Breaking Free

It's been 3 weeks since my last post and A LOT has changed in those 3 weeks!  First, baby girl is still with us, and she won't be leaving us anytime soon.  Though our foster/adopt journey has obviously had unpredictable twists and turns, she is here for now and we are thrilled to be her Mommy and Daddy for even one more day.  That is another blog post for another time....but for now.....

I know you are probably wondering if my anxiety is still, in fact, gone.  Guess what?  It is!!!  :)  This is the craziest thing!  Really, you will probably all think I've fallen off the deep end and lost my mind, but but I have been so busy enjoying my newfound freedom that I haven't made time to blog.  ;)

I wish I had adequate words to paint a picture for you of the depth of anxiety I lived in.  Saying it was awful, impairing, tormenting, or even crippling, is not a severe enough description of the prison I lived in.

I had an opportunity to share my story at church a couple of weeks ago!  You can see it here:


http://www.cccog.com/#/media 

(Then click on 8/19/12, "The Resurrection." My part starts around the 26 minute mark, but it's a great sermon if you want to listen to the whole thing!  ;)




Though anxiety has been a lifelong affliction, it's intensity grew to a point of being debilitating only in the past few years.   Simple tasks like going to get groceries or running to the bank were anxiety provoking.  Events that others would view as fun, like taking a day trip to the beach, was stretching and not enjoyable.  Being away from the kids for more than a night was out of the question.

BUT PRAISE THE LORD, I HAVE BEEN SET FREE!!!  Set. Free.  And believe me, I cannot tell you how undeserved this is.  Seriously!!  There is NOTHING I did to deserve this freedom.  I have a nice long list of reasons why I do NOT deserve it!

I said "no" when God asked me to trust Him!  When He asked me to run to Him for peace, I instead kept my mind busy with things like housecleaning or chatting with a friend or reading blogs so I didn't have to face the reality of my shrinking world.  It took me over 5 years to see a even see a counselor because I was too afraid to ask for help and felt like a "good Christian" should just stop being anxious and move forward.

I absolutely CANNOT believe I lived like that for a good 12+ years!  And above all else, I can't believe I reached a point where I actually "made peace" with the fact that anxiety would just be a permanent part of my life.  PSH!  How in the world can you "make peace" with anxiety?!

Today I packed up the kids and drove up to Olympia to take them school clothes shopping.  I GOT ON THE FREEWAY AND DROVE THERE!  With NO anxiety.  Zilch.  None.  Not a second thought.  I drove there like I'd done it a million times.  I didn't have a panic attack.  I didn't wonder if I was going to have a heart attack and die and crash my car.  I didn't take my pulse a thousand times (or even once!). I didn't feel like my throat was swelling shut.  It was the most freeing feeling!  (Girlfriends, who wants to take a trip to Hawaii with me?!  OK, nevermind, if I'm going to take a trip with someone it should probably be Micah since we spent our honeymoon in Oregon instead of Europe like we had hoped because it was the only place acceptable we could drive to.)

I know this may seem silly to someone who has never dealt with anxiety before, but this has been the reality of my life and I hope you've learned by now that I do not pretty things up before I barf them onto the pages of my blog.  This is real life.  My life.  And my hope is that it will somehow, in some way,  encourage someone else in their struggle.

Anywho, I'm off to get some sleep.  Did I mention my insomnia is gone too?  I honestly did not think there was a correlation between the two but I have slept like a rock for the past 3 weeks!  :)

Nighty, night!  :)