from there.  He has very few words which we think is related to the hearing loss.  But boy, does he have quite the personality!  ;)  He runs around with the other kids, eats like a horse, pushes his trucks around, tries to be a helper, and sleeps like a champ!  (And bites the baby and gets into the dogfood and tries to climb on top of the fridge and screams louder than anything you can imagine, but who's keeping track?)

I said to Micah a couple of nights ago, "It's happening."  He kind of cocked his head and said, "What is happening?"  I said, "I am already noticing a strong bond with him."  When I put him to bed last night and rubbed his little head, I realized afterwards that I said, "I love you sweet boy!  Have a good sleep." And I meant it.  :)   I am sure that bond will continue to grow, but I went to sleep last night thanking God that something on this journey has been easy.

I am so, so grateful for God's grace.  Just a couple of months ago I was really questioning God's goodness to me.  I mean REALLY questioning it.  That's not a great thing to type, and as much as I'd like to deny it, it's the truth.  :(  A friend and I were talking recently about how God can come through and show Himself to us in such amazing ways, but how quickly we forget!  How quickly do our circumstances become our gauge of His faithfulness in our lives!   This should not be the way we live. As much as challenging circumstances should not define His faithfulness to us, easy circumstances should not define His blessing over us!  God is good.  God is faithful.  End. Of. Story.

Party of FIVE!

I finally have big kids at school and little kids napping.....so I can blog the story of how our family just grew again!  :)  

Last December, the same day Elliana's adoption was final, we said goodbye to the baby boy we'd had for the last year.  Little Manny returned home to his mama, and we were blessed when she asked us to be his Godparents.  It was nice to have some time to grow and bond as a new family of 5, and within a couple of months, we were ready to add a baby again.  We technically had 2 openings and thought FOR SURE we would get a call for a sibling group!  Kids almost always come into care in at least pairs, but we were only willing to take a group if both children were 2 or younger.  In early March we got the phone call for the sweet baby girl we have now, and we are hoping to move toward guardianship of her soon.

But someone was still missing.

I couldn't shake the fact that we were missing a little boy.  Caleb prayed many times for a brother, and we DID get multiple calls for potential adoptive placements, but they were all infant boys.  And handling 2 potentially special needs babies simultaneously is, well, not in my skills list.  ;)  So we continued to wait.  And we continued to get calls for babies.  And we continued to say no.  

Labor day weekend, we got a call for what we thought was a 7 month old boy who was available for adoption.  Our social worker was very enthusiastic, told us he had no developmental concerns and no drug exposure.  Though that sounded positive, STILL, he was 7 months old!  How could we do that?!  I told her I would talk to Micah and call her back.  I talked to Micah, and we both agreed it was a no.  But before I had a chance to call our social worker back, the Adoption Supervisor called me to say they had been mistaken, and that he was a YEAR and 7 months old!  "Oh!  That changes things."  :)  We said we would talk (pray) about it overnight and get back to her the next day.  

That night while laying in bed, I was too excited to sleep.  I asked God for direction and He led me to Mark 2.  The passage was titled "The calling of Matthew (Levi)."  It talks about Matthew being a tax collector and Jesus comes along and tells him to get up and follow Him and Matthew becomes one of His disciples.  The next morning when I called the social worker back, I realized I hadn't asked his name.  Her answer?  "Matthew."    I got chills!  Also, 2 years ago this month I was blogging my heart out over losing the very first foster baby we had.  Do you remember what HIS name was?  Matthew!  Talk about a God of redemption!!!

We agreed to move forward and set up a visit to meet him and ask questions.  

The initial visit went great and we kept him overnight the next weekend.  It was an obvious match from the start!  Micah and I prayed about it both individually and as a couple, and the answer was clear:  this was our son.  We asked the social worker what kind of transition would occur between us and his current placement.  Normally we would be looking at anywhere from a 4 to 8 week transition.  Her answer?  "How about you take him full time starting next weekend?"  "Um, sure!"  So last Friday, his very sweet, older foster mom brought him to us, his forever home.   She is a very kind lady and we are excited that she still wants to play a "grandma" role to this sweet little guy.

