This morning I woke up bright and early and opened my devotional. This is what it said:
When things seem to be going all wrong, stop and affirm your trust in Me. Calmly bring these matters to Me, and leave them in My capable hands. Then, simply do the next thing. Stay in touch with Me through thankful, trusting prayers, resting in My sovereign control. Rejoice in Me--exult in the God of your salvation! As you trust in Me, I make your feet like the feet of a deer. I enable you to walk and make progress upon your high places of trouble, suffering, or responsibility.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Not My Idea of Vacation
For the past few months, we have been anticipating a wonderful summer vacation. Our agenda included spending 10 days in the glorious sunshine in Sunriver, Oregon....playing at the pool, riding bikes with the kids, taking morning trips to the bakery, nightly trips to the ice cream shop, and lots of relaxing. In June we sent an email to our social worker asking for an out-of-state travel authorization for baby girl. When asking for a court order, they normally only need you to give them two weeks’ notice, but we wanted to make sure we were prepared well in advance.
Two days before our trip our social worker informed us that he was having a hard time getting the court order and that we needed to be patient while he worked to get it for us. Much to our frustration, receiving the authorization we needed took WAY longer than usual and we had to start our vacation 2 days late…..
We arrived at our vacation spot on Friday evening, unpacked the car, put away our groceries, and watched the Olympics before calling it a night. We went to bed tired, but anticipated waking up to a week of nothing but fun, fun, fun! Unfortunately I didn’t sleep well and was up earlier than planned. I checked our email and was shocked to see a message from our social worker letting us know that baby girl will be leaving us the day after we return home from vacation. Wait, what?! I’m sorry, did I read that right? Are you serious? The baby girl we’ve been moving towards guardianship of….THAT baby girl? She is leaving? Um, I think I’m just going to stay on vacation for the rest of my life and pretend I never read that email. If I delete it, then it never really existed in the first place, right?
Micah was gone on an early morning bike ride and I struggled to maintain composure in front of the kids. But here’s the crazy thing! As much as my heart was breaking, I felt SUCH PEACE. My normal reaction in crisis usually goes something like this: shock, fear, tears, call a close friend, let my mind wander to all the terrible “what ifs,” cry a little more, think, “oh! I should probably pray!” Pray. Yes, you read that chronology correct. But this time was different. My reaction was: shock, peace, pray, surrender, more peace. It was crazy. I don’t know why my response was different this time, but it was. And I am holding on to that peace for dear life. My heart is so full for this 6 month old sweetie we had the honor of bringing home from the hospital. I love her. SO. MUCH. I love her like I birthed her. Like I anticipated her arrival for 9 months. Like there is no other baby in the world as precious as her. I know that may seem difficult to understand, but it is absolutely impossible for me to care for a baby without pouring my whole heart into that child. Micah and I believe that God’s desire is for us to be vessels of His love to the children He brings into our home. That means giving ourselves to them. Whole heartedly. No holding back. No self-protection. No “what ifs.” That is what we’ve done with Ariana—woken up each morning and loved her that day. And the next day. And the day after that.
We opted not to tell the kids until we get home because really? Why ruin their vacation? They love this peanut as much as we do and no one likes to be the bearer of sad news to their kids. Especially on vacation. We played in the pool yesterday and relaxed at our condo for a bit before heading into Bend for dinner. We went to our favorite dining spot (10 points for the first person to comment where that is! Haha) and enjoyed a yummy dinner. As we were getting ready to leave, a gentlemen I had seen a few tables away got up from his meal and came over to us. He said, “I am here with my family celebrating my 63rd birthday and I just had to come over here and tell you how well behaved your children are! I am so impressed! And this little cutie here (as he put his hand on baby girl’s head), my wife and I would adopt her if we could!” After I almost spit water out of my mouth in response to his “well behaved” comment, I instead said, “Thank you! We’d like to adopt her too if we could.”
I left it at that. No explanation that she is a foster child. No sob story about the news we’d been handed first thing that morning. He looked right into my eyes and as he left his hand on her head he said, “I don’t know if you know this or not, but there is a verse in the Bible: Jeremiah 29:11. It says: ‘For I know the plans I have for Ariana,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Plans for a hope and a future for Ariana.’ “ I almost collapsed right there in the middle of the restaurant. I was speechless (which for those of you who know me well, know that is a rare occasion).
