Happy Birthday!

Happy, happy birthday to our sensitive, kind, smart, witty, creative minded Caleb! Mommy and Daddy love you so much and are so proud of the little boy you are!

Back to "Normal"

I realized a few days ago that it has been quite a while since I posted a "baby" update on our blog. 6 months ago today, we picked up the precious baby from the hospital that would forever hold a place in our hearts. Though we didn't know what the future would hold, we poured everything we had into this sweet baby boy: we loved him, bonded with him, and treated him as though he was our own. If you've followed our blog, you know how the story goes....Baby went to live with another foster family along with his siblings, and our hearts were hurting. But! I am SO, SO, SO thankful to say that God truly has healed our hearts, given us perspective, and carried us through. Though it is not something I believe we will ever "get over," we have "gotten through" it and have reached a place where we are just incredibly blessed for the 3 months we were able to provide Baby with a loving, nurturing home.

The foster Mom who has Baby has been so kind, compassionate, and gracious--even sending us photos of him and letting us say "hi" when we run into her at different places. :) This mom knows first hand what it is like to lose a foster child, and I believe that God knew that her compassion towards me would be instrumental in my healing process. It is nice to be able to see Baby once in a while and know that it doesn't sting anymore like it did at first.

We have moved through all of the stages of the grief cycle and have finally come to acceptance. :) Friends, this is truly a work of God--the devastation I felt in those first few weeks was intense, and most nights I felt like I would be heartbroken forever. It was helpful to just let the emotions come and go, and not try to suppress my grief. Poor Micah- one minute we would be sitting there laughing about something silly one of our big kids said, and in the next minute, I would be sobbing hysterically! I'm sure he thought I was nuts! ;)

We decided not to take any new foster kids through the holidays, and to just enjoy a time of rest with our little family. We had such a blessed Christmas season--full of joy, peace, and celebration! We also had court during the last week of December for our "Little Miss." Thankfully, the judge ruled for the permanent plan to remain adoption. We are one step closer to making her a permanent member of our family! Also, we are pleased to announce the name we are going to call her: Eliana (pronounced Ellie-on-uh). I know I can't post what her current "real" name is, but trust me: it does NOT go with our last name. It sounds, well.....how do I say this tastefully......cheap? We have already been calling her a combination of Ellie and her current name so it isn't an abrupt switch.

Eliana means "God has answered." And God HAS answered. He knew our desire for more children. He knew how much our big kids wanted younger siblings. He answered our prayers-- with little Eliana.

We are looking forward to 2011, and are curious who will be joining our family this year! Whether it be for a few days, or forever, I am more confident now than I ever was before that God decides who he places in our care, and for how long. We consider it an honor to be able to play ANY part in the lives of the children He entrusts us with.

Our lives are feeling "normal" at the moment. Our days have routine, and the chaos has settled. I hesitate to type that, though, because I just know that the minute I click "publish" on this blog post, "normal" is going to go flying out the window! Haha! Doesn't it usually work that way? We will probably get a phone call in the middle of the night for triplets or something. :) Oh well, if God asks us to do it, I'm sure we can handle it! On that note, goodnight!

Merry Christmas 2010 from the Rose Family! :)

Soon, very soon, we should be able to post a REAL photo of all 3 kids! :)

The death of "What could have been"

The last few weeks have been smooth sailing here in the Rose household. Snow, a break from school, a wonderful Thanksgiving with 35 family members, and preparations for Christmas have brought fun and joy into our home. Gratefulness and a recognition of God's grace in our lives have kept us pressing ahead. The healing of our hearts has also been evident, and the sadness I had been feeling was taking a back seat.

However, a couple of nights ago, I feel like I took a few steps backwards in terms of where my heart was in the healing process with Baby. It had been several days since he had crossed my mind, and a couple of weeks since I had felt any strong presence of grief. But---I had a dream. A dream that there had been a terrible mistake and that the state realized that they were supposed to leave Baby in our care. They were returning him to us. Permanently. I was overjoyed and ecstatic---sobbing hysterically to Micah in my dream that I was glad I was "waking up from the nightmare" I was having and that he coming back to us.

Then I woke up. And proceeded to then cry hysterically that I WAS in fact waking up from a nightmare and that it was all a mean joke. A mean, cruel, joke, played on me by the enemy to kick me while I was down. To try and get me to live in a state of defeat. sorrow. hopelessness.

And then, I had to laugh. I know Baby is where he belongs. I know that God has a plan for our family and I can see a vision of my little family huddling together, with God's hands outstretched over us. He is protecting us. Watching out for us. He's got our back. And where the light of Jesus is---the enemy has to flee. He is not welcome to bring unwarranted attacks against me and my family. I stand in victory in THE LORD JESUS CHRIST! :)

Grief is a cycle. Supposedly, one moves from denial, to bargaining, to anger, to acceptance. I've been through all 4. Denial that we were losing him. Bargaining with God to get him back. Totally ticked at God for allowing him to leave. Surrendering to God that His will is best.

The hardest part currently is a "death of what could have been." I have a little more insight now on friends who have had miscarriages. I never could relate to that before, and to be honest--I never could understand how big of a deal it was. I get it now, though. It IS a big deal. The grief I've dealt with is not so much a "loss of Baby." It's the loss of "what could have been." It's a loss of his first birthday, of Christmas, of all the other "firsts," and of watching him grow up.

It all comes back around to surrender. Surrendering to the One who has the Master Plan. And you know what? Surrender is an active, constant choice. I can choose to surrender, or I can choose to wallow in anger and self pity. This girl's choosing to move ahead. Choosing to trust. Choosing to obey. Choosing to not dwell in sorrow over what could have been.

One Month

One month ago today, we walked out our front door with 4 children, and walked back in with 3.

One month ago today, I parted with the baby I thought was going to be part of our "forever" family.

One month ago today, I tried my best to explain to the other kids that God had a plan for Baby, and that plan was for him to live somewhere else.

One month ago today, I yelled at God and demanded understanding. I wanted to know WHY He would allow us such heartache after all we had invested into one of HIS precious children.

It's been one month, now. The flower arrangements different friends gave us have died, the little cards of encouragement have stopped, time has moved on, and our hearts have come to a place of acceptance. God doesn't ask us to LIKE everything that happens in our lives, but He asks us to TRUST that He will work all things for good for those who love Him. And since we love Him, we know that He is protecting us, keeping us safe, and doing what is best for us.

Our perspective has changed significantly in the past month. After 2 weeks, we ran into Baby and his new foster family at a public location. His foster mom brought him over to us and he immediately grinned from ear to ear at the sound of our voices. He recognized us. I climbed back into the car and burst into tears. I missed him. I wanted him back. Later that night I said to Micah, "You know that I am not going to be able to do this again, right? The only way I could EVER part with another baby EVER again is if God says we are to do this again, and I sure don't think He is!"

A lot has transpired from that moment until now. I have purposefully not blogged about it because I wanted to KNOW that I KNOW that what I am about to say was from God. After two weeks without budging, I am convinced.

God is asking us to risk all. Again. To open our hearts. To open our home. To welcome HIS precious children, and to trust Him. We now feel like we are to say "yes" to the children, whether there is a "strong chance" they will be adopted or not. God has asked us to be willing to also do short-term foster care, and to entrust our family to Him. He knows who will become permanent members of our family, and who will just be here for a short time. He is asking us to love with all of our hearts, and to show the children in our care the love He has for them. We will love them all as our own children, for however long that may be. And we will trust Him, even if that means the next 20 babies that enter our home end up leaving. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is in control of our lives. And I also have surrendered the right to understand. I know that when I am not surrendered to His will, I am miserable. Defeated. Hopeless. Angry.

Thankfully, THANKFULLY, God is seated on His throne, and He is faithful to complete the work He started in us. We do not know what the future holds for us, but we know that as long as we are surrendered to His will in our lives, we will have peace with where He takes us.

I can hardly believe it.

Seriously. I can't believe it. After the roller coaster of a life we've lived for the past year or so, we finally have a little "calm."

As I've mentioned before, Micah's place of employment, Maple Lane, is being shut down due to budget cuts and he has been on the hunt for a new job. This summer we were disappointed when he didn't get hired with the state patrol. This fall we were disappointed when he made it all the way to spot #2 out of 100 guys with the Aberdeen Police Department.....and they only hired 1 guy. Last month we were disappointed to find out that he was in fact, losing his job at Maple Lane imminently and that the "option" they gave him was to take a significant demotion and less appealing hours. Let's be honest: it's been a rough season in the Rose household. Add to Micah's job stress the heartache of losing a baby, the potential of losing our other sweet girl, my Dad's illness, and moving, and you pretty much have an equation that equals a *slight* feeling of being out of control. :)

Don't get me wrong--I know that I am clearly NOT the one in control. BUT: when SO many things seem to go awry, I often resort to feelings of futility and hopelessness. I seem to have a limit of what I can deal with, and when that bar gets raised I tend to throw in the towel and say "I can't handle it."