We are THRILLED.  Elated.  Overjoyed.  Blessed.  Ecstatic.  Shocked!  

The adoption process will still take 6 months to be complete.  In our state, a child has to be in your home for 6 months before an adoption can be finalized.  We are fine with that.  :)  We're just excited he is here!!  :)

And can you believe I have not taken ONE photo of him with my camera?!  I've taken a couple on my Ipad, but that's it.  Let's just say that life as a mom of 5 kids is BUSY.  :)  

Stay tuned for updates!

Breaking Free

It's been 3 weeks since my last post and A LOT has changed in those 3 weeks!  First, baby girl is still with us, and she won't be leaving us anytime soon.  Though our foster/adopt journey has obviously had unpredictable twists and turns, she is here for now and we are thrilled to be her Mommy and Daddy for even one more day.  That is another blog post for another time....but for now.....

I know you are probably wondering if my anxiety is still, in fact, gone.  Guess what?  It is!!!  :)  This is the craziest thing!  Really, you will probably all think I've fallen off the deep end and lost my mind, but but I have been so busy enjoying my newfound freedom that I haven't made time to blog.  ;)

I wish I had adequate words to paint a picture for you of the depth of anxiety I lived in.  Saying it was awful, impairing, tormenting, or even crippling, is not a severe enough description of the prison I lived in.

I had an opportunity to share my story at church a couple of weeks ago!  You can see it here:


http://www.cccog.com/#/media 

(Then click on 8/19/12, "The Resurrection." My part starts around the 26 minute mark, but it's a great sermon if you want to listen to the whole thing!  ;)




Though anxiety has been a lifelong affliction, it's intensity grew to a point of being debilitating only in the past few years.   Simple tasks like going to get groceries or running to the bank were anxiety provoking.  Events that others would view as fun, like taking a day trip to the beach, was stretching and not enjoyable.  Being away from the kids for more than a night was out of the question.

BUT PRAISE THE LORD, I HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!!  Set. Free.  And believe me, I cannot tell you how undeserved this is.  Seriously!!  There is NOTHING I did to deserve this freedom.  I have a nice long list of reasons why I do NOT deserve it!

I said "no" when God asked me to trust Him!  When He asked me to run to Him for peace, I instead kept my mind busy with things like housecleaning or chatting with a friend or reading blogs so I didn't have to face the reality of my shrinking world.  It took me over 5 years to see a even see a counselor because I was too afraid to ask for help and felt like a "good Christian" should just stop being anxious and move forward.

I absolutely CANNOT believe I lived like that for a good 12+ years!  And above all else, I can't believe I reached a point where I actually "made peace" with the fact that anxiety would just be a permanent part of my life.  PSH!  How in the world can you "make peace" with anxiety?!

Today I packed up the kids and drove up to Olympia to take them school clothes shopping.  I GOT ON THE FREEWAY AND DROVE THERE!  With NO anxiety.  Zilch.  None.  Not a second thought.  I drove there like I'd done it a million times.  I didn't have a panic attack.  I didn't wonder if I was going to have a heart attack and die and crash my car.  I didn't take my pulse a thousand times (or even once!). I didn't feel like my throat was swelling shut.  It was the most freeing feeling!  (Girlfriends, who wants to take a trip to Hawaii with me?!  OK, nevermind, if I'm going to take a trip with someone it should probably be Micah since we spent our honeymoon in Oregon instead of Europe like we had hoped because it was the only place acceptable we could drive to.)

I know this may seem silly to someone who has never dealt with anxiety before, but this has been the reality of my life and I hope you've learned by now that I do not pretty things up before I barf them onto the pages of my blog.  This is real life.  My life.  And my hope is that it will somehow, in some way,  encourage someone else in their struggle.