I, of course, know that verse well. If you were to scroll back to a blog post I wrote a couple of years ago, you would see that that very verse was the one God used to promise redemption to me after relinquishing my son for adoption. He spoke it to me 13 years ago. And He spoke it again to me last night.
I fumbled my way out of the restaurant through tears and replayed the interaction with the man in the restaurant repeatedly on the car ride home. God DOES have a plan for Ariana. He IS protecting her. He knows our desire to keep her forever and who am I to think that MY plans are better than His? This whole thing isn’t about us anyway. I’ve said it before and I will say it again until I live and breathe it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: This is God’s story. He is allowing us to be a part of HIS plan. Not vice versa. This is not our plans with a little of God’s “tossed in.” The only thing we are called to do is love the children that are in our home TODAY. Not to worry about tomorrow. Not to wander off track into “what if land.” As long as we keep our eyes fixed on the One who is holding us all in His hands, then there is no need to fear.
As we spend the rest of our vacation enjoying each moment we have with our little peanut, we are continuing to pray that God’s will would be done in her life, (as well as all of our lives) and that He will protect her from harm. Our hearts’ desire, of course, is that He will make a way for her to stay with us forever.
One final thing I want to share with you: When we started the foster care journey, God gave us this verse as our family motto, and once again, I wrote about this in my very first blog post about beginning foster care: James 1:27- “Pure and lasting religion is this, to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to refuse to let the world corrupt you.” I texted a dear friend yesterday morning to let her know what was going on with the baby, and she wrote me back an encouraging message with that verse included. She reminded me that loving Ariana is what God has called us to do, and we will continue to do just that.
We arrived at our vacation spot on Friday evening, unpacked the car, put away our groceries, and watched the Olympics before calling it a night. We went to bed tired, but anticipated waking up to a week of nothing but fun, fun, fun! Unfortunately I didn’t sleep well and was up earlier than planned. I checked our email and was shocked to see a message from our social worker letting us know that baby girl will be leaving us the day after we return home from vacation. Wait, what?! I’m sorry, did I read that right? Are you serious? The baby girl we’ve been moving towards guardianship of….THAT baby girl? She is leaving? Um, I think I’m just going to stay on vacation for the rest of my life and pretend I never read that email. If I delete it, then it never really existed in the first place, right?
Micah was gone on an early morning bike ride and I struggled to maintain composure in front of the kids. But here’s the crazy thing! As much as my heart was breaking, I felt SUCH PEACE. My normal reaction in crisis usually goes something like this: shock, fear, tears, call a close friend, let my mind wander to all the terrible “what ifs,” cry a little more, think, “oh! I should probably pray!” Pray. Yes, you read that chronology correct. But this time was different. My reaction was: shock, peace, pray, surrender, more peace. It was crazy. I don’t know why my response was different this time, but it was. And I am holding on to that peace for dear life. My heart is so full for this 6 month old sweetie we had the honor of bringing home from the hospital. I love her. SO. MUCH. I love her like I birthed her. Like I anticipated her arrival for 9 months. Like there is no other baby in the world as precious as her. I know that may seem difficult to understand, but it is absolutely impossible for me to care for a baby without pouring my whole heart into that child. Micah and I believe that God’s desire is for us to be vessels of His love to the children He brings into our home. That means giving ourselves to them. Whole heartedly. No holding back. No self-protection. No “what ifs.” That is what we’ve done with Ariana—woken up each morning and loved her that day. And the next day. And the day after that.
We opted not to tell the kids until we get home because really? Why ruin their vacation? They love this peanut as much as we do and no one likes to be the bearer of sad news to their kids. Especially on vacation. We played in the pool yesterday and relaxed at our condo for a bit before heading into Bend for dinner. We went to our favorite dining spot (10 points for the first person to comment where that is! Haha) and enjoyed a yummy dinner. As we were getting ready to leave, a gentlemen I had seen a few tables away got up from his meal and came over to us. He said, “I am here with my family celebrating my 63rd birthday and I just had to come over here and tell you how well behaved your children are! I am so impressed! And this little cutie here (as he put his hand on baby girl’s head), my wife and I would adopt her if we could!” After I almost spit water out of my mouth in response to his “well behaved” comment, I instead said, “Thank you! We’d like to adopt her too if we could.”
