Living Generously

Let’s live generously, shall we?  Let’s be bighearted with our time, our resources, and dare I say it? Our money.  Let’s not hold on so tight to what we have been blessed with that we turn a blind eye to the needs around us.  Let’s not say, “Someday when I have more money, or more time, or more xxxx, I will give, help, serve.”  Let’s not become so accustomed to our way of living that we call our “wants” “needs,” and allow ungratefulness to sneak in and plant discontentment in our hearts.  Let’s not compare ourselves to our friends, our neighbors, or our coworkers.  Let us absolutely not define our worth in terms of our earthly possessions.

Let’s give until it hurts, with no strings attached.  Let’s think of others before ourselves.  Let’s not look at our day and build our agenda based on what WE think is important.

Instead, let’s wake up and say, “Lord, how can I join you in YOUR agenda for my day?  How can I be a blessing to others?  How can I share what you’ve blessed me with?”  Let’s be quick to listen and to respond to His prompting.  Let’s be observant to the needs around us!

What does this look like practically, you ask?

• Let’s go through the drive through and buy our friend a coffee, instead of one for ourselves.
• Let’s anonymously pay someone’s electric bill who we know is struggling.
• Let’s pay for a random stranger’s dinner bill in a restaurant.  
• Let’s have a yard sale and donate the profits to another family, instead of buying a new electronic device.
• Let’s sell our smartphone, go back to an archaic one, and donate the difference.
• Let’s show up at another mom’s house and watch her kids so she can go out for a little bit alone.
• Let’s give sacrificially.  Let’s think about how much we are “comfortable” giving, and then give twice that amount.
• Let’s ask Jesus how we can use our tax return to bless someone else, instead of using it on ourselves.
• Let’s find JOY IN GIVING!  Let’s not look at it as a chore or a burden, but as a blessing and a privilege!!
• Let’s not wait until we “have more money.” Let’s listen to what God’s asking of us now.

Let’s be slow to form assumptions.  Let’s be slow to accuse, and quick to give the benefit of the doubt.  Let’s try to understand. Let’s remember that God is righteous and just, and He is our defender.

Exodus 14:14 —The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

Let’s be quick to forgive.  Let’s extend the same grace to others that God continues to give us, though we surely don’t deserve it.  Let’s build others up.  Let’s use our tongues to encourage.  Let us not compete with each other!  For crying out loud, WE ARE ON THE SAME TEAM!

Let’s be real.  Not “Social Media” real, but “Real” real.  Let’s not make ourselves out to be better than we really are.  Let’s not portray our picture perfect family, void of struggles, messes, and challenges.  Let’s be honest.  Let’s tell it like it really is.  And let’s not criticize others along their journey.  Let’s not be afraid of being judged.  Let’s not live bound by perfectionism and fail to realize that others can often identify with us in the midst of our struggles.  

Let’s not grumble and complain when we reach roadblocks in life.  Let’s keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, the author of our faith.  Let’s try to keep eternal perspective.  Let’s allow our trials to build perseverance and character in us.  Let’s remember that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose.  Let’s be quicker to say, “Yes, Lord,” and to trust Him.  Let’s not become discouraged.  Let’s keep our eyes ON Him and OFF of our circumstances!

Praying that everyone who reads this feels edified and encouraged today!

Much love,

Kirsten

Reality

Once again, a year has passed without a blog post.  Life with 6 kids is busy!  I’ve had a lot on my heart about adoption lately, and I have felt prompted to write a post about some of the realities of adoption.

Let me start right out of the gun by admitting: adoption is HARD.  Yes, there are easy moments: sweet snuggles, “I love yous,” the look of accomplishment when she learns how to read, hearing her sing “Deedus Yuvs Me Diss I know” in the backseat while tears of gratitude stream down your face, or the pride of a 3-year-old when he tells someone, “My daddy police man!” And those are the things people love to see.  People of course love feeling warm and fuzzy and like adoption is just so easy but heroic and that the kids just come into your home and you love them and provide security for them and then they just morph into these sweet little angels who are so grateful for the stability you offer,  and your white picket fence and your 2 dogs and your minivan and the smile on your face and your ‘amazing patience’ must just mean that you are living your “happily ever after.”

But oh, how that’s not the case.  If you don’t want the truth, the soul-baring mess of a heart that is breaking, then don’t read on.  I’m about to get real.  REALLY real.

For every smile I put on away from home, there are multiple times I sprawl out flat on the floor of my bedroom in deep sobs after yet another ‘episode’ with one of our adopted kids.   I never knew it was possible for a 6 1/2 year old to be capable of the level of manipulation that we witness in our home so many times a day.

To have an almost first-grader who uses anywhere but the toilet to go to the bathroom is embarrassing.  Disgusting.  Smelly.  And it honestly makes me angry.

To have a daughter who was the answer to your prayers and you try and try to connect with her heart yet that bond still hasn’t come, is heartbreaking.

To beg Jesus for wisdom and guidance and discernment and all of the character traits needed to parent a child diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), and to still not feel like you have seen any progress, is humiliating.

To see other children in our home cry over one specific child breaking their special toys, acting aggressively towards them, or constantly cutting them down with her words, is exhausting.

To not find any sort of effective consequence for a child’s behavior is frustrating.  Recently I had taken all 6 kids for ice cream cones and everything was peachy keen until one child began telling another that she was ugly.  I told the offending child that her words were hurtful and unkind and I asked her how she would feel if someone said that about her.  Her response? “I don’t care.”  So I told this 6 1/2 year old that if she used those words again she would lose her ice cream.  Immediately following that, her eyes met mine in the rearview mirror and she proceeded to stare directly at me while repeating her unkind words to her sister.  I literally turned around, grabbed her cone and chucked it out the window of the car.  It didn’t phase her.  No remorse.  No being ‘bummed’ that she lost her cone.  No feelings of empathy towards the child who was crying so hard she couldn’t eat her own cone.  I was at such a loss.

As a woman, everything about me screams, “LOVE THE CHILDREN!  Love them!  Nurture them!  Shepherd them!  Teach them!”  But what if your child has been damaged and broken and though she doesn’t understand it, everything about her behavior says, “I hate you!  I hate this family!  I don’t love you!  I won’t let you in!”  And what if you’ve cried out to God 43,722 times for grace, compassion, healing for your daughter, emotional protection for everyone else in the home, for radical transformation of broken child in front of you, and after 4+ years the days are still so long and the nights feel too short and you just can’t get out of bed to face the reality of the hurt that stares you in the face begging you to fix it though her actions push you away?

And meanwhile you have 5 other babies to tend to and a house that needs cleaning and there is never enough money and you THANK THE LORD that your husband is amazing and scoops you up off of the floor yet again when he finds you and sees that you have no more tears to cry and you call yourself a failure of a mother and he speaks truth….and though he is quiet, FOR A MOMENT that truth penetrates deep into your heart and the lies that have been booming loud seem to dissipate and you wipe your face and head back downstairs to make dinner or fold the laundry or push someone “Higher!” on the swing or help with homework.

