More Than Conquerors

I am committing to blogging more. I realized today that many times I fail to blog because of my own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. I fear being misunderstood. Lacking eloquence. Being looked at as crazy. Not holy enough. Stumbling over the words I write and my postings just looking like I barfed on the page. But you know what? I don't care anymore. I want to document our journey and I am willing to expose the raw emotion, challenges, and joys that we face.

With that being said, here is our latest update. :)

Romans 8:37 says: "In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

More than conquerors, huh? That's funny. I feel like this week has been a week of defeat for me. A week of putting one foot in front of the other and questioning why God has had us on the path we are on. Micah received his layoff notice at work (effective 10/14), and in one phone call from our social worker we found out that baby "M" is going to be placed in another foster home along with his siblings, and the biological parents of the "Little Miss" are suddenly compliant and there is a strong possibility she will be leaving us as well.

When we initially became licensed to Foster-Adopt, we knew that this road would be challenging. We knew it would be costly. We knew there was a chance our hearts could be broken. However, I have declared all along that God will see through whatever it is He is asking of us.

I'm going to be really honest here: It is much easier to say that when life looks peachy. When your happy little family is sitting in Starbucks drinking hot chocolate, or playing at the beach, or snuggling on the couch watching Veggietales and eating popcorn--it is easy to say all the wonderful cliches us Christians are so good at: "God is so good to us!" Or "We are so blessed!" Even prayers of thanksgiving seem to flow when the happy moments are at their peak. But what about when life is hard? When trials are thrown our way? When I found out "baby M" was leaving this week and that we could easily lose our sweet 2-year-old, and that Micah was losing his job, I had two choices. I could throw up my hands and say, "No more! I can't take it, Lord!" Or I could say, "Not my will but Yours be done, God!" You know what? I know I'm supposed to say that I chose the second phrase, but I didn't! I ran upstairs, buried my face in my pillow and sobbed until I was hoarse. Over and over I cried, "why? Why? WHY?!!" I justified every reason to God of how we had "been so obedient" and "gave all of our hearts" to these children. I told Him that it wasn't fair and that I didn't understand why he would allow such heartache. Prayers of thanksgiving were not at the forefront of my mind. God's goodness was not at the forefront of my mind. The fact that "someday there will be other children who need us to pour into them" was not on my mind. Feelings of loss and grief were at the front of my mind.

Today is Saturday and that "conversation" God and I had was just on Thursday evening. I'll be honest again: I'M NOT THERE YET. I haven't "arrived" at the place of feeling peachy keen. I haven't gotten over the fact that another family gets to adopt the precious baby that has captured my heart in the 12 weeks I've cared for him. I do not have the answers to some of the questions I have asked God.

BUT--I DO know that I am more than a conqueror in Jesus Christ. And thanks to a wonderful video by Beth Moore, I was reminded that in order to be an overcomer, I have to OVERCOME something!

If I look back over my life, I could list numerous difficult circumstances I have faced that I swore I would never make it through. From the loss of a child, to significant illness in my family, to financial strain, sometimes the road has seemed too much to bear. Thankfully, God has used each and every one of those trials to strengthen my mustard seed faith. He healed my Mom of Leukemia. He led the doctors to find the hidden clot in my dad's brain that nearly cost him his life. He has given me an amazing relationship with Drew and his adoptive family. And He has provided for all of our needs financially. Over and over again God has proven himself faithful, despite my inadequacies and periods of unbelief.

These next few weeks are going to be rough. I know from experience that grief is a process and that God is asking me to take His hand and to trust Him to see our family through this transition. He will. I know He will. A pastor from our old church always used to say, "Faith first, feelings later." I'm standing on that. Knowing that as I declare God's goodness in the midst of this fire, He will heal my heart and I will come out the other side even more confident of the truths I declare.