I left it at that. No explanation that she is a foster child. No sob story about the news we’d been handed first thing that morning. He looked right into my eyes and as he left his hand on her head he said, “I don’t know if you know this or not, but there is a verse in the Bible: Jeremiah 29:11. It says: ‘For I know the plans I have for Ariana,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Plans for a hope and a future for Ariana.’ “ I almost collapsed right there in the middle of the restaurant. I was speechless (which for those of you who know me well, know that is a rare occasion).
I, of course, know that verse well. If you were to scroll back to a blog post I wrote a couple of years ago, you would see that that very verse was the one God used to promise redemption to me after relinquishing my son for adoption. He spoke it to me 13 years ago. And He spoke it again to me last night.
I fumbled my way out of the restaurant through tears and replayed the interaction with the man in the restaurant repeatedly on the car ride home. God DOES have a plan for Ariana. He IS protecting her. He knows our desire to keep her forever and who am I to think that MY plans are better than His? This whole thing isn’t about us anyway. I’ve said it before and I will say it again until I live and breathe it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: This is God’s story. He is allowing us to be a part of HIS plan. Not vice versa. This is not our plans with a little of God’s “tossed in.” The only thing we are called to do is love the children that are in our home TODAY. Not to worry about tomorrow. Not to wander off track into “what if land.” As long as we keep our eyes fixed on the One who is holding us all in His hands, then there is no need to fear.
As we spend the rest of our vacation enjoying each moment we have with our little peanut, we are continuing to pray that God’s will would be done in her life, (as well as all of our lives) and that He will protect her from harm. Our hearts’ desire, of course, is that He will make a way for her to stay with us forever.
One final thing I want to share with you: When we started the foster care journey, God gave us this verse as our family motto, and once again, I wrote about this in my very first blog post about beginning foster care: James 1:27- “Pure and lasting religion is this, to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to refuse to let the world corrupt you.” I texted a dear friend yesterday morning to let her know what was going on with the baby, and she wrote me back an encouraging message with that verse included. She reminded me that loving Ariana is what God has called us to do, and we will continue to do just that.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Relinquishment
Are there ever times in your life where you seem to come head to head with the SAME issue over and over again? Lately I've been wrestling with the issue of relinquishment....and in case you are wondering, that is a pretty way of saying control. Doesn't that sound nice? "I am really having a hard time relinquishing my circumstances to God." So much better than the ugly truth, which really is: "Actually I don't trust that God knows what He is doing in my life so I have decided to take as much control as I can over my circumstances, just to be safe." Not real cute now, is it? Now that we have that out on the table, it's time to play a little catch up on my lack of blogging for the past 6 months. :)
As I'm sure many of you know, we had the honor of adopting a precious little 4-year-old girl in December. I could blog numerous posts on the subject of Ellie's adoption, but the basics for now are: A. We love her dearly. B. Our biological kids love her and think of her as their biological sister. C. We are thrilled to be called Mommy and Daddy every day by this sweet gift from God. D. Having Ellie in our home has challenged us and stretched us in many, many ways. We have faced numerous circumstances and situations with her that have required absolute flat-on-our-faces desperation for wisdom that can only come from God Himself. We have had to throw out our agenda and plan to "fix" the brokenness. We have had to ultimately rely on God and trust that He knows what is best for Ellie. And believe me when I say we are praying for Him to reveal that plan to us, that we may be instruments of healing to her broken spirit. Relinquishment.
Within 12 hours of Ellie's adoption, Baby "M" who had been with us for the last 10 months returned home to his Mama. Although we felt good about where he was going, it was still difficult to see him leave. We decided not to take in any foster children through the holiday season, and it was a nice time to really bond as an "official" family of 5. We were blessed to spend Christmas in Sunriver, Oregon with my parents, sister, her husband, and little boy. :) The cousins had a great time making a ginerbread house, decorating the tree, playing games, watching movies, doing puzzles, and just spending time together. Christmas 2011 was a special one for us, marked by wonderful memories and a new beginning.
After the 1st of the year, we agreed to let DSHS know we were open to new placements. Our specific request was for a baby, or a sibling group that included a baby...and of course, we would love to have a child (or children) with adoption potential. After waiting for all of January and February with NO phone calls, I began to grow impatient. As much as I firmly believe that God hand picks each child that enters our home, even if for a day, my heart ached for the precious little one(s) that had yet to join us. I tried to envision who those kids were, where they were, how old they were, what their living situation currently looked like.....etc, etc, etc. See, I'm one of those people who wants to know how it is all going to work out in the end. I want to see the big picture. The end result. I want to know if I am going to be celebrating an adoption, or crying myself to sleep because that child returns home. But here's the deal! Knowing how it is "all going to work out in the end" doesn't give us the opportunity to trust God through the process! It doesn't require faith. It doesn't require relinquishment. It doesn't require submitting to HIS will for my life. And let's be real here: MY plan for my life has taken me nowhere fast. Down a slippery slope, into the pit of despair, finally realizing for the umpteenth time that my idea was not, in fact, a good idea.
I surrender.
March 2nd: we received a phone call from a social worker in Seattle asking if we were willing to take a precious newborn girl "temporarily" (most overused and delusive word by every social worker from DSHS, btw) while they looked for a placement closer to her home. "Um, OF COURSE!" SO, Monday morning we drove to Seattle to pick up this precious little bundle from the hospital and I was instantly in love. Like head-over-heels, completely smitten, unable to talk because I was so choked up-in love. I felt like I was seeing my own baby for the first time. This, my friends, is what I call THE DANGER ZONE. Falling in love with a baby that is not your own flesh and blood brings a plethora of risks. The risk of losing her in the end, the risk of losing her somewhere along the way, the risk of losing her at the beginning, the risk of becoming so jaded that we decide not to take in other children.
After having this little bundle of sweetness here for 2 weeks now, we have learned her story and some information that has caused us to take a step back and truly examine our hearts. Here is the deal: this baby girl will never be available for adoption. Never. Not now, not in 5 years, not in 15 years. I can't give the details so I will just have to call it "special circumstances." Most children that come through DSHS are required by law to have a permanent plan within one year of placement. That plan can be either adoption or return home, but that plan must be implemented within the first year to 18 months at the most from the time that child enters foster care. Unfortunately for us, the law says that this baby girl will never have a plan that is truly permanent. I guess that irrevocable is probably a better word than permanent. But if we are going to keep her in our home, we have to relinquish the hope that she will ever bear our last name...that she will ever be officially adopted through the court system...that we will ever have the security of knowing that she can never be taken from us. We have to surrender to the fact that God has numbered her days in our family, whether that be 15 days or the rest of her life. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: this is not a place I want to be. I WANT the security. I WANT the permanency. I WANT to know that 10 years from now when we are minding our own business and just living our lives with her that some random relative can't just show up out of the woodwork and decide they want her, taking her from our arms without the opportunity to ever see her again.
But that is not going to happen. Unfortunately, because of "special" circumstances, we will never be given that assurance.
God has asked us to commit to her for as long as we have the privilege of keeping her, and this is not a stretch for me. I love this package of cuteness as much as I loved Caleb and Caitlyn at her age. I love how her little legs stay curled up when I pick her up and put her on my shoulder. I love the little grunts and noises she makes when she is lying in her bassinet next to my side of the bed. I love when her binky falls out and her tiny little lips keep on sucking like the binky is still there. :) I love watching the 3 big kids argue over "who gets to feed her next" or "who gets to give Mommy the diaper and wipes." I know now, more than ever, that I was made to love babies. :) And it is not a difficult job to have.
What becomes difficult is the thought of investing my whole heart into her, only to have my heart ripped out of my chest if she leaves.
I hope you are reading that the ONLY common denominator in the risks and wants that I have listed, is the word "I." That one little letter that turns every statement into one of selfishness and introspection.