And once that day is over you crawl into bed and search for blogs from others who have adopted because there aren’t any friends you know of who have had a child diagnosed with RAD who struggle with similar feelings of failure that you do.  And if you don’t fall asleep reading the blog of a stranger, you open your Bible and read a few verses that encourage you and you know you should spend more time in the Word and less time beating yourself up but sometimes it is all you can do to just put one foot in front of the other to make it through the day with the brokenness of a 6 1/2 year old girl who needs nothing more than complete healing from Jesus.


I love this song by Matt Maher:


                                                        "Lord, I Need You"

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Chosen, Wanted, Loved

A year ago today in a rural hospital, a tiny babe was born.  She spent the next 5 weeks struggling to overcome hurdles no human being should ever have to endure.  Her tiny body experienced pain that not even the strongest narcotic could relieve entirely.  By all worldly definitions she was unplanned, unwanted, abandoned, and alone.  For those 5 weeks, doctors and nurses cared for her, but she had no physical presence of a Mama or Daddy there to whisper "Fight, baby girl! Fight!" into her ear.

However, she was definitely not alone.  Though her biological parents did not plan her, GOD DID.  While I poured my heart out to God the entire month of February BEGGING him to protect the child or children who would join our family that year, He was doing exactly that, without my knowledge.
We had no idea of her existence until she was a month old.  But!  God, the King of the Universe and the Father of all creation, had His hand on baby A's life from the moment she was conceived.  HE was there with her the entire time in the hospital.  He saw every blood draw.  He witnessed every injection of medication she needed.  He was right beside her as oxygen pumped into her lungs and heart monitors ensured staff were notified if anything was awry.  And a couple hundred miles across the state, He was preparing our hearts for her arrival.

I clearly remember sharing with a couple of friends how hard it was to wait.  To not have any idea what age, sex, or size the child(ren) would be was difficult.  The last several children in our home had been baby boys, and I had nothing for a baby girl.  (I take that back.  I DID have one little pink puffy winter coat.)  While Caleb and Daddy prayed for a baby boy, Caitlyn, Elianna, and I prayed for a baby girl.  And though many of you know that God answered the prayers of ALL of us last year, baby A would be the first to arrive.

We got the phone call about her placement on a Thursday evening, but she wasn't quite ready to leave the hospital and we arranged to meet her and pick her up on Monday morning.   Our 3 older kids were with us, and we waited in a small office while a nurse explained her discharge instructions and asked if Micah and I had any questions.  After signing a bunch of paperwork, she left the room to get the baby.  We moved into the lobby area and waited only a brief minute before a sweet, very alert, brown eyed girl, swaddled tight in a light pink thermal-knit receiving blanket was brought through the door. We didn't even know her name!  As much as I tried, I could not contain the tears.  My eyes flowed buckets over this amazing little fighter who was entrusted to ME to take care of.  Like many times over the last few years, I was humbled.  This wide-eyed beauty was coming home with ME?

I have a history of disqualifying myself from any sort of blessing.  My thoughts often frequently fall along these lines: We shouldn't take a vacation because we really haven't really worked hard enough to warrant a break.  We shouldn't increase our foster license to take another child because we aren't the most patient parents.  I shouldn't sit down and take a nap today because I should be cleaning the house instead.

You get the point.

Somehow along the line I linked good things in my life to how hard I "do" for Jesus.  And I always come up short.  I constantly feel like I don't do enough, read enough, pray enough, give enough, or sacrifice enough.  To be completely honest, it sucks to feel like I am always playing catch up.

And yet for whatever reason, God chose US as baby A's parents.  And he chose HER to be our daughter.  We have been entrusted with a gift.  Why He chose us?  I do not know.  I do know that I am a regular person.  A plain Jane.  I get angry.  I forget to call people back.  I'm late a lot.  I raise my voice.  My house still has lots of boxes waiting to be unpacked.  I have piles of laundry that I need to do.  My kids don't get baths often enough.  Sometimes I forget to pack their lunches.  But thank God, literally, that His grace fills in all the places I fall short.

The last 11 months with baby A have been an incredible roller coaster.  A not-so-fun game of "she's staying, she's leaving, she's staying, she's leaving."  But she is staying now.  Not going anywhere anytime soon.  :)  We love her dearly.  I do not feel any different about her than I do the children I birthed.  She is God's chosen daughter, a princess of the King!!

Baby A will get older.  She will make mistakes.  She will fall short.  And God will cover her sin with His grace, just like He continues to cover mine.  I cannot tell you how excited I am to teach her this!  To lavish love on her and tell her about the God who created the universe, and about how much more He loves her than I even do!

God is teaching me so much.  Showing me that His blessings are poured out over our lives because He loves us!  Oh, how He loves us all!  We have not earned His blessings.  We cannot "do" something to make His blessings come.  He is good, He is faithful, and He blesses us because He wants to.  He has chosen us as His children.

Baby A, God chose you.  He planned you.  We wanted you.  We waited for you.  We love you.

Bonding

It's been 3 weeks since a little wispy haired, blue eyed, adorable little boy walked through our door into his forever home.  Although I was ecstatic for him to become a part of our family, I had one significant apprehension.

Bonding.

Before foster care, I hadn't really put much thought into that word.  Bonding with my biological children was instant.  The bonds were strong.  They grew even greater over time.  It was completely natural  and took zero effort.  The concept of a child having difficulty "attaching" was nowhere in my frame of reference.

And then we got our first foster placement: a strong-willed, 2-year-old who was broken.  Very, very broken.

The bond was not immediate.  I did not have a warm, fuzzy feeling like "all was right in my world."  But I wanted to feel SOMETHING!  After all, this child had experienced a significant amount of neglect and loss in such a short little life that surely my heart should feel SOMETHING!  Compassion, sympathy, love?  After all, I had been pouring out my heart to God for YEARS over orphans!  I was THRILLED that our journey down this path was finally beginning, so why am I not feeling it?  And after a couple of weeks it hit me:

Surrender.

I was trying to make it feel the same as I felt for my other kids.  I expected that when a child walked through our door the bond would be instant and our love would be enough to heal every wound and we would all live happily ever after.

Funny, God doesn't always work the way we think He will.  In fact, He made it very clear to us in the beginning that this was His story, and we were along to be His hands and feet.  I can see in hindsight that had it worked out the way I envisioned it, I never would have realized my absolute need for Him.   I wouldn't have been desperate.  I would not have cried out to Him for help.  And I never would have seen the beautiful story that arose from the ashes of that first child to enter our home.  And oh, it's a beautiful story.  It's Elliana's story.  A story of surrender.  Of healing.  Of a blossoming 5 year old girl that I love and would die for.  It's the story of my daughter.

We have had 7 other babies in the last 2 1/2 years, and I gave my heart to each and every one of them. But they were just that: babies.  It is easy to love and bond with a tiny, helpless baby that depends on you to meet their needs.   But a toddler?  That could be different.

I knew God would meet me where I was at.  I knew He had asked us to open our home to this precious little boy, but I was afraid.  Scared.   Terrified, to be completely honest with you.  What if he didn't bond with us?  What if he was was too broken and rejected our attempts to love him?  Lord, please.  I can't do this again.  I just can't.  It is exhausting.  It is humbling.  It is heartbreaking.  It is frustrating.  I cannot question, once again, my very integrity.  I HAVE to know that he will bond with us.  That we will bond with him.  And that it won't be such a battle.  Please, Lord, I beg you.

