Letting Go

The first couple of weeks in February were rough here in the Rose household. Micah got sick, then a week later Ellie and I got sick, then a week later Caitlyn got sick, and Ellie got sick again. We all were unfortunate victims of a persistent tummy virus. Fortunately, most of us made a quick recovery and were back to our chipper selves. Caitlyn, however, was not so lucky. Tuesday night, February 8th, we had a normal dinner and then put the kids to bed. Around 9 or 10:00 I heard a loud noise that I couldn't decipher. "Micah--what is THAT?!" Well, it was Caitlyn throwing up. She was not incredibly concerned with making it to the bathroom and made *quite* the mess. Sorry for those of you who are visual learners. ;) Our poor baby continued to be sick all night long, and by Wednesday morning, she literally could not stop dry heaving and we made the trek into Northwest Peds. Caitlyn spent most of the day Wednesday hooked up to IVs to replenish her fluids, and they sent us home, assuming she would wake up fine the next day. Unfortunately she did not wake up fine. We returned to NW Peds and spent 11+ hours there again, with Caitlyn hooked up to IV's for fluids and antibiotics. Unfortunately, when we got there, her tiny veins were incredibly flat and 4 different Doctors and nurses tried repeatedly to get IV's in her. After 2 1/2 hours of trying, a wonderful nurse named Brenda came in and got it on the FIRST TRY. Dr. Polley was literally standing outside our door interceding that Brenda would get it in on her first try. How many people can say THAT of their Pediatrician?! :) Anywhoo, they unhooked her IV around 8:30 Thursday night, sent me home with instructions to flush her IV site overnight, and to give her round-the-clock anti-nausea meds to prevent her from vomiting anymore. We had an appointment for 9:00 Friday morning when we were praying Caitlyn would be well and all they would have to do would be remove her IV. Again, unfortunately, Caitlyn was not well. In fact, her health was deteriorating quickly. Her blood sugar dropped into the low 40s, she was completely lethargic and just plain "out of it." Her electrolytes were completely off and the fluids were just not pumping into her fast enough. Late Friday morning, the nurse practitioner came in and informed us that they needed to admit Caitlyn to St. Peters in Olympia where they had a special pediatric unit. Caitlyn had only peed twice in 48 hours, despite all the fluids going into her, and her illness was now outside their abilities to help her in the office. We put Caitlyn in the car and beelined for Olympia. Caitlyn was so, so listless and groggy. I had to hold her head up against her carseat in the back, and several times I patted her cheeks to make sure she was breathing. I was scared. Like REALLY scared.

Just a few days before this incident I had finished reading a book by Mary Beth Chapman called "Choosing to See." For those of you unfamiliar with who she is, Mary Beth is married to the Christian artist Stephen Curtis Chapman. 2 1/2 years ago, their 18-year-old son ran over their 4 year old daughter in their driveway by accident and killed her. Mary Beth's book was about her journey, her struggle, and ultimately, her surrender to God regarding the lives of her children.

So this Friday morning as we were driving to Olympia, a wave of fear overcame me as I started wondering if "God knew I needed to read that book." I was SCREAMING in my mind at God, BEGGING Him out loud to save our daughter, and WHISPERING in Caitlyn's ear that I loved her so much, and that Mommy and Daddy needed her to be strong and to fight.

I then turned my prayers back to God as I pleaded with him to please, please, not have let me read that book in preparation for losing our baby girl. I couldn't go there.

They were waiting for us when we got to the hospital in Olympia and they got her IV started right away. They also took a bunch of blood to run for testing to make sure there wasn't something else occurring in her body that had gone undiagnosed. The good news was, there wasn't anything else going on other than a serious case of dehydration and an electrolyte imbalance. That bad news was, the Doctor came in and told us that this was the worst case of dehydration she had seen and that Caitlyn was actually a lot sicker than they thought when we first brought her in. Um, thanks a lot Doc....that is JUST the right thing to say to a mom who is already clearly shaken up. We called and texted everyone we knew of to pray. We plastered it on Facebook. We called the church and had her put on the prayer chain. Friends and relatives all over the country were praying. Hard. And we felt it. Right around dinner time Friday night Caitlyn faintly whispered, "I'm hungry. I want a piece of toast." So toast, it was. She ate it slowly, but managed to keep it down and the fluids/anti nausea meds/antibiotics were beginning to do their job. It was amazing to LITERALLY FEEL prayers. To know that so many of you were interceding on our behalf, and joining with our pleas. Thank you. Your prayers were answered. Our prayers were answered. Caitlyn made quick progress and by Saturday afternoon, she was well enough to come home. I couldn't believe it! 24 hours before I was scared to death for her life, and here we were taking our baby girl home! And she was talking! And smiling! What an amazing God we serve!

I want to take just a minute to relay what I am continuing to learn. If I could have predicted my response to a situation like this, I would have thought my knee-jerk reaction would have been to hold on to my kids tighter and to swoon with guilt over all of my shortcomings. But ironically, the very opposite happened. You do not realize how little control you have over your life until it's fragileness is STARING YOU IN THE FACE. You do not realize how desperate and dependent on God you need to be until your circumstances leave you with no other option. God IS sovereign. He IS in control, whether we "give" Him that control or not. He calls the shots. He knows what's best for us. He's got our back.

I am realizing more and more, that the tighter I hold onto my kids, my husband, and my life, the more opportunities God is giving me to let go of those very things I cling to. :) Remember, He is faithful to complete the work He started and if you ask Him to stretch you, He will! I apparently need much more growth as I have had numerous opportunities to surrender to His will in this last year especially and I still have fear every time! You would think that any one of the situations we have faced would leave me in a place of total surrender, but I am clearly a work in progress and have continued to face opportunities requiring faith. My prayer has been one of declaring my trust in God over the lives of my children, and to let go. To really let go. It is easy to say "my kids are the Lord's" but the reality of that is a difficult act of obedience. I HAVE to remember that God gave them to us in the first place! Children are a blessing from the Lord, and each day we have with them is a privilege, not a right.

Finally, here are some photos from our time at NW Peds and at the hospital. Sorry for the poor photo quality, as some of them were taken from my Ipod. :)

at the hospital, not so chipper. :(

Day #3 at NW Peds

Day #2 at NW Peds

First food in 4 days!

Finally going home! Smiling! :)