If I FULLY believe that God is in control, that He hand picks the children that enter our home and numbers their days, then WHAT DO I HAVE TO FEAR? What do I have to lose? Is this journey about ME? About the risk to MY heart? About ME loving and losing? I wager that it is not.
After hours of soul-searching these last 2 weeks, I have had several of those "Aha!" moments. I put a notepad by my bed to write down some of my revelations that have come at all hours of the night. This was the first thing I wrote last week: I cannot overcome fear without being faced with circumstances that cause me to address it.
Bingo. I think I still have a little work to do in the fear category.
I also started to question taking baby "A" in the first place. I muttered a prayer under my breath and said, "God, if I had known from the beginning that we would never have the chance to adopt her, and that she had these 'special circumstances,' I don't think I would have said yes." And as clear as day I sensed His response: "I gave you the information you needed at that time to make a decision." Whoah. Um, ok. He knew we wouldn't find out about her special circumstances until after we fell in love with her.
Relinquishment.
So here I sit. It is 10:15 pm and it has taken me 3 hours to write this blog post. I have debated over how much to say, and how much to hold back. I have struggled to really, really believe that God is protecting all of us and that His plan is better than mine. I want to take baby girl and run away to some deserted island and live our lives happily ever after. But that is not going to happen.
I am going to tell you what IS going to happen though.
I AM choosing to believe that it is worth it. I AM choosing to pour my whole heart into baby girl without the promise of anything in return. I AM choosing to believe that this is not about me; my heart, my will, my plan. We did not start this journey of taking children into our home to get something out of it, and we are not going to end it by making it about us now. I am going to trust God for every beating heart that is sleeping under the Rose family roof tonight.
I have no control over how long baby girl will be with us. I have no control over how long Caleb, Caitlyn, or Elliana will be with us. Each day with each child is a gift. We are to cherish every moment we have with them...not to live in fear that today could be their last day, but to ultimately look up to God and say, "I surrender!" Our children are HIS children. And if I ultimately take myself out of the equation, I have nothing to lose. Nothing to risk and everything to gain.
One final quote I saw online somewhere: I am not saying it is going to be easy, but I am saying it is going to be worth it.
Amen.
As I'm sure many of you know, we had the honor of adopting a precious little 4-year-old girl in December. I could blog numerous posts on the subject of Ellie's adoption, but the basics for now are: A. We love her dearly. B. Our biological kids love her and think of her as their biological sister. C. We are thrilled to be called Mommy and Daddy every day by this sweet gift from God. D. Having Ellie in our home has challenged us and stretched us in many, many ways. We have faced numerous circumstances and situations with her that have required absolute flat-on-our-faces desperation for wisdom that can only come from God Himself. We have had to throw out our agenda and plan to "fix" the brokenness. We have had to ultimately rely on God and trust that He knows what is best for Ellie. And believe me when I say we are praying for Him to reveal that plan to us, that we may be instruments of healing to her broken spirit. Relinquishment.
Within 12 hours of Ellie's adoption, Baby "M" who had been with us for the last 10 months returned home to his Mama. Although we felt good about where he was going, it was still difficult to see him leave. We decided not to take in any foster children through the holiday season, and it was a nice time to really bond as an "official" family of 5. We were blessed to spend Christmas in Sunriver, Oregon with my parents, sister, her husband, and little boy. :) The cousins had a great time making a ginerbread house, decorating the tree, playing games, watching movies, doing puzzles, and just spending time together. Christmas 2011 was a special one for us, marked by wonderful memories and a new beginning.
After the 1st of the year, we agreed to let DSHS know we were open to new placements. Our specific request was for a baby, or a sibling group that included a baby...and of course, we would love to have a child (or children) with adoption potential. After waiting for all of January and February with NO phone calls, I began to grow impatient. As much as I firmly believe that God hand picks each child that enters our home, even if for a day, my heart ached for the precious little one(s) that had yet to join us. I tried to envision who those kids were, where they were, how old they were, what their living situation currently looked like.....etc, etc, etc. See, I'm one of those people who wants to know how it is all going to work out in the end. I want to see the big picture. The end result. I want to know if I am going to be celebrating an adoption, or crying myself to sleep because that child returns home. But here's the deal! Knowing how it is "all going to work out in the end" doesn't give us the opportunity to trust God through the process! It doesn't require faith. It doesn't require relinquishment. It doesn't require submitting to HIS will for my life. And let's be real here: MY plan for my life has taken me nowhere fast. Down a slippery slope, into the pit of despair, finally realizing for the umpteenth time that my idea was not, in fact, a good idea.