He gave me no promises.  No assurance that it wouldn't be a struggle.  No vision of "happily ever after."  But He continued to remind me over and over that we were welcoming "the least of these" and that our love for this little boy was actually His love for this little boy.

I surrendered.  Again.  :)  THAT, I could live with.

It's been an interesting 3 weeks.  Unfortunately he has been quite sick, and thanks to an incredible pediatrician who wanted us to schedule a hearing test for him, we discovered that he has hearing loss in both ears.  :(  They are doing a medical procedure next week under anesthesia to see if that helps, and then we'll move forward with speech therapy from there.  He has very few words which we think is related to the hearing loss.  But boy, does he have quite the personality!  ;)  He runs around with the other kids, eats like a horse, pushes his trucks around, tries to be a helper, and sleeps like a champ!  (And bites the baby and gets into the dogfood and tries to climb on top of the fridge and screams louder than anything you can imagine, but who's keeping track?)

I said to Micah a couple of nights ago, "It's happening."  He kind of cocked his head and said, "What is happening?"  I said, "I am already noticing a strong bond with him."  When I put him to bed last night and rubbed his little head, I realized afterwards that I said, "I love you sweet boy!  Have a good sleep." And I meant it.  :)   I am sure that bond will continue to grow, but I went to sleep last night thanking God that something on this journey has been easy.

I am so, so grateful for God's grace.  Just a couple of months ago I was really questioning God's goodness to me.  I mean REALLY questioning it.  That's not a great thing to type, and as much as I'd like to deny it, it's the truth.  :(  A friend and I were talking recently about how God can come through and show Himself to us in such amazing ways, but how quickly we forget!  How quickly do our circumstances become our gauge of His faithfulness in our lives!   This should not be the way we live. As much as challenging circumstances should not define His faithfulness to us, easy circumstances should not define His blessing over us!  God is good.  God is faithful.  End. Of. Story.

Party of FIVE!

I finally have big kids at school and little kids napping.....so I can blog the story of how our family just grew again!  :)  

Last December, the same day Elliana's adoption was final, we said goodbye to the baby boy we'd had for the last year.  Little Manny returned home to his mama, and we were blessed when she asked us to be his Godparents.  It was nice to have some time to grow and bond as a new family of 5, and within a couple of months, we were ready to add a baby again.  We technically had 2 openings and thought FOR SURE we would get a call for a sibling group!  Kids almost always come into care in at least pairs, but we were only willing to take a group if both children were 2 or younger.  In early March we got the phone call for the sweet baby girl we have now, and we are hoping to move toward guardianship of her soon.

But someone was still missing.

I couldn't shake the fact that we were missing a little boy.  Caleb prayed many times for a brother, and we DID get multiple calls for potential adoptive placements, but they were all infant boys.  And handling 2 potentially special needs babies simultaneously is, well, not in my skills list.  ;)  So we continued to wait.  And we continued to get calls for babies.  And we continued to say no.  

Labor day weekend, we got a call for what we thought was a 7 month old boy who was available for adoption.  Our social worker was very enthusiastic, told us he had no developmental concerns and no drug exposure.  Though that sounded positive, STILL, he was 7 months old!  How could we do that?!  I told her I would talk to Micah and call her back.  I talked to Micah, and we both agreed it was a no.  But before I had a chance to call our social worker back, the Adoption Supervisor called me to say they had been mistaken, and that he was a YEAR and 7 months old!  "Oh!  That changes things."  :)  We said we would talk (pray) about it overnight and get back to her the next day.  

That night while laying in bed, I was too excited to sleep.  I asked God for direction and He led me to Mark 2.  The passage was titled "The calling of Matthew (Levi)."  It talks about Matthew being a tax collector and Jesus comes along and tells him to get up and follow Him and Matthew becomes one of His disciples.  The next morning when I called the social worker back, I realized I hadn't asked his name.  Her answer?  "Matthew."    I got chills!  Also, 2 years ago this month I was blogging my heart out over losing the very first foster baby we had.  Do you remember what HIS name was?  Matthew!  Talk about a God of redemption!!!

We agreed to move forward and set up a visit to meet him and ask questions.  

The initial visit went great and we kept him overnight the next weekend.  It was an obvious match from the start!  Micah and I prayed about it both individually and as a couple, and the answer was clear:  this was our son.  We asked the social worker what kind of transition would occur between us and his current placement.  Normally we would be looking at anywhere from a 4 to 8 week transition.  Her answer?  "How about you take him full time starting next weekend?"  "Um, sure!"  So last Friday, his very sweet, older foster mom brought him to us, his forever home.   She is a very kind lady and we are excited that she still wants to play a "grandma" role to this sweet little guy.

We are THRILLED.  Elated.  Overjoyed.  Blessed.  Ecstatic.  Shocked!  

The adoption process will still take 6 months to be complete.  In our state, a child has to be in your home for 6 months before an adoption can be finalized.  We are fine with that.  :)  We're just excited he is here!!  :)

And can you believe I have not taken ONE photo of him with my camera?!  I've taken a couple on my Ipad, but that's it.  Let's just say that life as a mom of 5 kids is BUSY.  :)  

Stay tuned for updates!

Breaking Free

It's been 3 weeks since my last post and A LOT has changed in those 3 weeks!  First, baby girl is still with us, and she won't be leaving us anytime soon.  Though our foster/adopt journey has obviously had unpredictable twists and turns, she is here for now and we are thrilled to be her Mommy and Daddy for even one more day.  That is another blog post for another time....but for now.....

I know you are probably wondering if my anxiety is still, in fact, gone.  Guess what?  It is!!!  :)  This is the craziest thing!  Really, you will probably all think I've fallen off the deep end and lost my mind, but but I have been so busy enjoying my newfound freedom that I haven't made time to blog.  ;)

I wish I had adequate words to paint a picture for you of the depth of anxiety I lived in.  Saying it was awful, impairing, tormenting, or even crippling, is not a severe enough description of the prison I lived in.

I had an opportunity to share my story at church a couple of weeks ago!  You can see it here:


http://www.cccog.com/#/media 

(Then click on 8/19/12, "The Resurrection." My part starts around the 26 minute mark, but it's a great sermon if you want to listen to the whole thing!  ;)




Though anxiety has been a lifelong affliction, it's intensity grew to a point of being debilitating only in the past few years.   Simple tasks like going to get groceries or running to the bank were anxiety provoking.  Events that others would view as fun, like taking a day trip to the beach, was stretching and not enjoyable.  Being away from the kids for more than a night was out of the question.

BUT PRAISE THE LORD, I HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!!  Set. Free.  And believe me, I cannot tell you how undeserved this is.  Seriously!!  There is NOTHING I did to deserve this freedom.  I have a nice long list of reasons why I do NOT deserve it!

