Meeting the "new mom"

I finally mustered up enough strength today to call the woman who is going to be taking Baby and his siblings. I was given her phone number last week and told by our social worker that it would be best if I met her before just handing him over to her next weekend. I agreed, but needed a few days to process before I could actually make the call. Poor woman.....I had been doing fine all morning, but when she answered the phone I instantly burst into tears and could not even speak to identify myself. She must have had caller ID, because she said right away, "It took courage for you to call me and I understand why it took you a few days."

This foster mom just last week experienced losing a child. She had a baby in her care for 8 months that she thought would become a permanent member of their family, but that baby returned to a family member. Unfortunately, knowing that someone else just experienced the same heartache I am beginning, somehow brought no solace to me. I wasn't focused on the fact that she had lost someone she had grown to love. What I cared about was that fact that I don't get to adopt the baby that I have grown to love over the past 3 months. You may think that sounds selfish and completely unsympathetic. And it is.

I know that the brutal honesty in my blogging opens the door for people to form opinions, be critical of where I am at, and share their "advice." But I HAVE to chronicle the reality of where I'm at now so that I can look back later and see the full picture. I KNOW that redemption will come. I KNOW that my heart will heal and I will be able to pour myself whole-heartedly into the next foster child that walks through our door. I want to be able to say "look what the Lord has done!" And in order for that to happen, it is only fair to chronicle what He is GOING to pull us out of! :) He will not leave this process unfinished. I know that He will not allow me to flop around like a fish outta' water for long. He WILL restore our hearts and I WILL boast of His grace to our family. Is He trying to bring me to an even greater place of desperation and dependence on Him? Yup. Do unfortunate things just happen sometimes because of the world we live in? Yes. Do we ever see the full picture in the midst of challenging circumstances? Unlikely. Do our hearts hurt sometimes? Um, yes.

I love the words to this song by Casting Crowns called "Praise You in this Storm." I could listen to it over and over and over.

I was sure by now

God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth