The goodness of God

This has been an amazing vacation. Not because of the beautiful surrounding mountain scenery, the pink painted sunset we watched line the sky, the family bike rides we've taken through nature, or the repeated trips to the pool watching our four little ones play for hours. Yes, these things have brought me joy, but they are miniscule in comparison to the unseen work God is doing on my heart.


I have been struck repeatedly on this trip by the basic goodness of God. His hand of protection over my family. His mercy. His grace. His undeserved forgiveness for my lack of faith in Ariana’s life. I have been reminded multiple times over the past few days that God is just plain good. My circumstances do not change His goodness. My broken heart does not change His goodness. My fears, insecurities, doubts and unbelief do not change His goodness. See, God IS good. He doesn't "act" good or "allow" good things to happen. His very character IS goodness, and that will never change.


I have struggled for years with fear. Counseling, medication, different forms of therapy, positive self talk, breathing techniques, and numerous self help books have all been attempted to quell the anxiety that has been present every day of my life for at least the past 15 years. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have been unable to drive on the freeway for several years now. I've missed out on women's retreats, fun weekends away with girlfriends, playdates with friends from out of town and many other events as a result of the fear that has plagued me. I desperately wanted to take an out-of-country trip with Micah to celebrate our 10th anniversary this spring but settled for one night alone in our own house while my parents kept the kids at their house a few blocks away. I have been unable to even run up to Olympia to do errands by myself. Instead I have dragged my husband and 4 kids along for the ride because something as simple as driving 20 minutes to Costco alone was not an option.  


Last fall I had multiple blood tests done, urine tests, a chest x-ray, an ultrasound of my heart and abdomen, thyroid tests, a gallbladder function procedure, and an endoscopy and biopsy under sedation of my stomach. All these procedures were done to discover why I was constantly having digestive issues, stomach pain, shakiness, weakness, dizziness, and fatigue.  Final diagnosis?  Other than a small ulcer that was corrected with an over-the-counter medication in about 6 weeks, NOTHING.  No blood chemistry was off.  My vital organs were all healthy and functioning exactly how they were created to.   My thyroid was normal.  No gallstones.  Normal pee. No signs of cancer or serious disease anywhere in my body.  Ironically, within days of completing the tests and being given the “all clear,” my symptoms dissipated.  Completely.  Can you say, “anxiety?”


I have felt God speaking to me for quite a while regarding this issue.  He has asked me to trust Him.  To give up control (which technically is just the impression of control as we don’t really ‘control’ our lives anyway).  To spend more time seeking HIS desire for my life in regards to living a life bound by fear.  And I have not done what He asked.  Instead I have gripped tighter, attempted to control my circumstances to a greater degree, and practically “get over” my anxious thoughts.  I have not fallen flat on my face in utter desperation to petition God for a miracle.  I felt like if medication and therapy did not work, then I needed to just accept this as part of who I am.  Friends, if you hear nothing else, please hear this: God does not intend for us to live our lives bound by fear!  You probably aren’t as sinful as me.  Seriously. Your fears may be nowhere as intense as mine, but He wants us all to trust Him even in the “little things.”  Two nights ago I was cooking dinner, and I felt the presence of God so strongly.  I don’t want to get all weird on you, but I literally felt anxiety and fear lift off of me.  Gone.  Eradicated.  I wanted to put down the wooden spoon I was stirring the pasta with and drive somewhere, alone, just because I knew I could!  Micah and the kids were in the kitchen too and I was so struck by God’s presence that I was completely oblivious to anything else going on.  I was brought to my knees.  Thankful.  So, so thankful that He was doing a work on my heart.  I am very aware that this is not something I deserve.


The world is SO MUCH BIGGER than just me and my little circumstances.  I look back on times in my life when I was devastated--and believe me, there have been plenty of times—and am appalled by my reactions.  How in the world could I actually be angry with the very One who created me?  Who died on a cross, so that I could be set free from the bondage I live in?  Did you hear that?  Jesus died, NAILED TO A CROSS so that I could be set free from my anxiety.  Continuing to choose to live a life of bondage is discrediting the ultimate sacrifice God made.  That is very, very, humbling.


So what is the secret to this unmerited peace? Genuine thankfulness. A heart of gratitude. I am humbled that God cares enough about my character to allow trials to come in order that my faith may grow. I am clearly in need of greater refinement and sanctification in my life. If difficulties never presented themselves, how would I have a chance to grow? To trust? To submit to the One who sees the big picture?


I don’t anticipate feeling joy on Monday as I say goodbye to the baby I wanted to keep forever.  I can hear her cooing and babbling as I type this blog entry, and my heart is broken over the fact that those adorable baby sounds will not wake me up next week at this time.  My faith is being stretched to a level that is quite uncomfortable, yet I have such peace.

Our salvation is enough.  If God did NOTHING else for us, NOTHING else, we are still blessed!!!  Do you realize what we deserve?  It is not what we have been given!  Every time I fall short, every time I fail to acknowledge His grace in my life, every time I ignore Him and go my own way, I do not deserve that grace that He gives!  Repentance is such a gift.

May I live every day I have on this earth choosing to live set free.  Choosing peace. Choosing to trust God for the grace I need to make it through each day.