I surrender.
March 2nd: we received a phone call from a social worker in Seattle asking if we were willing to take a precious newborn girl "temporarily" (most overused and delusive word by every social worker from DSHS, btw) while they looked for a placement closer to her home. "Um, OF COURSE!" SO, Monday morning we drove to Seattle to pick up this precious little bundle from the hospital and I was instantly in love. Like head-over-heels, completely smitten, unable to talk because I was so choked up-in love. I felt like I was seeing my own baby for the first time. This, my friends, is what I call THE DANGER ZONE. Falling in love with a baby that is not your own flesh and blood brings a plethora of risks. The risk of losing her in the end, the risk of losing her somewhere along the way, the risk of losing her at the beginning, the risk of becoming so jaded that we decide not to take in other children.
After having this little bundle of sweetness here for 2 weeks now, we have learned her story and some information that has caused us to take a step back and truly examine our hearts. Here is the deal: this baby girl will never be available for adoption. Never. Not now, not in 5 years, not in 15 years. I can't give the details so I will just have to call it "special circumstances." Most children that come through DSHS are required by law to have a permanent plan within one year of placement. That plan can be either adoption or return home, but that plan must be implemented within the first year to 18 months at the most from the time that child enters foster care. Unfortunately for us, the law says that this baby girl will never have a plan that is truly permanent. I guess that irrevocable is probably a better word than permanent. But if we are going to keep her in our home, we have to relinquish the hope that she will ever bear our last name...that she will ever be officially adopted through the court system...that we will ever have the security of knowing that she can never be taken from us. We have to surrender to the fact that God has numbered her days in our family, whether that be 15 days or the rest of her life. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: this is not a place I want to be. I WANT the security. I WANT the permanency. I WANT to know that 10 years from now when we are minding our own business and just living our lives with her that some random relative can't just show up out of the woodwork and decide they want her, taking her from our arms without the opportunity to ever see her again.
But that is not going to happen. Unfortunately, because of "special" circumstances, we will never be given that assurance.
God has asked us to commit to her for as long as we have the privilege of keeping her, and this is not a stretch for me. I love this package of cuteness as much as I loved Caleb and Caitlyn at her age. I love how her little legs stay curled up when I pick her up and put her on my shoulder. I love the little grunts and noises she makes when she is lying in her bassinet next to my side of the bed. I love when her binky falls out and her tiny little lips keep on sucking like the binky is still there. :) I love watching the 3 big kids argue over "who gets to feed her next" or "who gets to give Mommy the diaper and wipes." I know now, more than ever, that I was made to love babies. :) And it is not a difficult job to have.
What becomes difficult is the thought of investing my whole heart into her, only to have my heart ripped out of my chest if she leaves.
I hope you are reading that the ONLY common denominator in the risks and wants that I have listed, is the word "I." That one little letter that turns every statement into one of selfishness and introspection.
If I FULLY believe that God is in control, that He hand picks the children that enter our home and numbers their days, then WHAT DO I HAVE TO FEAR? What do I have to lose? Is this journey about ME? About the risk to MY heart? About ME loving and losing? I wager that it is not.
After hours of soul-searching these last 2 weeks, I have had several of those "Aha!" moments. I put a notepad by my bed to write down some of my revelations that have come at all hours of the night. This was the first thing I wrote last week: I cannot overcome fear without being faced with circumstances that cause me to address it.
Bingo. I think I still have a little work to do in the fear category.
I also started to question taking baby "A" in the first place. I muttered a prayer under my breath and said, "God, if I had known from the beginning that we would never have the chance to adopt her, and that she had these 'special circumstances,' I don't think I would have said yes." And as clear as day I sensed His response: "I gave you the information you needed at that time to make a decision." Whoah. Um, ok. He knew we wouldn't find out about her special circumstances until after we fell in love with her.