Anywho, I'm off to get some sleep.  Did I mention my insomnia is gone too?  I honestly did not think there was a correlation between the two but I have slept like a rock for the past 3 weeks!  :)

Nighty, night!  :)

The goodness of God

This has been an amazing vacation. Not because of the beautiful surrounding mountain scenery, the pink painted sunset we watched line the sky, the family bike rides we've taken through nature, or the repeated trips to the pool watching our four little ones play for hours. Yes, these things have brought me joy, but they are miniscule in comparison to the unseen work God is doing on my heart.


I have been struck repeatedly on this trip by the basic goodness of God. His hand of protection over my family. His mercy. His grace. His undeserved forgiveness for my lack of faith in Ariana’s life. I have been reminded multiple times over the past few days that God is just plain good. My circumstances do not change His goodness. My broken heart does not change His goodness. My fears, insecurities, doubts and unbelief do not change His goodness. See, God IS good. He doesn't "act" good or "allow" good things to happen. His very character IS goodness, and that will never change.


I have struggled for years with fear. Counseling, medication, different forms of therapy, positive self talk, breathing techniques, and numerous self help books have all been attempted to quell the anxiety that has been present every day of my life for at least the past 15 years. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have been unable to drive on the freeway for several years now. I've missed out on women's retreats, fun weekends away with girlfriends, playdates with friends from out of town and many other events as a result of the fear that has plagued me. I desperately wanted to take an out-of-country trip with Micah to celebrate our 10th anniversary this spring but settled for one night alone in our own house while my parents kept the kids at their house a few blocks away. I have been unable to even run up to Olympia to do errands by myself. Instead I have dragged my husband and 4 kids along for the ride because something as simple as driving 20 minutes to Costco alone was not an option.  


Last fall I had multiple blood tests done, urine tests, a chest x-ray, an ultrasound of my heart and abdomen, thyroid tests, a gallbladder function procedure, and an endoscopy and biopsy under sedation of my stomach. All these procedures were done to discover why I was constantly having digestive issues, stomach pain, shakiness, weakness, dizziness, and fatigue.  Final diagnosis?  Other than a small ulcer that was corrected with an over-the-counter medication in about 6 weeks, NOTHING.  No blood chemistry was off.  My vital organs were all healthy and functioning exactly how they were created to.   My thyroid was normal.  No gallstones.  Normal pee. No signs of cancer or serious disease anywhere in my body.  Ironically, within days of completing the tests and being given the “all clear,” my symptoms dissipated.  Completely.  Can you say, “anxiety?”


I have felt God speaking to me for quite a while regarding this issue.  He has asked me to trust Him.  To give up control (which technically is just the impression of control as we don’t really ‘control’ our lives anyway).  To spend more time seeking HIS desire for my life in regards to living a life bound by fear.  And I have not done what He asked.  Instead I have gripped tighter, attempted to control my circumstances to a greater degree, and practically “get over” my anxious thoughts.  I have not fallen flat on my face in utter desperation to petition God for a miracle.  I felt like if medication and therapy did not work, then I needed to just accept this as part of who I am.  Friends, if you hear nothing else, please hear this: God does not intend for us to live our lives bound by fear!  You probably aren’t as sinful as me.  Seriously. Your fears may be nowhere as intense as mine, but He wants us all to trust Him even in the “little things.”  Two nights ago I was cooking dinner, and I felt the presence of God so strongly.  I don’t want to get all weird on you, but I literally felt anxiety and fear lift off of me.  Gone.  Eradicated.  I wanted to put down the wooden spoon I was stirring the pasta with and drive somewhere, alone, just because I knew I could!  Micah and the kids were in the kitchen too and I was so struck by God’s presence that I was completely oblivious to anything else going on.  I was brought to my knees.  Thankful.  So, so thankful that He was doing a work on my heart.  I am very aware that this is not something I deserve.


The world is SO MUCH BIGGER than just me and my little circumstances.  I look back on times in my life when I was devastated--and believe me, there have been plenty of times—and am appalled by my reactions.  How in the world could I actually be angry with the very One who created me?  Who died on a cross, so that I could be set free from the bondage I live in?  Did you hear that?  Jesus died, NAILED TO A CROSS so that I could be set free from my anxiety.  Continuing to choose to live a life of bondage is discrediting the ultimate sacrifice God made.  That is very, very, humbling.