I said "no" when God asked me to trust Him!  When He asked me to run to Him for peace, I instead kept my mind busy with things like housecleaning or chatting with a friend or reading blogs so I didn't have to face the reality of my shrinking world.  It took me over 5 years to see a even see a counselor because I was too afraid to ask for help and felt like a "good Christian" should just stop being anxious and move forward.

I absolutely CANNOT believe I lived like that for a good 12+ years!  And above all else, I can't believe I reached a point where I actually "made peace" with the fact that anxiety would just be a permanent part of my life.  PSH!  How in the world can you "make peace" with anxiety?!

Today I packed up the kids and drove up to Olympia to take them school clothes shopping.  I GOT ON THE FREEWAY AND DROVE THERE!  With NO anxiety.  Zilch.  None.  Not a second thought.  I drove there like I'd done it a million times.  I didn't have a panic attack.  I didn't wonder if I was going to have a heart attack and die and crash my car.  I didn't take my pulse a thousand times (or even once!). I didn't feel like my throat was swelling shut.  It was the most freeing feeling!  (Girlfriends, who wants to take a trip to Hawaii with me?!  OK, nevermind, if I'm going to take a trip with someone it should probably be Micah since we spent our honeymoon in Oregon instead of Europe like we had hoped because it was the only place acceptable we could drive to.)

I know this may seem silly to someone who has never dealt with anxiety before, but this has been the reality of my life and I hope you've learned by now that I do not pretty things up before I barf them onto the pages of my blog.  This is real life.  My life.  And my hope is that it will somehow, in some way,  encourage someone else in their struggle.

Anywho, I'm off to get some sleep.  Did I mention my insomnia is gone too?  I honestly did not think there was a correlation between the two but I have slept like a rock for the past 3 weeks!  :)

Nighty, night!  :)

The goodness of God

This has been an amazing vacation. Not because of the beautiful surrounding mountain scenery, the pink painted sunset we watched line the sky, the family bike rides we've taken through nature, or the repeated trips to the pool watching our four little ones play for hours. Yes, these things have brought me joy, but they are miniscule in comparison to the unseen work God is doing on my heart.


I have been struck repeatedly on this trip by the basic goodness of God. His hand of protection over my family. His mercy. His grace. His undeserved forgiveness for my lack of faith in Ariana’s life. I have been reminded multiple times over the past few days that God is just plain good. My circumstances do not change His goodness. My broken heart does not change His goodness. My fears, insecurities, doubts and unbelief do not change His goodness. See, God IS good. He doesn't "act" good or "allow" good things to happen. His very character IS goodness, and that will never change.


I have struggled for years with fear. Counseling, medication, different forms of therapy, positive self talk, breathing techniques, and numerous self help books have all been attempted to quell the anxiety that has been present every day of my life for at least the past 15 years. I am not exaggerating when I say that I have been unable to drive on the freeway for several years now. I've missed out on women's retreats, fun weekends away with girlfriends, playdates with friends from out of town and many other events as a result of the fear that has plagued me. I desperately wanted to take an out-of-country trip with Micah to celebrate our 10th anniversary this spring but settled for one night alone in our own house while my parents kept the kids at their house a few blocks away. I have been unable to even run up to Olympia to do errands by myself. Instead I have dragged my husband and 4 kids along for the ride because something as simple as driving 20 minutes to Costco alone was not an option.  


Last fall I had multiple blood tests done, urine tests, a chest x-ray, an ultrasound of my heart and abdomen, thyroid tests, a gallbladder function procedure, and an endoscopy and biopsy under sedation of my stomach. All these procedures were done to discover why I was constantly having digestive issues, stomach pain, shakiness, weakness, dizziness, and fatigue.  Final diagnosis?  Other than a small ulcer that was corrected with an over-the-counter medication in about 6 weeks, NOTHING.  No blood chemistry was off.  My vital organs were all healthy and functioning exactly how they were created to.   My thyroid was normal.  No gallstones.  Normal pee. No signs of cancer or serious disease anywhere in my body.  Ironically, within days of completing the tests and being given the “all clear,” my symptoms dissipated.  Completely.  Can you say, “anxiety?”


I have felt God speaking to me for quite a while regarding this issue.  He has asked me to trust Him.  To give up control (which technically is just the impression of control as we don’t really ‘control’ our lives anyway).  To spend more time seeking HIS desire for my life in regards to living a life bound by fear.  And I have not done what He asked.  Instead I have gripped tighter, attempted to control my circumstances to a greater degree, and practically “get over” my anxious thoughts.  I have not fallen flat on my face in utter desperation to petition God for a miracle.  I felt like if medication and therapy did not work, then I needed to just accept this as part of who I am.  Friends, if you hear nothing else, please hear this: God does not intend for us to live our lives bound by fear!  You probably aren’t as sinful as me.  Seriously. Your fears may be nowhere as intense as mine, but He wants us all to trust Him even in the “little things.”  Two nights ago I was cooking dinner, and I felt the presence of God so strongly.  I don’t want to get all weird on you, but I literally felt anxiety and fear lift off of me.  Gone.  Eradicated.  I wanted to put down the wooden spoon I was stirring the pasta with and drive somewhere, alone, just because I knew I could!  Micah and the kids were in the kitchen too and I was so struck by God’s presence that I was completely oblivious to anything else going on.  I was brought to my knees.  Thankful.  So, so thankful that He was doing a work on my heart.  I am very aware that this is not something I deserve.


The world is SO MUCH BIGGER than just me and my little circumstances.  I look back on times in my life when I was devastated--and believe me, there have been plenty of times—and am appalled by my reactions.  How in the world could I actually be angry with the very One who created me?  Who died on a cross, so that I could be set free from the bondage I live in?  Did you hear that?  Jesus died, NAILED TO A CROSS so that I could be set free from my anxiety.  Continuing to choose to live a life of bondage is discrediting the ultimate sacrifice God made.  That is very, very, humbling.


So what is the secret to this unmerited peace? Genuine thankfulness. A heart of gratitude. I am humbled that God cares enough about my character to allow trials to come in order that my faith may grow. I am clearly in need of greater refinement and sanctification in my life. If difficulties never presented themselves, how would I have a chance to grow? To trust? To submit to the One who sees the big picture?


I don’t anticipate feeling joy on Monday as I say goodbye to the baby I wanted to keep forever.  I can hear her cooing and babbling as I type this blog entry, and my heart is broken over the fact that those adorable baby sounds will not wake me up next week at this time.  My faith is being stretched to a level that is quite uncomfortable, yet I have such peace.

Our salvation is enough.  If God did NOTHING else for us, NOTHING else, we are still blessed!!!  Do you realize what we deserve?  It is not what we have been given!  Every time I fall short, every time I fail to acknowledge His grace in my life, every time I ignore Him and go my own way, I do not deserve that grace that He gives!  Repentance is such a gift.

May I live every day I have on this earth choosing to live set free.  Choosing peace. Choosing to trust God for the grace I need to make it through each day. 

Trust

This morning I woke up bright and early and opened my devotional.  This is what it said:

When things seem to be going all wrong, stop and affirm your trust in Me. Calmly bring these matters to Me, and leave them in My capable hands.  Then, simply do the next thing.  Stay in touch with Me through thankful, trusting prayers, resting in My sovereign control.  Rejoice in Me--exult in the God of your salvation! As you trust in Me, I make your feet like the feet of a deer.  I enable you to walk and make progress upon your high places of trouble, suffering, or responsibility.