Relinquishment.
So here I sit. It is 10:15 pm and it has taken me 3 hours to write this blog post. I have debated over how much to say, and how much to hold back. I have struggled to really, really believe that God is protecting all of us and that His plan is better than mine. I want to take baby girl and run away to some deserted island and live our lives happily ever after. But that is not going to happen.
I am going to tell you what IS going to happen though.
I AM choosing to believe that it is worth it. I AM choosing to pour my whole heart into baby girl without the promise of anything in return. I AM choosing to believe that this is not about me; my heart, my will, my plan. We did not start this journey of taking children into our home to get something out of it, and we are not going to end it by making it about us now. I am going to trust God for every beating heart that is sleeping under the Rose family roof tonight.
I have no control over how long baby girl will be with us. I have no control over how long Caleb, Caitlyn, or Elliana will be with us. Each day with each child is a gift. We are to cherish every moment we have with them...not to live in fear that today could be their last day, but to ultimately look up to God and say, "I surrender!" Our children are HIS children. And if I ultimately take myself out of the equation, I have nothing to lose. Nothing to risk and everything to gain.
One final quote I saw online somewhere: I am not saying it is going to be easy, but I am saying it is going to be worth it.
Amen.
Poopoo Man
I was looking through photos from last summer and stumbled across this one. After laughing hysterically to myself, I decided I might as well post it for y'all to get a good laugh too. :) Last July our kids participated in a day camp at Westwood Baptist Church in Olympia called Summer Hummer. It was A-MAZING! Micah and I were camp counselors to a group of 9 very active 3rd and 4th grade boys who kept us on our toes from 8:00 every morning until about 4:30 every afternoon. We had the privilege of having a little boy from China in our group who spoke very little English. He was very shy, hesitant to participate in the activities, and kind of just kept to himself. WELL, after 5 days of being around the other crazy boys, I can tell you this: There is a universal language among 9 year olds! And that, my friends, is bathroom humor. On Friday afternoon, after remaining quiet ALL WEEK, I witnessed our little Chinese friend, with all of the other boys standing around him, soaking up every ounce of attention they were giving him and this journal he had been carrying around all week. After the boys ran off to participate in an activity, I inconspicuously tiptoed over to the open journal on the ground, and THIS is what I found: Friends, meet "Poopoo Man."
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Clammin' and a ticket
A month or so ago, we went to Tolmie State park with all 4 of the munchkins. The trip was especially exciting for Caleb who noticed people digging in the sand on the hunt for clams. He tried his hand and dug up a few himself, but we were unsure of the shellfish laws and told Caleb we couldn't keep any because that would be dishonest. It was a tough lesson for him on integrity, but he made the right choice and put them back. We promised him we would take him clamming another time when we knew it was legal. ;) So after doing a little research, we found out that kids under 15 can take up to 40 butter/steamer clams a day from this beach and they do not need a license. A more thorough check on the Department of Health website affirmed that there were no health warnings in effect. SO, off we went to the beach. Caleb toted his little plastic yellow bucket and garden shovel. I CANNOT believe I didn't bring my camera!!! At least I captured some photos of his success: 11 steamer clams that he personally cleaned and steamed in garlic butter. He was SO proud of himself!
Trying the "neck."
Not so sure.....
"Hey Dad! Do you eat this black part?"
Caitlyn trying her share...which she surprisingly loved!
Caleb shared a couple of his clams, but slurped down the rest himself. We just finished dinner about 1/2 hour ago, and he is already asking when we can go again. :)
Speaking of integrity, when we got back to our car we had a ticket on our window for not having a "discovery pass." Oops! We honestly did not know we needed to purchase one and the Park Ranger happened to be near our car when we returned to it. After a brief conversation with Micah, it somehow came up that we were foster parents. The ranger ripped up our ticket, handed it back to Micah and proceeded to thank Micah for our sacrifice as foster parents .