So what is the secret to this unmerited peace? Genuine thankfulness. A heart of gratitude. I am humbled that God cares enough about my character to allow trials to come in order that my faith may grow. I am clearly in need of greater refinement and sanctification in my life. If difficulties never presented themselves, how would I have a chance to grow? To trust? To submit to the One who sees the big picture?


I don’t anticipate feeling joy on Monday as I say goodbye to the baby I wanted to keep forever.  I can hear her cooing and babbling as I type this blog entry, and my heart is broken over the fact that those adorable baby sounds will not wake me up next week at this time.  My faith is being stretched to a level that is quite uncomfortable, yet I have such peace.

Our salvation is enough.  If God did NOTHING else for us, NOTHING else, we are still blessed!!!  Do you realize what we deserve?  It is not what we have been given!  Every time I fall short, every time I fail to acknowledge His grace in my life, every time I ignore Him and go my own way, I do not deserve that grace that He gives!  Repentance is such a gift.

May I live every day I have on this earth choosing to live set free.  Choosing peace. Choosing to trust God for the grace I need to make it through each day. 

Trust

This morning I woke up bright and early and opened my devotional.  This is what it said:

When things seem to be going all wrong, stop and affirm your trust in Me. Calmly bring these matters to Me, and leave them in My capable hands.  Then, simply do the next thing.  Stay in touch with Me through thankful, trusting prayers, resting in My sovereign control.  Rejoice in Me--exult in the God of your salvation! As you trust in Me, I make your feet like the feet of a deer.  I enable you to walk and make progress upon your high places of trouble, suffering, or responsibility.

Not My Idea of Vacation

For the past few months, we have been anticipating a wonderful summer vacation. Our agenda included spending 10 days in the glorious sunshine in Sunriver, Oregon....playing at the pool, riding bikes with the kids, taking morning trips to the bakery, nightly trips to the ice cream shop, and lots of relaxing. In June we sent an email to our social worker asking for an out-of-state travel authorization for baby girl. When asking for a court order, they normally only need you to give them two weeks’ notice, but we wanted to make sure we were prepared well in advance. Two days before our trip our social worker informed us that he was having a hard time getting the court order and that we needed to be patient while he worked to get it for us. Much to our frustration, receiving the authorization we needed took WAY longer than usual and we had to start our vacation 2 days late…..

We arrived at our vacation spot on Friday evening, unpacked the car, put away our groceries, and watched the Olympics before calling it a night. We went to bed tired, but anticipated waking up to a week of nothing but fun, fun, fun! Unfortunately I didn’t sleep well and was up earlier than planned. I checked our email and was shocked to see a message from our social worker letting us know that baby girl will be leaving us the day after we return home from vacation. Wait, what?! I’m sorry, did I read that right? Are you serious? The baby girl we’ve been moving towards guardianship of….THAT baby girl? She is leaving? Um, I think I’m just going to stay on vacation for the rest of my life and pretend I never read that email. If I delete it, then it never really existed in the first place, right?

 Micah was gone on an early morning bike ride and I struggled to maintain composure in front of the kids. But here’s the crazy thing! As much as my heart was breaking, I felt SUCH PEACE. My normal reaction in crisis usually goes something like this: shock, fear, tears, call a close friend, let my mind wander to all the terrible “what ifs,” cry a little more, think, “oh! I should probably pray!” Pray. Yes, you read that chronology correct. But this time was different. My reaction was: shock, peace, pray, surrender, more peace. It was crazy. I don’t know why my response was different this time, but it was. And I am holding on to that peace for dear life. My heart is so full for this 6 month old sweetie we had the honor of bringing home from the hospital. I love her. SO. MUCH. I love her like I birthed her. Like I anticipated her arrival for 9 months. Like there is no other baby in the world as precious as her. I know that may seem difficult to understand, but it is absolutely impossible for me to care for a baby without pouring my whole heart into that child. Micah and I believe that God’s desire is for us to be vessels of His love to the children He brings into our home. That means giving ourselves to them. Whole heartedly. No holding back. No self-protection. No “what ifs.” That is what we’ve done with Ariana—woken up each morning and loved her that day. And the next day. And the day after that.