Not My Idea of Vacation

For the past few months, we have been anticipating a wonderful summer vacation. Our agenda included spending 10 days in the glorious sunshine in Sunriver, Oregon....playing at the pool, riding bikes with the kids, taking morning trips to the bakery, nightly trips to the ice cream shop, and lots of relaxing. In June we sent an email to our social worker asking for an out-of-state travel authorization for baby girl. When asking for a court order, they normally only need you to give them two weeks’ notice, but we wanted to make sure we were prepared well in advance. Two days before our trip our social worker informed us that he was having a hard time getting the court order and that we needed to be patient while he worked to get it for us. Much to our frustration, receiving the authorization we needed took WAY longer than usual and we had to start our vacation 2 days late…..

We arrived at our vacation spot on Friday evening, unpacked the car, put away our groceries, and watched the Olympics before calling it a night. We went to bed tired, but anticipated waking up to a week of nothing but fun, fun, fun! Unfortunately I didn’t sleep well and was up earlier than planned. I checked our email and was shocked to see a message from our social worker letting us know that baby girl will be leaving us the day after we return home from vacation. Wait, what?! I’m sorry, did I read that right? Are you serious? The baby girl we’ve been moving towards guardianship of….THAT baby girl? She is leaving? Um, I think I’m just going to stay on vacation for the rest of my life and pretend I never read that email. If I delete it, then it never really existed in the first place, right?

 Micah was gone on an early morning bike ride and I struggled to maintain composure in front of the kids. But here’s the crazy thing! As much as my heart was breaking, I felt SUCH PEACE. My normal reaction in crisis usually goes something like this: shock, fear, tears, call a close friend, let my mind wander to all the terrible “what ifs,” cry a little more, think, “oh! I should probably pray!” Pray. Yes, you read that chronology correct. But this time was different. My reaction was: shock, peace, pray, surrender, more peace. It was crazy. I don’t know why my response was different this time, but it was. And I am holding on to that peace for dear life. My heart is so full for this 6 month old sweetie we had the honor of bringing home from the hospital. I love her. SO. MUCH. I love her like I birthed her. Like I anticipated her arrival for 9 months. Like there is no other baby in the world as precious as her. I know that may seem difficult to understand, but it is absolutely impossible for me to care for a baby without pouring my whole heart into that child. Micah and I believe that God’s desire is for us to be vessels of His love to the children He brings into our home. That means giving ourselves to them. Whole heartedly. No holding back. No self-protection. No “what ifs.” That is what we’ve done with Ariana—woken up each morning and loved her that day. And the next day. And the day after that.

We opted not to tell the kids until we get home because really? Why ruin their vacation? They love this peanut as much as we do and no one likes to be the bearer of sad news to their kids. Especially on vacation. We played in the pool yesterday and relaxed at our condo for a bit before heading into Bend for dinner. We went to our favorite dining spot (10 points for the first person to comment where that is! Haha) and enjoyed a yummy dinner. As we were getting ready to leave, a gentlemen I had seen a few tables away got up from his meal and came over to us. He said, “I am here with my family celebrating my 63rd birthday and I just had to come over here and tell you how well behaved your children are! I am so impressed! And this little cutie here (as he put his hand on baby girl’s head), my wife and I would adopt her if we could!” After I almost spit water out of my mouth in response to his “well behaved” comment, I instead said, “Thank you! We’d like to adopt her too if we could.”
I left it at that. No explanation that she is a foster child. No sob story about the news we’d been handed first thing that morning. He looked right into my eyes and as he left his hand on her head he said, “I don’t know if you know this or not, but there is a verse in the Bible: Jeremiah 29:11. It says: ‘For I know the plans I have for Ariana,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Plans for a hope and a future for Ariana.’ “ I almost collapsed right there in the middle of the restaurant. I was speechless (which for those of you who know me well, know that is a rare occasion).

 I, of course, know that verse well. If you were to scroll back to a blog post I wrote a couple of years ago, you would see that that very verse was the one God used to promise redemption to me after relinquishing my son for adoption. He spoke it to me 13 years ago. And He spoke it again to me last night.

 I fumbled my way out of the restaurant through tears and replayed the interaction with the man in the restaurant repeatedly on the car ride home. God DOES have a plan for Ariana. He IS protecting her. He knows our desire to keep her forever and who am I to think that MY plans are better than His? This whole thing isn’t about us anyway. I’ve said it before and I will say it again until I live and breathe it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: This is God’s story. He is allowing us to be a part of HIS plan. Not vice versa. This is not our plans with a little of God’s “tossed in.” The only thing we are called to do is love the children that are in our home TODAY. Not to worry about tomorrow. Not to wander off track into “what if land.” As long as we keep our eyes fixed on the One who is holding us all in His hands, then there is no need to fear.

 As we spend the rest of our vacation enjoying each moment we have with our little peanut, we are continuing to pray that God’s will would be done in her life, (as well as all of our lives) and that He will protect her from harm. Our hearts’ desire, of course, is that He will make a way for her to stay with us forever.

 One final thing I want to share with you: When we started the foster care journey, God gave us this verse as our family motto, and once again, I wrote about this in my very first blog post about beginning foster care: James 1:27- “Pure and lasting religion is this, to care for orphans and widows in their distress and to refuse to let the world corrupt you.” I texted a dear friend yesterday morning to let her know what was going on with the baby, and she wrote me back an encouraging message with that verse included. She reminded me that loving Ariana is what God has called us to do, and we will continue to do just that.

Relinquishment

Are there ever times in your life where you seem to come head to head with the SAME issue over and over again? Lately I've been wrestling with the issue of relinquishment....and in case you are wondering, that is a pretty way of saying control. Doesn't that sound nice? "I am really having a hard time relinquishing my circumstances to God." So much better than the ugly truth, which really is: "Actually I don't trust that God knows what He is doing in my life so I have decided to take as much control as I can over my circumstances, just to be safe." Not real cute now, is it? Now that we have that out on the table, it's time to play a little catch up on my lack of blogging for the past 6 months. :)

As I'm sure many of you know, we had the honor of adopting a precious little 4-year-old girl in December. I could blog numerous posts on the subject of Ellie's adoption, but the basics for now are: A. We love her dearly. B. Our biological kids love her and think of her as their biological sister. C. We are thrilled to be called Mommy and Daddy every day by this sweet gift from God. D. Having Ellie in our home has challenged us and stretched us in many, many ways. We have faced numerous circumstances and situations with her that have required absolute flat-on-our-faces desperation for wisdom that can only come from God Himself. We have had to throw out our agenda and plan to "fix" the brokenness. We have had to ultimately rely on God and trust that He knows what is best for Ellie. And believe me when I say we are praying for Him to reveal that plan to us, that we may be instruments of healing to her broken spirit. Relinquishment.