Even though that gesture probably seems like a small thing to most of you, the last few months have included many dark, challenging days with our Ellie and it blessed my heart to just know that someone recognized the challenge and the sacrifice we are making. As I've stated before, our hearts for foster care are not to receive accolades or pats on the back, but once in a while, when I've felt especially discouraged, it seems as though there have been strategic conversations and little words of encouragement that have kept us pressing forward. Today, that encouragement came in the form of clams and a ripped up ticket. <3
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
A rough day
I know I frequently post photos on facebook of the kids and our "happy moments"--trips to the beach, riding bikes, birthday parties, playtime with friends, etc. We have many happy times that I love to capture with my camera, and I also have a little journal where I write down the crazy (and embarrassing) things the kids say. :) And as much as I like to chronicle the positive things in our lives, like any family--the reality is, there are rough times too.
Yesterday was a hard day. A day that left me worn out. Sad. Hurting for my sweet Caitlyn. Here is what happened:
Caitlyn decided that she wanted to surprise me by making my bed....a challenging task for a teeny tiny like her. She asked me to leave my bedroom while she "worked on something." I stood outside the door for a minute and listened as she talked herself through the steps of making a bed. "Put on the sheet.......ugh! Ow! This is hawd (hard)! Get the blankets! After a minute or so of hearing her wrestle to get the sheets, blankets, duvet, duvet cover (yes it is July but we are still FREEZING!) up off of the floor and onto the bed, I smiled to myself and went downstairs, pleased with my baby girl and her tender heart. Ellie wanted to know what she was doing and went upstairs to help, but Caitlyn asked her to leave because she wanted to "do it by herself." Without much resistance, Ellie went into her bedroom which is next door to ours and I could hear her playing happily.
After about 15 minutes, Caitlyn came downstairs to get me, took me by the hand, and made me close my eyes while she led me upstairs. She was SO tickled to show me her surprise! But unfortunately, the next few minutes did not go as she had planned. After Caitlyn came downstairs to get me, Ellie, who was apparently mad at Caitlyn, went into our bedroom, pulled all of the sheets and blankets off of the bed, threw them onto the floor, and as Caitlyn opened the bedroom door to surprise me, there was Ellie, jumping on the heap of blankets on the floor mocking with the jingle "neener, neener, neener!" Caitlyn burst into tears and Ellie laughed harder. Caitlyn was heartbroken. I was heartbroken for Caitlyn.
I picked Ellie up, put her in her bed, and made her stay there for an hour. I knew that a time out wouldn't work. I knew that taking away a privilege wouldn't work. I knew that making her apologize to Caitlyn wouldn't work. Unfortunately, I wasn't sure what would work. I was at the end of my rope. If this was the first time something like this had happened, I might have had a little more patience. A little more grace. But this is something that happens pretty regularly and it is taxing on this Mama. After putting Ellie in her bed, I went back, picked up Caitlyn, and just held her while she cried. I ran my fingers through her hair and cried along with her. When kids hurt, Mommies hurt too. What Ellie had done was premeditated, and mean.
God has called us to this journey. It is not an easy one. Yes, it is rewarding. Yes, there is peace knowing we are in His will for our lives. But the reality still remains: this is HARD. Some days are harder than others. Some days we see a glimmer of hope and that glimmer is what keeps us pressing forward. We love Elliana dearly and are SO thankful she is going to be a permanent member of our family. But sometimes, when I am laying in bed and all my kids are sleeping, I question the cost. I have moments where I say, "Are you sure I have the patience and grace I need to do this, Lord? Are you sure I am capable? Do you really think I have what it takes to do this?" Thankfully, those moments are frequently followed by a word of encouragement, an applicable Bible verse I stumble upon, or a breakthrough I see in one of our kids.
I feel challenged today. Desperate for Jesus to give me strength and perseverance. Desperate for our little Ellie to know deep in her heart that she is unconditionally loved and that we will never abandon her or treat her any different than our other kids. We want her to feel safe. Secure. Cherished. Adored. Precious.
If you think of us, would you pray for us? We would continue to appreciate your prayers for strength, wisdom, and guidance as we try to fumble our way through this journey. God has been so gracious to entrust His us with these precious children and we can use all the wisdom we can get as we try to raise them for His glory. Thank you! <3
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