We opted not to tell the kids until we get home because really? Why ruin their vacation? They love this peanut as much as we do and no one likes to be the bearer of sad news to their kids. Especially on vacation. We played in the pool yesterday and relaxed at our condo for a bit before heading into Bend for dinner. We went to our favorite dining spot (10 points for the first person to comment where that is! Haha) and enjoyed a yummy dinner. As we were getting ready to leave, a gentlemen I had seen a few tables away got up from his meal and came over to us. He said, “I am here with my family celebrating my 63rd birthday and I just had to come over here and tell you how well behaved your children are! I am so impressed! And this little cutie here (as he put his hand on baby girl’s head), my wife and I would adopt her if we could!” After I almost spit water out of my mouth in response to his “well behaved” comment, I instead said, “Thank you! We’d like to adopt her too if we could.”
I left it at that. No explanation that she is a foster child. No sob story about the news we’d been handed first thing that morning. He looked right into my eyes and as he left his hand on her head he said, “I don’t know if you know this or not, but there is a verse in the Bible: Jeremiah 29:11. It says: ‘For I know the plans I have for Ariana,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Plans for a hope and a future for Ariana.’ “ I almost collapsed right there in the middle of the restaurant. I was speechless (which for those of you who know me well, know that is a rare occasion).

 I, of course, know that verse well. If you were to scroll back to a blog post I wrote a couple of years ago, you would see that that very verse was the one God used to promise redemption to me after relinquishing my son for adoption. He spoke it to me 13 years ago. And He spoke it again to me last night.

 I fumbled my way out of the restaurant through tears and replayed the interaction with the man in the restaurant repeatedly on the car ride home. God DOES have a plan for Ariana. He IS protecting her. He knows our desire to keep her forever and who am I to think that MY plans are better than His? This whole thing isn’t about us anyway. I’ve said it before and I will say it again until I live and breathe it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: This is God’s story. He is allowing us to be a part of HIS plan. Not vice versa. This is not our plans with a little of God’s “tossed in.” The only thing we are called to do is love the children that are in our home TODAY. Not to worry about tomorrow. Not to wander off track into “what if land.” As long as we keep our eyes fixed on the One who is holding us all in His hands, then there is no need to fear.

 As we spend the rest of our vacation enjoying each moment we have with our little peanut, we are continuing to pray that God’s will would be done in her life, (as well as all of our lives) and that He will protect her from harm. Our hearts’ desire, of course, is that He will make a way for her to stay with us forever.

 One final thing I want to share with you: When we started the foster care journey, God gave us this verse as our family motto, and once again, I wrote about this in my very first blog post about beginning foster care: James 1:27- “Pure and lasting religion is this, to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to refuse to let the world corrupt you.” I texted a dear friend yesterday morning to let her know what was going on with the baby, and she wrote me back an encouraging message with that verse included. She reminded me that loving Ariana is what God has called us to do, and we will continue to do just that.

Relinquishment

Are there ever times in your life where you seem to come head to head with the SAME issue over and over again? Lately I've been wrestling with the issue of relinquishment....and in case you are wondering, that is a pretty way of saying control. Doesn't that sound nice? "I am really having a hard time relinquishing my circumstances to God." So much better than the ugly truth, which really is: "Actually I don't trust that God knows what He is doing in my life so I have decided to take as much control as I can over my circumstances, just to be safe." Not real cute now, is it? Now that we have that out on the table, it's time to play a little catch up on my lack of blogging for the past 6 months. :)

As I'm sure many of you know, we had the honor of adopting a precious little 4-year-old girl in December. I could blog numerous posts on the subject of Ellie's adoption, but the basics for now are: A. We love her dearly. B. Our biological kids love her and think of her as their biological sister. C. We are thrilled to be called Mommy and Daddy every day by this sweet gift from God. D. Having Ellie in our home has challenged us and stretched us in many, many ways. We have faced numerous circumstances and situations with her that have required absolute flat-on-our-faces desperation for wisdom that can only come from God Himself. We have had to throw out our agenda and plan to "fix" the brokenness. We have had to ultimately rely on God and trust that He knows what is best for Ellie. And believe me when I say we are praying for Him to reveal that plan to us, that we may be instruments of healing to her broken spirit. Relinquishment.