Within 12 hours of Ellie's adoption, Baby "M" who had been with us for the last 10 months returned home to his Mama. Although we felt good about where he was going, it was still difficult to see him leave. We decided not to take in any foster children through the holiday season, and it was a nice time to really bond as an "official" family of 5. We were blessed to spend Christmas in Sunriver, Oregon with my parents, sister, her husband, and little boy. :) The cousins had a great time making a ginerbread house, decorating the tree, playing games, watching movies, doing puzzles, and just spending time together. Christmas 2011 was a special one for us, marked by wonderful memories and a new beginning.

After the 1st of the year, we agreed to let DSHS know we were open to new placements. Our specific request was for a baby, or a sibling group that included a baby...and of course, we would love to have a child (or children) with adoption potential. After waiting for all of January and February with NO phone calls, I began to grow impatient. As much as I firmly believe that God hand picks each child that enters our home, even if for a day, my heart ached for the precious little one(s) that had yet to join us. I tried to envision who those kids were, where they were, how old they were, what their living situation currently looked like.....etc, etc, etc. See, I'm one of those people who wants to know how it is all going to work out in the end. I want to see the big picture. The end result. I want to know if I am going to be celebrating an adoption, or crying myself to sleep because that child returns home. But here's the deal! Knowing how it is "all going to work out in the end" doesn't give us the opportunity to trust God through the process! It doesn't require faith. It doesn't require relinquishment. It doesn't require submitting to HIS will for my life. And let's be real here: MY plan for my life has taken me nowhere fast. Down a slippery slope, into the pit of despair, finally realizing for the umpteenth time that my idea was not, in fact, a good idea.

I surrender.

March 2nd: we received a phone call from a social worker in Seattle asking if we were willing to take a precious newborn girl "temporarily" (most overused and delusive word by every social worker from DSHS, btw) while they looked for a placement closer to her home. "Um, OF COURSE!" SO, Monday morning we drove to Seattle to pick up this precious little bundle from the hospital and I was instantly in love. Like head-over-heels, completely smitten, unable to talk because I was so choked up-in love. I felt like I was seeing my own baby for the first time. This, my friends, is what I call THE DANGER ZONE. Falling in love with a baby that is not your own flesh and blood brings a plethora of risks. The risk of losing her in the end, the risk of losing her somewhere along the way, the risk of losing her at the beginning, the risk of becoming so jaded that we decide not to take in other children.

After having this little bundle of sweetness here for 2 weeks now, we have learned her story and some information that has caused us to take a step back and truly examine our hearts. Here is the deal: this baby girl will never be available for adoption. Never. Not now, not in 5 years, not in 15 years. I can't give the details so I will just have to call it "special circumstances." Most children that come through DSHS are required by law to have a permanent plan within one year of placement. That plan can be either adoption or return home, but that plan must be implemented within the first year to 18 months at the most from the time that child enters foster care. Unfortunately for us, the law says that this baby girl will never have a plan that is truly permanent. I guess that irrevocable is probably a better word than permanent. But if we are going to keep her in our home, we have to relinquish the hope that she will ever bear our last name...that she will ever be officially adopted through the court system...that we will ever have the security of knowing that she can never be taken from us. We have to surrender to the fact that God has numbered her days in our family, whether that be 15 days or the rest of her life. I'm going to let you in on a little secret: this is not a place I want to be. I WANT the security. I WANT the permanency. I WANT to know that 10 years from now when we are minding our own business and just living our lives with her that some random relative can't just show up out of the woodwork and decide they want her, taking her from our arms without the opportunity to ever see her again.

But that is not going to happen. Unfortunately, because of "special" circumstances, we will never be given that assurance.

God has asked us to commit to her for as long as we have the privilege of keeping her, and this is not a stretch for me. I love this package of cuteness as much as I loved Caleb and Caitlyn at her age. I love how her little legs stay curled up when I pick her up and put her on my shoulder. I love the little grunts and noises she makes when she is lying in her bassinet next to my side of the bed. I love when her binky falls out and her tiny little lips keep on sucking like the binky is still there. :) I love watching the 3 big kids argue over "who gets to feed her next" or "who gets to give Mommy the diaper and wipes." I know now, more than ever, that I was made to love babies. :) And it is not a difficult job to have.

What becomes difficult is the thought of investing my whole heart into her, only to have my heart ripped out of my chest if she leaves.

I hope you are reading that the ONLY common denominator in the risks and wants that I have listed, is the word "I." That one little letter that turns every statement into one of selfishness and introspection.

If I FULLY believe that God is in control, that He hand picks the children that enter our home and numbers their days, then WHAT DO I HAVE TO FEAR? What do I have to lose? Is this journey about ME? About the risk to MY heart? About ME loving and losing? I wager that it is not.

After hours of soul-searching these last 2 weeks, I have had several of those "Aha!" moments. I put a notepad by my bed to write down some of my revelations that have come at all hours of the night. This was the first thing I wrote last week: I cannot overcome fear without being faced with circumstances that cause me to address it.

Bingo. I think I still have a little work to do in the fear category.

I also started to question taking baby "A" in the first place. I muttered a prayer under my breath and said, "God, if I had known from the beginning that we would never have the chance to adopt her, and that she had these 'special circumstances,' I don't think I would have said yes." And as clear as day I sensed His response: "I gave you the information you needed at that time to make a decision." Whoah. Um, ok. He knew we wouldn't find out about her special circumstances until after we fell in love with her.

Relinquishment.

So here I sit. It is 10:15 pm and it has taken me 3 hours to write this blog post. I have debated over how much to say, and how much to hold back. I have struggled to really, really believe that God is protecting all of us and that His plan is better than mine. I want to take baby girl and run away to some deserted island and live our lives happily ever after. But that is not going to happen.

I am going to tell you what IS going to happen though.

I AM choosing to believe that it is worth it. I AM choosing to pour my whole heart into baby girl without the promise of anything in return. I AM choosing to believe that this is not about me; my heart, my will, my plan. We did not start this journey of taking children into our home to get something out of it, and we are not going to end it by making it about us now. I am going to trust God for every beating heart that is sleeping under the Rose family roof tonight.

I have no control over how long baby girl will be with us. I have no control over how long Caleb, Caitlyn, or Elliana will be with us. Each day with each child is a gift. We are to cherish every moment we have with them...not to live in fear that today could be their last day, but to ultimately look up to God and say, "I surrender!" Our children are HIS children. And if I ultimately take myself out of the equation, I have nothing to lose. Nothing to risk and everything to gain.

One final quote I saw online somewhere: I am not saying it is going to be easy, but I am saying it is going to be worth it.

Amen.

Poopoo Man

I was looking through photos from last summer and stumbled across this one. After laughing hysterically to myself, I decided I might as well post it for y'all to get a good laugh too. :) Last July our kids participated in a day camp at Westwood Baptist Church in Olympia called Summer Hummer. It was A-MAZING! Micah and I were camp counselors to a group of 9 very active 3rd and 4th grade boys who kept us on our toes from 8:00 every morning until about 4:30 every afternoon. We had the privilege of having a little boy from China in our group who spoke very little English. He was very shy, hesitant to participate in the activities, and kind of just kept to himself. WELL, after 5 days of being around the other crazy boys, I can tell you this: There is a universal language among 9 year olds! And that, my friends, is bathroom humor. On Friday afternoon, after remaining quiet ALL WEEK, I witnessed our little Chinese friend, with all of the other boys standing around him, soaking up every ounce of attention they were giving him and this journal he had been carrying around all week. After the boys ran off to participate in an activity, I inconspicuously tiptoed over to the open journal on the ground, and THIS is what I found: Friends, meet "Poopoo Man."

