Yesterday was a hard day. A day that left me worn out. Sad. Hurting for my sweet Caitlyn. Here is what happened:
Caitlyn decided that she wanted to surprise me by making my bed....a challenging task for a teeny tiny like her. She asked me to leave my bedroom while she "worked on something." I stood outside the door for a minute and listened as she talked herself through the steps of making a bed. "Put on the sheet.......ugh! Ow! This is hawd (hard)! Get the blankets! After a minute or so of hearing her wrestle to get the sheets, blankets, duvet, duvet cover (yes it is July but we are still FREEZING!) up off of the floor and onto the bed, I smiled to myself and went downstairs, pleased with my baby girl and her tender heart. Ellie wanted to know what she was doing and went upstairs to help, but Caitlyn asked her to leave because she wanted to "do it by herself." Without much resistance, Ellie went into her bedroom which is next door to ours and I could hear her playing happily.
After about 15 minutes, Caitlyn came downstairs to get me, took me by the hand, and made me close my eyes while she led me upstairs. She was SO tickled to show me her surprise! But unfortunately, the next few minutes did not go as she had planned. After Caitlyn came downstairs to get me, Ellie, who was apparently mad at Caitlyn, went into our bedroom, pulled all of the sheets and blankets off of the bed, threw them onto the floor, and as Caitlyn opened the bedroom door to surprise me, there was Ellie, jumping on the heap of blankets on the floor mocking with the jingle "neener, neener, neener!" Caitlyn burst into tears and Ellie laughed harder. Caitlyn was heartbroken. I was heartbroken for Caitlyn.
I picked Ellie up, put her in her bed, and made her stay there for an hour. I knew that a time out wouldn't work. I knew that taking away a privilege wouldn't work. I knew that making her apologize to Caitlyn wouldn't work. Unfortunately, I wasn't sure what would work. I was at the end of my rope. If this was the first time something like this had happened, I might have had a little more patience. A little more grace. But this is something that happens pretty regularly and it is taxing on this Mama. After putting Ellie in her bed, I went back, picked up Caitlyn, and just held her while she cried. I ran my fingers through her hair and cried along with her. When kids hurt, Mommies hurt too. What Ellie had done was premeditated, and mean.
God has called us to this journey. It is not an easy one. Yes, it is rewarding. Yes, there is peace knowing we are in His will for our lives. But the reality still remains: this is HARD. Some days are harder than others. Some days we see a glimmer of hope and that glimmer is what keeps us pressing forward. We love Elliana dearly and are SO thankful she is going to be a permanent member of our family. But sometimes, when I am laying in bed and all my kids are sleeping, I question the cost. I have moments where I say, "Are you sure I have the patience and grace I need to do this, Lord? Are you sure I am capable? Do you really think I have what it takes to do this?" Thankfully, those moments are frequently followed by a word of encouragement, an applicable Bible verse I stumble upon, or a breakthrough I see in one of our kids.
I feel challenged today. Desperate for Jesus to give me strength and perseverance. Desperate for our little Ellie to know deep in her heart that she is unconditionally loved and that we will never abandon her or treat her any different than our other kids. We want her to feel safe. Secure. Cherished. Adored. Precious.
If you think of us, would you pray for us? We would continue to appreciate your prayers for strength, wisdom, and guidance as we try to fumble our way through this journey. God has been so gracious to entrust His us with these precious children and we can use all the wisdom we can get as we try to raise them for His glory. Thank you! <3
3 comments:
Kirsten, this touches me!!! Thank you for sharing, sweet friend. I think you're A-MAZING, and I WILL pray for you!!! xoxo ~ Amy Paulson
Hugs to you today and in the days to come. Yesterday we had a moment as well..not as dramatic as yours: Azlan spilled his lunch all over the concrete in the back yard. His chips and sandwich splattering to the ground. The kids all rushed to help him except Zunduka was grabbing the chips and shoving them in his mouth. Azlan was trying to pick his food up but now even faster to save them from the scrambling hands...ahhh..as Duka had a full plate of his own. It's the small frustrations that make my heart glad this was a calling. He makes no mistakes.
I pray for you family and will do so more and more now!
God has called you and He will equip you!
I am so sorry this journey is so rough. I sometimes wonder why my journey has been rough too, but God has a purpose for every thing. He is using these moments to draw ALL of you closer to Him. Yes, Caitlyn, Ellie and you all were given this moment to grow closer to Him. I think you responded with grace and I am sure Caitlyn and Ellie will learn much on the journey too...much about the mercy of God and His amazing grace!
Praying always for you!
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