Within 12 hours of Ellie's adoption, Baby "M" who had been with us for the last 10 months returned home to his Mama. Although we felt good about where he was going, it was still difficult to see him leave. We decided not to take in any foster children through the holiday season, and it was a nice time to really bond as an "official" family of 5. We were blessed to spend Christmas in Sunriver, Oregon with my parents, sister, her husband, and little boy. :) The cousins had a great time making a ginerbread house, decorating the tree, playing games, watching movies, doing puzzles, and just spending time together. Christmas 2011 was a special one for us, marked by wonderful memories and a new beginning.

After the 1st of the year, we agreed to let DSHS know we were open to new placements. Our specific request was for a baby, or a sibling group that included a baby...and of course, we would love to have a child (or children) with adoption potential. After waiting for all of January and February with NO phone calls, I began to grow impatient. As much as I firmly believe that God hand picks each child that enters our home, even if for a day, my heart ached for the precious little one(s) that had yet to join us. I tried to envision who those kids were, where they were, how old they were, what their living situation currently looked like.....etc, etc, etc. See, I'm one of those people who wants to know how it is all going to work out in the end. I want to see the big picture. The end result. I want to know if I am going to be celebrating an adoption, or crying myself to sleep because that child returns home. But here's the deal! Knowing how it is "all going to work out in the end" doesn't give us the opportunity to trust God through the process! It doesn't require faith. It doesn't require relinquishment. It doesn't require submitting to HIS will for my life. And let's be real here: MY plan for my life has taken me nowhere fast. Down a slippery slope, into the pit of despair, finally realizing for the umpteenth time that my idea was not, in fact, a good idea.

I surrender.

March 2nd: we received a phone call from a social worker in Seattle asking if we were willing to take a precious newborn girl "temporarily" (most overused and delusive word by every social worker from DSHS, btw) while they looked for a placement closer to her home. "Um, OF COURSE!" SO, Monday morning we drove to Seattle to pick up this precious little bundle from the hospital and I was instantly in love. Like head-over-heels, completely smitten, unable to talk because I was so choked up-in love. I felt like I was seeing my own baby for the first time. This, my friends, is what I call THE DANGER ZONE. Falling in love with a baby that is not your own flesh and blood brings a plethora of risks. The risk of losing her in the end, the risk of losing her somewhere along the way, the risk of losing her at the beginning, the risk of becoming so jaded that we decide not to take in other children.

After having this little bundle of sweetness here for 2 weeks now, we have learned her story and some information that has caused us to take a step back and truly examine our hearts. Here is the deal: this baby girl will never be available for adoption. Never. Not now, not in 5 years, not in 15 years. I can't give the details so I will just have to call it "special circumstances." Most children that come through DSHS are required by law to have a permanent plan within one year of placement. That plan can be either adoption or return home, but that plan must be implemented within the first year to 18 months at the most from the time that child enters foster care. Unfortunately for us, the law says that this baby girl will never have a plan that is truly permanent. I guess that irrevocable is probably a better word than permanent. But if we are going to keep her in our home, we have to relinquish the hope that she will ever bear our last name...that she will ever be officially adopted through the court system...that we will ever have the security of knowing that she can never be taken from us. We have to surrender to the fact that God has numbered her days in our family, whether that be 15 days or the rest of her life. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: this is not a place I want to be. I WANT the security. I WANT the permanency. I WANT to know that 10 years from now when we are minding our own business and just living our lives with her that some random relative can't just show up out of the woodwork and decide they want her, taking her from our arms without the opportunity to ever see her again.

But that is not going to happen. Unfortunately, because of "special" circumstances, we will never be given that assurance.