Like father, like son

Micah in 2nd grade. Caleb in 2nd grade.

Is that CRAZY or what?!

Clammin' and a ticket

A month or so ago, we went to Tolmie State park with all 4 of the munchkins. The trip was especially exciting for Caleb who noticed people digging in the sand on the hunt for clams. He tried his hand and dug up a few himself, but we were unsure of the shellfish laws and told Caleb we couldn't keep any because that would be dishonest. It was a tough lesson for him on integrity, but he made the right choice and put them back. We promised him we would take him clamming another time when we knew it was legal. ;) So after doing a little research, we found out that kids under 15 can take up to 40 butter/steamer clams a day from this beach and they do not need a license. A more thorough check on the Department of Health website affirmed that there were no health warnings in effect. SO, off we went to the beach. Caleb toted his little plastic yellow bucket and garden shovel. I CANNOT believe I didn't bring my camera!!! At least I captured some photos of his success: 11 steamer clams that he personally cleaned and steamed in garlic butter. He was SO proud of himself!

Trying the "neck."

Not so sure.....

"Hey Dad! Do you eat this black part?"

Don't they look *delicious?* ;)

Caitlyn trying her share...which she surprisingly loved!

Caleb shared a couple of his clams, but slurped down the rest himself. We just finished dinner about 1/2 hour ago, and he is already asking when we can go again. :)

Speaking of integrity, when we got back to our car we had a ticket on our window for not having a "discovery pass." Oops! We honestly did not know we needed to purchase one and the Park Ranger happened to be near our car when we returned to it. After a brief conversation with Micah, it somehow came up that we were foster parents. The ranger ripped up our ticket, handed it back to Micah and proceeded to thank Micah for our sacrifice as foster parents .

Even though that gesture probably seems like a small thing to most of you, the last few months have included many dark, challenging days with our Ellie and it blessed my heart to just know that someone recognized the challenge and the sacrifice we are making. As I've stated before, our hearts for foster care are not to receive accolades or pats on the back, but once in a while, when I've felt especially discouraged, it seems as though there have been strategic conversations and little words of encouragement that have kept us pressing forward. Today, that encouragement came in the form of clams and a ripped up ticket. <3

A rough day

I know I frequently post photos on facebook of the kids and our "happy moments"--trips to the beach, riding bikes, birthday parties, playtime with friends, etc. We have many happy times that I love to capture with my camera, and I also have a little journal where I write down the crazy (and embarrassing) things the kids say. :) And as much as I like to chronicle the positive things in our lives, like any family--the reality is, there are rough times too.

Yesterday was a hard day. A day that left me worn out. Sad. Hurting for my sweet Caitlyn. Here is what happened:

Caitlyn decided that she wanted to surprise me by making my bed....a challenging task for a teeny tiny like her. She asked me to leave my bedroom while she "worked on something." I stood outside the door for a minute and listened as she talked herself through the steps of making a bed. "Put on the sheet.......ugh! Ow! This is hawd (hard)! Get the blankets! After a minute or so of hearing her wrestle to get the sheets, blankets, duvet, duvet cover (yes it is July but we are still FREEZING!) up off of the floor and onto the bed, I smiled to myself and went downstairs, pleased with my baby girl and her tender heart. Ellie wanted to know what she was doing and went upstairs to help, but Caitlyn asked her to leave because she wanted to "do it by herself." Without much resistance, Ellie went into her bedroom which is next door to ours and I could hear her playing happily.

After about 15 minutes, Caitlyn came downstairs to get me, took me by the hand, and made me close my eyes while she led me upstairs. She was SO tickled to show me her surprise! But unfortunately, the next few minutes did not go as she had planned. After Caitlyn came downstairs to get me, Ellie, who was apparently mad at Caitlyn, went into our bedroom, pulled all of the sheets and blankets off of the bed, threw them onto the floor, and as Caitlyn opened the bedroom door to surprise me, there was Ellie, jumping on the heap of blankets on the floor mocking with the jingle "neener, neener, neener!" Caitlyn burst into tears and Ellie laughed harder. Caitlyn was heartbroken. I was heartbroken for Caitlyn.

I picked Ellie up, put her in her bed, and made her stay there for an hour. I knew that a time out wouldn't work. I knew that taking away a privilege wouldn't work. I knew that making her apologize to Caitlyn wouldn't work. Unfortunately, I wasn't sure what would work. I was at the end of my rope. If this was the first time something like this had happened, I might have had a little more patience. A little more grace. But this is something that happens pretty regularly and it is taxing on this Mama. After putting Ellie in her bed, I went back, picked up Caitlyn, and just held her while she cried. I ran my fingers through her hair and cried along with her. When kids hurt, Mommies hurt too. What Ellie had done was premeditated, and mean.

God has called us to this journey. It is not an easy one. Yes, it is rewarding. Yes, there is peace knowing we are in His will for our lives. But the reality still remains: this is HARD. Some days are harder than others. Some days we see a glimmer of hope and that glimmer is what keeps us pressing forward. We love Elliana dearly and are SO thankful she is going to be a permanent member of our family. But sometimes, when I am laying in bed and all my kids are sleeping, I question the cost. I have moments where I say, "Are you sure I have the patience and grace I need to do this, Lord? Are you sure I am capable? Do you really think I have what it takes to do this?" Thankfully, those moments are frequently followed by a word of encouragement, an applicable Bible verse I stumble upon, or a breakthrough I see in one of our kids.

I feel challenged today. Desperate for Jesus to give me strength and perseverance. Desperate for our little Ellie to know deep in her heart that she is unconditionally loved and that we will never abandon her or treat her any different than our other kids. We want her to feel safe. Secure. Cherished. Adored. Precious.

If you think of us, would you pray for us? We would continue to appreciate your prayers for strength, wisdom, and guidance as we try to fumble our way through this journey. God has been so gracious to entrust His us with these precious children and we can use all the wisdom we can get as we try to raise them for His glory. Thank you! <3

4th of July Celebration!

We had a jam-packed, super-fun, hot, wild, day! Micah started off by participating in the "SWAT challenge" at our local park. He placed 2nd for his age group! :) Meanwhile, the kids and I took ooey, gooey cinnamon rolls over to Woggie and Pop Pop's house for breakfast. We then spent time playing on the slip and slide, BBQing burgers and hot dogs, eating popsicles, and laying in the hammock! After lunch we headed downtown for the 4th of July parade where the kids loaded up their bags with all sorts of confectionary treats! After the parade, we headed up to some friends' house for yet another BBQ. We ended the night by watching fireworks with our friends, then stopping on the side of the road on the way home to watch the fireworks at the fairgrounds! :) A long, but fun day!