This week the bar was raised again. We had an baby in our care for 2 days who has undergone more trauma in her short life than I could bear. I cannot give details, but in order for a child to be removed from their home in our state, they have to either be severely abused or neglected. How someone could significantly abuse or neglect an infant is beyond me. In the 2 days we had her, my heart broke yet again for the children in THIS country who endure things they should never have to endure. My heart cry was, "God! Please! The injustice!!" Unfortunately, this baby girl had more needs than we felt like we were able to meet practically, and I had to call them and say that I didn't feel like we could keep her. That was another tough phone call. And another opportunity to surrender to Jesus and say, "Not my will but Yours be done." God knows our hearts. He knows our desire for more children. And he also knows that our hearts are still very much healing from losing Baby 2 weeks ago and that we need a little bit of time before committing to another baby long term. We feel like He has told us to take a little "breather" through the holidays and to wait until the 1st of the year before taking another placement. My heart is at peace with that. I am looking forward to a little bit of a slower pace for these next couple months! :)

THEN, to cap off all this craziness, last night at 5:30 Micah and I, the kids, and my parents were all sitting down at their house chatting about what to do for dinner. Micah's cell phone rang and he proceeded to have a conversation with someone on the other end. He refused to make eye contact with me and wouldn't answer any of the questions I was whispering at him while on the phone. He was being such a stinker! ;) Anyways, he got off the phone, stood up and announced to us all that he got the job as the Program Manager for ECEAP at the college!!! This was SUCH an answer to our prayers! It is a job close to our home. A job the pays the exact same thing as what he was making at Maple Lane, but with TWO MONTHS OFF every summer! Can you believe it?! I can hardly believe it!!

I knew this summer when Micah didn't get hired with the state patrol that God had something better. However, it was difficult to envision what "something better" looked like practically. I cannot tell you now how thankful I am that he did NOT get hired with the state patrol! I look at this job that he will be starting next week and think, "Thank you God that you know our needs so much better than we do!"

I am humbled. Thankful. Appreciative of God's faithfulness despite my frequent feelings of unbelief and fear. Our lack of faith does not change God's faithfulness, and for that, I am grateful.

An Encouraging Day

I am thankful. Thankful that God has been so gracious to meet me where I'm at. In my brokenness and mess, He has met me and whispered words of hope at just the right time. Today I was driving to pick up Caitlyn from school, and who did I see walking along side the road? Baby's parents. They recognized my car and flagged me down. I pulled over, and they came running up to my window and asked how I was doing. They had obviously heard that all 3 of their children had been moved to a new foster home together, and their words spoke straight to my heart. They stood there at my car window, cried with me, and thanked me repeatedly for caring for their son. Baby's Dad said that he and Baby's Mom wanted to take Micah and I out to dinner just to thank us for "all we did for them."

I was baffled. You see, biological parents are generally not thrilled about foster parents. To them, foster parents are doing the job that they see themselves fit to do. Foster parents are raising THEIR children. The children that they birthed. The children that they love, in the way that they know how to "love." Essentially, foster parents are their competition.

My heart aches for this couple. They are broken, hurting, and surrounded by influences that make it harder for them to succeed. You will never hear me make excuses for people who abuse or neglect their children. HOWEVER, if you look at generational patterns of poverty, lack of stability, and abuse, it is a little easier to understand HOW things like that happen. Again, I am not making excuses for them, but my heart is heavy for them tonight. You know why? I HAVE JESUS---someone who will listen to my heartache, grieve with me, and pull me through. I have friends and family who have been incredibly supportive and who I KNOW are lifting my family up in prayer. THIS COUPLE does not. They do not have a support system. They do not know Jesus. And they have A LOT to overcome in order to "make it."

The irony of this, to me, is that Jesus used this broken, hurting couple to minister to MY heart. To know that this one couple was blessed by our investment in their baby for the last 3 months makes it TOTALLY worth it. They seriously want to take US out to dinner?! Amazing! And that fact that Baby's Mom kept reaching into the car and trying to comfort me when we were ALL crying?! I couldn't believe it!

We have not chosen foster care for accolades, thank-yous, or recognition. (Trust me, it would be A LOT of work for a pat on the back!) I never expected anything from any of these parents. But to know that the love we gave Baby was recognized and appreciated by them somehow brings healing to my heart. Their words were the reassurance I needed that yes, we are doing the right thing. And yes, it is worth it.