God has asked us to commit to her for as long as we have the privilege of keeping her, and this is not a stretch for me. I love this package of cuteness as much as I loved Caleb and Caitlyn at her age. I love how her little legs stay curled up when I pick her up and put her on my shoulder. I love the little grunts and noises she makes when she is lying in her bassinet next to my side of the bed. I love when her binky falls out and her tiny little lips keep on sucking like the binky is still there. :) I love watching the 3 big kids argue over "who gets to feed her next" or "who gets to give Mommy the diaper and wipes." I know now, more than ever, that I was made to love babies. :) And it is not a difficult job to have.

What becomes difficult is the thought of investing my whole heart into her, only to have my heart ripped out of my chest if she leaves.

I hope you are reading that the ONLY common denominator in the risks and wants that I have listed, is the word "I." That one little letter that turns every statement into one of selfishness and introspection.

If I FULLY believe that God is in control, that He hand picks the children that enter our home and numbers their days, then WHAT DO I HAVE TO FEAR? What do I have to lose? Is this journey about ME? About the risk to MY heart? About ME loving and losing? I wager that it is not.

After hours of soul-searching these last 2 weeks, I have had several of those "Aha!" moments. I put a notepad by my bed to write down some of my revelations that have come at all hours of the night. This was the first thing I wrote last week: I cannot overcome fear without being faced with circumstances that cause me to address it.

Bingo. I think I still have a little work to do in the fear category.

I also started to question taking baby "A" in the first place. I muttered a prayer under my breath and said, "God, if I had known from the beginning that we would never have the chance to adopt her, and that she had these 'special circumstances,' I don't think I would have said yes." And as clear as day I sensed His response: "I gave you the information you needed at that time to make a decision." Whoah. Um, ok. He knew we wouldn't find out about her special circumstances until after we fell in love with her.

Relinquishment.

So here I sit. It is 10:15 pm and it has taken me 3 hours to write this blog post. I have debated over how much to say, and how much to hold back. I have struggled to really, really believe that God is protecting all of us and that His plan is better than mine. I want to take baby girl and run away to some deserted island and live our lives happily ever after. But that is not going to happen.

I am going to tell you what IS going to happen though.

I AM choosing to believe that it is worth it. I AM choosing to pour my whole heart into baby girl without the promise of anything in return. I AM choosing to believe that this is not about me; my heart, my will, my plan. We did not start this journey of taking children into our home to get something out of it, and we are not going to end it by making it about us now. I am going to trust God for every beating heart that is sleeping under the Rose family roof tonight.

I have no control over how long baby girl will be with us. I have no control over how long Caleb, Caitlyn, or Elliana will be with us. Each day with each child is a gift. We are to cherish every moment we have with them...not to live in fear that today could be their last day, but to ultimately look up to God and say, "I surrender!" Our children are HIS children. And if I ultimately take myself out of the equation, I have nothing to lose. Nothing to risk and everything to gain.

One final quote I saw online somewhere: I am not saying it is going to be easy, but I am saying it is going to be worth it.

Amen.

Poopoo Man

I was looking through photos from last summer and stumbled across this one. After laughing hysterically to myself, I decided I might as well post it for y'all to get a good laugh too. :) Last July our kids participated in a day camp at Westwood Baptist Church in Olympia called Summer Hummer. It was A-MAZING! Micah and I were camp counselors to a group of 9 very active 3rd and 4th grade boys who kept us on our toes from 8:00 every morning until about 4:30 every afternoon. We had the privilege of having a little boy from China in our group who spoke very little English. He was very shy, hesitant to participate in the activities, and kind of just kept to himself. WELL, after 5 days of being around the other crazy boys, I can tell you this: There is a universal language among 9 year olds! And that, my friends, is bathroom humor. On Friday afternoon, after remaining quiet ALL WEEK, I witnessed our little Chinese friend, with all of the other boys standing around him, soaking up every ounce of attention they were giving him and this journal he had been carrying around all week. After the boys ran off to participate in an activity, I inconspicuously tiptoed over to the open journal on the ground, and THIS is what I found: Friends, meet "Poopoo Man."