Elliana Joy

Here is a photo of our little Ellie when we first got her (March 2010). When I look back at the photos I have of her from the first few months she was with us, most of them look like this--flat, void of emotion, indifferent. It is honestly hard to look at them sometimes as it is a glaring reminder to me of all that had transpired in her little life in the months leading up to her arrival with us. However! God has done an amazing work in her and in all of us and we have some exciting news to share! From the day we got Ellie, we said we would adopt her if that ever became an option. We attended every meeting at DSHS we could, were present at every court hearing regarding her, and have known for quite sometime that adoption was "likely." In court last July, the judge changed Ellie's "permanent plan" to adoption, but we also knew that we had to let the case run it's course and that there were no guarantees. We had court again just last Thursday and although we were confident the judge would not be returning Ellie to either biological parent, a little "snag" knocked our case back a bit and we were discouraged that it would still be many months before she was legally free (officially 'available' for adoption) and another year or more after that before our adoption was finalized.

Then, in nothing short of a MIRACLE, we were informed that she is legally free, um, NOW!!! I cannot even begin to express how overjoyed we feel! Both parents have relinquished their legal rights and Ellie will be part of our "forever family" just as soon as we can have our adoption homestudy completed! We are seriously so baffled that this happened so quick! It is definitely NOT what we had expected!

I love how God works. I love that He knows the desires of our hearts. I love that He knew the timeline all along, and chose to bless us and surprise us by expediting the process. I love that our little Ellie is growing, thriving, showing empathy, smiling, learning to obey, fun, energetic, full of life, and becoming teachable.

(Ellie-Spring 2011)

We love you SO MUCH, Elliana Joy. We are thrilled to be your family. You have already taught us so much about love, grace, and redemption and we are honored and humbled to be your Mommy and Daddy.

Playing Catch Up!

Sorry for the delay in blog posts, friends, but this Mama has been busy. Like really busy. Like end-of-the-school-year-with-one-homeschooler-and-one-public-school-preschooler-and-one-Christian-School-Kindergartener-busy. Oh yeah! And busy with this adorable little guy.....

Isn't he a cutie? He'll be hangin' with us for a while. We're happy to love on him while we can.

Let me just say, for the record, that having 4 kids is a real hoot! Micah and Caleb just got home this evening from an overnight fishing trip and I had just the "big girls" and the baby....I told my mom I couldn't believe how easy 3 kids felt! And Caleb (the one who was gone) is even my biggest helper! It is amazing how much your parenting "muscles" grow as each child is added.

In other news, our Caitlyn turned SIX years old last month. How in the world did that happen? I am pretty sure that I was JUST snuggling with my sweet baby girl in the rocking chair before laying her down in her crib for the night. Wasn't I? She wanted "rainbow" cupcakes for her birthday party at school so I made these for her. Since I am FAR from "Suzy Homemaker, I have to say I was pretty impressed with how these turned out! ;)

Unfortunately, Caitlyn woke up on her birthday with Strep for the 3rd (or was it the 4th?) time in 10 weeks, so she didn't get to have a birthday party at school that day. She did, however, get a birthday doughnut for breakfast.

Yes, those are Christmas jammies, and yes, this was in May. But it was the kid's birthday and I wasn't going to argue with her over footed jammies. Plus, she was so kind and gracious to share with the rest of the family on HER birthday. That's right--she gave the other 3 kids and Mommy her Strep Throat! Wasn't that nice of her to share?! Our counter then looked like this....

I think we're outta' the woods now. These drugs kicked Strep to the curb and after repeated toothbrush changes, investing in stock for Clorox wipes and a junk drawer full of hand sanitizer, I am confident our house is germ free (at least for now)!

OK, one more photo. Aren't these 4 precious? This is such a classic photo of Ellie. :)

This weeks edition of "YOU MIGHT JUST"

Well, here you have it, folks. Due to popular demand, another edition of "you might just....."

*After getting the kids to bed, tidying the house, folding some laundry and then sitting down to snuggle up and watch a movie on the couch, YOU MIGHT JUST be disgusted when you realize your dog has barfed right next to the couch, on the ONLY rug in your house!

*YOU MIGHT JUST be REALLY ticked off, when she does it AGAIN, at the other end of the same rug a few minutes later!

*When driving down the freeway and hearing child #3 yell, "Mommy! Look at my private!" YOU MIGHT JUST spit out the water you were drinking all over your steering wheel and say, "I'm sorry, WHAT did you say, Sweetie?"

*When she repeats herself as children #1 and #2 don't know whether to laugh or be mortified, YOU MIGHT JUST look in the rearview mirror to see child #3 with a wrapper she turned into a PIRATE mask. YOU MIGHT JUST realize that she doesn't actually mean "private," she means "pirate." YOU MIGHT JUST breathe a sigh of relief that for once, your precious children did not discredit your motherly capabilities by shouting these embarrassing comments in public!

*When taking your kids to a place filled with bouncy houses, slides, and tubes to crawl through, YOU MIGHT JUST want to give your prone-to-motion-sickness child some drammamine BEFORE you go. Oh! AND, you might not want to give that kid a double cheeseburger and fries in the parking lot before heading inside.

*If you don't, YOU MIGHT JUST find that other parents and kids will quarantine you upon their discovery that your child is in fact throwing up that cheeseburger and fries all over himself.

*When your witty 8-year-old begs you to play April Fools jokes on him this year, YOU MIGHT JUST do a little internet research to come up with some *creative* and *hilarious* pranks to play on him. And when he wakes up on the morning of April 1st, YOU MIGHT JUST chuckle to yourself at the tricks up your sleeve. However, when sitting at the dinner table that night, YOU MIGHT JUST feel terrible as your 8-year-old sits there sobbing as a result of a joke you played on him. He MIGHT JUST be incredibly disappointed after Mommy told him, "Now sprinkle some salt on top of this plate of pudding and then put your hand over it.....the heat from your hand will turn the pudding into rainbow colors!" And when he looked at Mommy, in awe, and excitedly put his palm over that plate... WHACK! Mommy squished that little hand right into the pudding!

*After patting yourself on the back for the creative April Fool's jokes you played on your kids, YOU MIGHT JUST discover in the weeks following that your children think it's HILARIOUS to play April Fools jokes on you. Can you say "reaaranged dresser drawers and chocolate pudding smeared on the toilet seat?"

*Finally, after cleaning up after the previously mentioned dog that barfed on the carpet, YOU MIGHT JUST think you are still smelling "dog smell" for the rest of the night. You might finish that movie you were watching, fall asleep on the couch, and then wake up a couple hours later to drag yourself to bed. And as your head hits that nice feather pillow, YOU MIGHT JUST somewhat coherently say, "Honey? Call me crazy, but I swear that I still smell dog pee or something!" Your husband MIGHT JUST say he doesn't smell anything, until he puts his head down on his pillow and realizes that THAT STUPID DOG had jumped up on our bed and PEED on BOTH OF OUR PILLOWS! Seriously?! What kind of potty trained dog jumps up on your bed, pees on your pillows, and then acts like everything is normal?

Stay tuned for next week's edition. I'm sure I will have several *wonderful* moments to reflect upon. :)